I love this pic, it reminds me of Morris from the old Nine Lives cat food commercials. Remember? Finicky Morris, turned his nose up at anything else they'd set down before him.... sort of like Mikey in the Life cereal commercials. "He won't eat it, he hates everything... he likes it! Hey Mikey!" Don't ask me why, I've just revisited my childhood just by seeing a photo of a cat, lol. Actually this was one of the participants in a cat show held in New York (I believe that was the place)
and as an animal lover, I couldn't resist sharing this picture here.

Orange is the color of the day, I believe. Someone from one of the poetry groups I'm in has invited me to be a guest poet on an online publication. She wanted my poem "Orange" and just updated the page, and I'm there already. So I'm real excited about that. :D
Poetry And More

It's my day off, after a very difficult week. I'm just happy to be away from the place for a while. The hospital is having some kickoff event of some sort, a free barbeque lunch for all the employees... but I'm staying as far away as I possibly can. It would be ironic that once I show up (on my day off) they'd surely put me back to work, filling in for somebody who conveniently called in sick, lol.

Extra time to get busy and continue going through some unneeded junk around here. Sell it all or throw it away. A sort of complete ransacking of closets, "fall cleaning" sort of thing. I'm getting the heck out of here if it kills me.

How about those Chefs? Yeah, I said Chefs.. even though they won last time, I don't believe they will continue. I hate the "Chefs" anyway. Oh, if anybody from work heard me say that, they'd probably try to scalp me with an Indian tomahawk prop they bought at the last home game.

Fall is here, in the air, rainy and supposed to turn off cold by Sunday, but for now it's really pretty nice. And it hasn't rained today.
Poured down yesterday, though. I was glad I got a ride home from work, sort of saved a little wear and tear on the tired puppies (my feet).
But going in yesterday was so nice, the sky had cleared and there was just enough break in the storm to enjoy it all. It seemed to bring a little warmth to the morning and the early morning dark was still kind of hazy, with all the moisture in the air yet. Really nice.

Halloween will be here before you know it.. and there's a few birthday celebrations coming up... Including (cough, cough) Bill's, from work. That should be interesting, if I go to it. Apparently he chose a place close by, up in the neighborhood. Presumably so he can stay as late as he wants and not have to ask a designated driver to stick around if they don't want to, hahaha.. Hmmm... it might sound mean, but a lot of people in the group do get tired of babysitting when they go out with him... Nah, he's an ok guy, harmless and all but he's messing himself up big time, healthwise and won't listen to any of us...

I haven't written anything lately.. just preoccupied with a lot of things. One of the floors in the hospital is to be shut down completely by the 31rst... Not only that, we're now guessing that they'll end up shutting the whole place down ahead of schedule, and so that's got everybody scrambling to look for other options. Meanwhile, they're sending part of the crew home everyday, having them come in later, or not scheduling them at all on certain days. So the outlook after this doesn't look good. I've been putting in my application and resume to a lot of similar places.... go where the work is.

Motivation: why isn't there enough to go around? Even the cafeteria ppl are leaving while there's still time. One guy, a grill cook, put it this way, "I'd rather jump ship than be pushed off it." And he'd been there quite a while. So far I haven't heard from anyone I've sent applications to.
When I last saw Viola, my old boss who had been let go, transferred actually to Lee's Summit, the only thing she said to me was, "You're still here?"
I don't know how mamy times I've played out scenes in my mind on the way to work how I'm gonna quit. I have a feeling that it will be something of a "last straw" type of thing, where I just can't take anymore bull from middle management. One last imposition and I simply clock back out and lay my id badge on the desk and just disappear. So sweet! The idea of finally being rid of the place. They're testing the patience of the best they have, only they choose not to acknowlege it. What would they do exactly if one morning every one of us was a no call, no show.. or a "sick out" scenario? I have a good idea they would resort to call in the temps and hardly anything would get done.. Would they even realize they had a good thing and blew it? Nah, not a chance.

"Groan..." It's only Tuesday, that means two more long days to go. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were trying to kill us all by working us to death.. The latest development is that the census is way down. It was 100 filled beds this morning and at least 15-20 dismissals estimated late afternoon/evening. Most of them leave just as the day shift people are setting up to go home. And today we got hit with them hard.. doubles and back to back stat cleans.. a lot of the crew is more than fed up by now..
But this morning really takes the cake. During a meeting it was explained that since census is down, that means the supervisor is now looking for people to HR, that means basically cut hours.. with a cruel twist though.. she'd ratheer have folks come in later in the morning than sent home early. That means we're still going to get stuck with all the dismissals at once.. It's like we're being given even more to do now but with that much less time to do it.
Oh yeah, and if we don't volunteer for the schedule changes, it will be a mandotory imposition on her part. So we're screwed..
I'm dead tired at 8:00 and I'm calling it a night..

Mt. St. Helens
Stuff in the news... I wouldn't wanna be there right about now, that's for sure.
A lot of stuff happening these days... disasters. Hurricanes, one after another.. earthquakes as far inland as Fresno, tornados on the east coast... China asking the U.S. for help for their AIDS crisis..
A friend at work believes these are the end days.. Because of all the disasters happening nearly all at once. I realize that this is just one person's opinion, but she happens to be, well, more churchgoing and religious than I am. I suppose if you delved further into it, it would really be scary. Not that this isn't scary enough. The conversation today just kind of stuck with me for some reason.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Orange

Something unsettling here,
a vague recollection watching
passengers board the last
orange route of the day;
once I reach my destination,
this bus heads to the garage
to sleep off the evening's
conversations and prepare
for a brand new onslaught.

But for now, I'm listening
to a tall man with a high voice
and a long blond ponytail who's
showing some other riders what
they gave her at Goodwill.
"Try it on," they say.. "see if
it fits." A woman's jacket, warm
for winter. These days sometimes
you just can't tell. She bears a
strange resemblence to Jar-Jar Binks.

And driver Sam rumbles on, rambles on,
pushes the big machine forward, through
ins and outs, side streets toward
Englewood, carrying the load of separate
conversation with each... that Sam...
sure loves to talk.

Slows to a stop for the dysfunctional
woman with the everpresent bulky cargo
on wheels, everyday with that Rubbermaid
storage tub held in place by two bungee
fasteners, parked inside now, at the
entrance. Folks can't exit, they're
stumbling trying to pass, Darlene gives
them each the evil eye.

Sam is whistling a tune of relief
once Darlene reaches her stop,
watches as she pulls the load behind
her on down the street.
"I swear she must be carrying around
her dead husband in that thing, its
like her shadow..."

Chuckles all around, its the running
joke. Then immediately on to the next
topic.. the Chiefs, religion, politics,
anything and everything, Sam's got
something to say and says it even
when no one's there to listen..
I like to think he's just practicing
for the next day.

HCA Strikes Again

A lot of this is why I'm wanting to quit this place altogether. Health Midwest (the previous managing company) were angels compared to this. I want out! If anybody knows of a good housekeeping position on the east coast, please let me know.. I'm a good worker, very efficient, I never miss a day, never ask for extra days off.. and I don't mind overtime..

===============================================

What becomes of old hospitals?

Commission ponders options
By David Tanner
The Examiner

"The highest and best service I see is one or both of these facilities can be converted, with help of TIF, into a residential senior care facility."

Dan Jones
CEO of HCA's Independence hospitals, on the future of the two existing hospitals, which will close when HCA builds its new Independence Regional Medical Center The tax increment financing plan for HCA to build a new hospital in Independence includes a $15 million fund to rehabilitate the city's two existing hospitals.

But if HCA and the city cannot find tenants for Independence Regional Health Center or Medical Center of Independence, the $15 million could be used to demolish the buildings.

City staff and HCA representatives on Wednesday presented the hospital TIF plan to the Independence TIF Commission.

If the numbers seem overwhelming � a $250 million hospital campus near 39th Street and Selsa Road and $44.3 in tax increment financing � they probably are.

Dan Jones, chief executive officer of the existing Independence hospitals and designated CEO for the new facility, said the new hospital plan is the largest single investment in HCA corporation history.
"It is the largest (private) project in the state of Missouri's history," he added.
"This will be nothing short of the most impressive health care facility developed in the metro area in the foreseeable past, and frankly the foreseeable future," Jones said.
Improved health care service has never been a contention, either by citizens or members of the City Council, but the project has faced opposition because of HCA's plans to move hospital services out of two hospitals and into a new building farther away from a dense and aging population in the city's north and west.
Jones and King spoke to the possible solutions.
"The highest and best service I see is one or both of these facilities can be converted, with help of TIF, into a residential senior care facility," Jones said.

King, who has facilitated several TIFs in Independence, said the $15 million rehabilitation fund in the TIF would be an incentive for private developers to convert IRHC or MCI into other uses.
There's also a reality to think about, King said.
"To put $15 million on the bottom line for HCA without TIF means lower profit and the project doesn't get done," he said.
Jones said $15 million is the number HCA and private contractors came up with as a worst-case scenario for demolishing both existing hospital buildings.
"Our estimated cost for turning those buildings back into green space would be $15 million," Jones said.

Local economic development experts with the city and the Independence Council for Economic Development say they don't want the worst-case scenario.
ICED President Tom Riederer said after the meeting his group would work to see the buildings get converted rather than demolished.
With the $15 million fund in the TIF for the existing hospitals, and more than $40 million in streets and off-site improvements around the proposed 39th Street campus, TIF commissioners are generally pleased with what they see in the plan.

"We're looking at 90 percent of this TIF going for off-site improvements," commission Chairman Pat Campbell said. "Most TIFs do more on-site. This one is going off-site, which is a good thing."
Jones said health care can be an economic catalyst in any municipality.
The city has used TIFs in the past to build up the 39th Street retail area from green space. In those green fields are limestone and shale that drive building costs up.
About $4 million of the HCA TIF is for construction costs, including removal of limestone and piering up new buildings on top of a layer of shale.

HCA has eyed the 86-acre site as a regional approach to health care, serving not only Independence, but also Blue Springs and cities to the south and east of Independence.
Citizens and several elected representatives are expected to speak at the formal TIF Commission public hearing, 6:30 p.m. next Thursday in the council chambers at City Hall, 111 E. Maple Ave.

HCA and the city have agreed on several points, either in the existing TIF plan or in an undrafted redevelopment plan.
HCA has agreed to put $100,000 into transportation funding, and $177,000 into William Yates Elementary School to handle future increases that come with area developments.

The new hospital would be in the Blue Springs School District, as are the other 39th Street TIF projects.
King said the new hospital property was assessed in 2003 at $44,100, and generated only $800 in taxes.
With the new hospital and the TIF plan, King said, the property would be assessed at $56.5 million and generate $5 million in taxes.
The anticipated 18-year TIF would capture half of the new taxes to pay for unique development costs, such as the limestone removal, the Little Blue Parkway, Jackson Drive and several new streets, and for dealing with the existing hospital buildings.

Jones said if HCA were to redevelop the IRHC and MCI sites into new hospitals or consolidated into one new hospital, construction costs would increase 50 to 70 percent.
He also justified moving to the 39th Street location to suit the corporation's mission.
"This location provides for equal access for all residents in our service area, both from geographical standpoint and population standpoint," Jones said.

King summarized why HCA requires tax increment financing to get the job done.
"The reason we're here with a TIF plan is not primarily to assist HCA with this hospital, it's to address concerns of citizens," King said.
But with two existing hospitals closing and possibly being demolished in the future, King's point did not sit well for some of the citizens.

"I don't like it at all," Independence senior Catherine Curtis said. She helped state Sen. Victor Callahan draft a petition over the summer to oppose HCA's plan.
City officials expect a large crowd at next week's public hearing.

A late day today, started at 8, and I didn't get out till 5.. every day its a different start time, I don't mind the different areas, just wish I could start at the same time each day.. the earlier the better. I would clock in at 5:30 every day at Lee's Summit and that worked out fine... Oh, "whah!"

... a good friend has been feeling under the weather lately. Hope tomorrow's a better day.
Take care of yourself.. I'm just concerned, that's all..

Almost 9 p.m. and I'm a little tired. But I don't want to miss the powerball drawing, cause I (clears throat) bought the winning ticket. Again, lol. Who could resist a chance at $128 million..

Well, the numbers will still be there in the morning.. I'm going to bed.. when it hits, it hits. When it rains, it pours... manxes and labradoodles.

All edited and ready to post

Housekeepers Of The Round Table

We are so often in a place where
logic and emotion unconsciously collide,
we scan and soar the airwaves, appearing
like eagles among vultures.

We could say everything, be anything, be
anyone - animal, mineral, vegetable,
gods or the lowest form on the food chain.

We could be Housekeepers of the Round Table,
communing complaint and corporate compliance
against a pervasive evil known only as
"the bottom line."

We could fancy ourselves joyful ants
toiling away at a showcase farm, under the
watchful eye of some hidden electronic spy,
"They're not gone yet, let's keep turning
up the heat."

Even our feet are burning, barking, we can
boast this, they are surely the tired puppies today and as we laugh and "Yoo-hoo"
at the Round Table, somewhere, in the midst
of the confusion, talk of the disappeared,
and the "what will they think of next?"

It must make some iota sense to someone,
somewhere,the only question is,
who and what is that someone?

Imagine an architect, pulling strings,
from some vague location, a wizard
feverishly pulling levers, pushing buttons
behind curtain number one, sending out
text messages via mandatory pagers...

"Pay no attention to the general manager
behind the curtain."


===============================================
(Something of an unfinished rough draft, that's been on my mind for the past couple of days...
If something doesn't change for the better soon, I feel as though I might explode with frustration, rot and decay right here where I stand... There's got to be a better way to earn a living.. Hey at least I'm willing to work, haha!)

A Wish

There I would promise you
even the smallest whisper of me,
A sigh still so heavy in breath
speechless, only stammering
in thought that has no voice.

Be there for me tonight in body
when the flavor of your name
rolling like mist over my tongue
is not enough.

Some Haikus

This early chill has
awakened in me a new
appreciation.

In the morning I
focus my gaze to the stars,
count them as blessings.

Breathing in cool air
I fill my lungs with the dawn,
exhale a filled page.


~ This is my first attempt at Haiku.. Don't judge too harshly, lol. ~

Part Of The Problem

I was there, didn't you see?
The night the purse snatcher
took Kimber away, no lesson from
that save that you shouldn't fight
for what is rightfully yours...
You shouldn't fight?

There the day the punks gunned
down some high school kid
in the parking lot at Fashion
Faire Mall for his Oakland
Starter jacket. Were you there?
Did you see how he fell?
Did you see
how he fell?

The Harlem kid still in grade school
armed with only a 35 millimeter camera
lost to us forever now for his only ticket out... were you there to watch?
He had a name and dreams as everyone does.

Jacob... Amber... Kevin..
Even Precious Doe has a name..
and still you come to me with
rhetoric and passionate information
that's only the problem and never
the answer.

-- I wasn't going to post this yet at all.. I still consider this a rough draft, so it still might be going through some changes..
Just kind of in a rambling mood tonight.. I looked up some info on structures of different poetic forms earlier; cinquain, tanka, and haiku. I've been wanting to try my hand at some of these for a while now, I figured now might be a good time for that. Later this evening I looked up some Neruda poems.. I remember my poetry instructor back in Fresno, Dewayne Rail also had nothing but good to say about Neruda, which seemed to be his favorite. Now I see he's the favorite of many..
This might be delving into some off the wall perspectives here but I've always had a belief that you meet people in your life for a specific reason. That a situation is set up, possibly, it's up to you to figure out why that is, and make the most of it. Probably just me tonight but I feel like I've been given a wealth of oportunity, and that all I need to do is just take that first step and I will be going in the right direction. Somehow it feels like it all ties in to some of the Groups online, and I just feel very appreciative of a lot of the people who make their presence known out there.. Just the info and inspiration is more than enough. It's a comfort.

Three Quarters From Antioch

The moon reflects even now,early
while brightness falls at just the
right point, casting shadows behind
a would-be camera, perfecting the
scene; an hour filled with imaginings.

Right now above a mountain range
made of strips of melted down
cotton candy, bleached by the sun
and the promise of snow, darkened
at the edges with an outline nib
of an ancient quill pen,

watching, dreaming of others
who may also notice, I stand a
temporary sentinel from the
pavement, a scribbled document
hoping to do you justice.

Updates all around...
More state inspectors in the hospital for the past week.. the whole time they've been focusing on one particular floor... the same one where some of the nurses have been not only demeaning to some of the patients, but also ignoring them... looks like somebody might have reported them.. which is a good thing, I think. No excuse for behavior like that.. I just wish it didn't need to take something like this to make them get their act together.. Also if everybody just went and did their job the way they're supposed to, there wouldn't be any reason to panic. This paranoid whispering, "Oh, don't go in there.. State's here!" is ridiculous.. I bet they'd rather see people doing their job, than have the entire place scared to make a move. Poppycock! We work here, Stupid... All these departments just scared to death... it would be comical if it weren't so pervasive. Stupidity seems to be running rampant today anyway. Adonna called me out of my area to go mop a dialysis room, which wouldn't have been so bad, except that the room in question had a Contact Precaution sign on the door.. so I ask her about it, and she tells me, "Oh this room stays a Contact..." So I continue, "Well don't I need the yellow gown and the whole bit?" Her reply: "Nah, I don't think so." (She doesn't think so.) Well, it turned out to be the wrong room, but that's not the point. I came close to going to the Infection Control nurse to see what she might have to say about that.. But no damage done, at any rate.. but what if she ever tells a new employee something like that, and they go in the room without precautions, and they catch something??
I think I will tell her about this.
Ok, I've said my piece on airhead bosses, lol.

Next:
My son has a new job at Ryan's restaraunt starting tomorrow. He'll be working evenings/nights. Meanwhile, my daughter had a job at a convenience store until the guy that she was going to replace decided to stay after all, so now she's back to square one. Bummer.

There's a Powerball drawing tonight... the jackpot is $95 million. And of course I have the winning ticket, muahahaha!

Bands... bands... Nick Pick is quitting Gametime.. a sad day. His last show with them will be October 6th. I'm gonna have to at least make it to that one... but, :(
I guess things change, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.. Laura's not upset about it at all.. so I guess it's a good thing.
It was so much different with Fed Up..
This band (Gametime) is all cool with it, there are no hard feelings... he gave his reasons, and they understood.. it has to do with a more Christian perspective and he felt that he wasn't currently going in that direction, so he's taken steps to get on the right path for himself, musically... Very commendable. I'm really impressed. And so is Laura.

Epsilonakaeric is a hopeless romantic in love, which explains why he hasn't been posting any of his fav e.e. cummings poems in Bailey's.
You go, Epsilon!

And how about those Chiefs, huh? Hahahahahaha!
Need I say more? Go Chiefs! :P

I suppose this taps out my updates for the time being. Take care, everybody.

Speak, See, Hear

Be careful
how you treat your charges..
We are still the eyes and ears,
the fly on the walls
of this building.
We see your expressions,
hear you laughing..
the disdain in your voice,
meant for an elderly woman
or man, stroke victims,
alzhiemer's patients...
the morbidly obese.
Continue with jokes, direct
insults.. go on about your
business as if we are not there...
You are certain we are not.
We are the eyes, the ears and the
backbone of every patient floor...
So be careful,
your uppance will come.

Woah... Did anybody happen to catch the new Def Poetry last night? This is why its my favorite show. Beau Sia made a long-awaited appearance... and did not disappoint. I loved the poem, "I'm So Deep" just hilarious... and some others making an appearance, a trio performing a type of song/poem. Amazing, it reminded me of when I used to go to local readings at the Java Cafe in Fresno, in the Tower District. They had a group come in from Sacramento, doing a sort of poetry/performance/word assault... that's the only way I can describe it but it was just so awesome. That's really what got me into actively searching for venues for such a thing. Ever since then, I've loved listening to Spoken Word, readings, slams, whatever. Its inspiration for me.
Anyway, if anyone missed this episode, they replay it on Wednesday nights, on HBO, 10 p.m. central time. Don't miss out!

Awake

Like my feelings for you
the brightest stars
are still there in the
morning sky when I wake,
playing hide and seek
behind the peaceful
counted sheep of clouds.

Watch how they drift
and travel, like my love
for you they follow change
set by the breeze, follow
an esoteric path led by
my heart.

Could you feel it,
my heart?

Monster storm pulled through last night here for some reason. Lightning, thunder, quarter-sized hail. It even woke me up.. and I usually sleep through just about anything.
Laura stayed the night.. and it woke her up too, but she was more afraid of what it would do to her car. It sounded like somebody was slowly dumping rocks on the roof. (Maybe it had something to do with my dream about the rocks and boulders, lol) Power must have gone out too, during the night. When I woke up this morning, my alarm clock was stuck on the same time, flashing the digital display from when it came back on. Well luckily no hail dings on the car, and no broken windows, no snapped tree limbs.. just a freak storm, all the way up here..

Saunas To Snow Caps

Felt the coolest breeze yet
(it's happening fast)
tonight in contrast to the
bright heat of the day,
so stark it was suffocating
(and with it came)
the wilting of anything
warm-blooded that may have
been caught out in the open
for a spell.

I always did take the
cool damp and dropping
temperatures more in stride,
so much better than that
unrelenting directness of
August.

(It saps the strength, you know)
if left to its own devices
long enough, pulls your energy
toward its own fiery mass,
away as if from the very bones,
as if that's where your energy
is stored.

~ The city of Blue Springs is losing out on lots and lot of money. Read on. ~

Bands won't play tonight

Misunderstanding pulls the plug on concert stage
By Stephanie Howard
The Examiner
A battle of the bands has turned into a battle between a Blue Springs business and the Chamber of Commerce over the Blue Springs Fall Festival.
Low-Key Productions sponsored a battle of the bands last year with the hopes that the winners would perform on their stage during the festival this year. But the event was canceled Thursday following a misunderstanding about whether the event was sanctioned as part of the Fall Festival.
The chamber decided in February not to have the stage this year.
But Jane Schmitz, with Low-Key, said she didn't know of the chamber's plans until June when she spoke to a board member.
"We've been working with the Fall Fun Festival for five years," Schmitz said. "Every year it's grown. Depending on how it's grown they've moved us around."
Upon learning the chamber wasn't going to sponsor the stage, Schmitz and her husband, John, met with chamber members to discuss alternate locations and decided on the Freshman Center.
Chamber president Debbie Whisler told Schmitz the chamber would advertise the event in the festival brochure. Low Key also is listed as a festival sponsor in the brochure.
"We were very, very specific with the Schmitzes on numerous occasions that it wouldn't be part of the festival," Whisler said.
About three or four weeks ago, Schmitz sent Whisler an e-mail asking for help with security. Schmitz's request was denied at that point because the event was not part of the festival.
So Schmitz asked for a refund on their $300 sponsorship in order to offset the increased costs in insurance and security. She found an electrician to volunteer time for the lighting.
Wednesday night the school district called to confirm details of the event. The district's policy restricts renting or lending district facilities to city and chamber events. District representatives asked Schmitz to get a confirmation the concert was part of the festival.
Unable to get that confirmation, the district could not lease the facilities for the concert. Game Plan, a local group with a national recording contract, was scheduled to play.
"They were donating their time to play for their hometown tonight," Schmitz said. "We were expecting close to 3,000 kids."
To reach Stephanie Howard, send e-mail to stephanie.howard @examiner.net or call her at (816) 229-9161, Ext. 25.

~ Did I miss something? Has anyone heard of this new band, Game Plan? If anyone has the chance to hear them play, let me know how they sound. Chances are, they could give Nick Pickerell's band a run for their money! ~

Well ya know...
My life is repeating itself with none of the good and more of the same.
Tide and time wait for no one, so it is my duty to myself to make a clean break once and for all. I will flit the moon, go by nightfall, leave the negative in search of whatever positive I might find.
Never mind the Freudian slips, I've already deleted and typed over them, there may be more, so be warned. What a mess this is and what a mess I am for allowing it. Cosmic chain notwithstanding in its field of expertise. Where do I go from here? I go east.

Well Yes! It's my Friday, even though it's everyone else's Thursday, my weekend starts this evening. Plus it's payday to boot! Not that I'll get to keep very much of it. Lol.
But after yesterday, and its stack of dismissals to log in and out (hehe) I'll surely be ready for it when 3:30 rolls around today.

Hmm... I wonder who my anonymous commenter is?
Something about dream interpretation. Yes, it could have meant anything.

My daughter starts another new job tommorow as a convenience store clerk. She had been watressing at an IHOP, but she wasn't too happy with they way the crew was treating her, so on to something else.
My son has an odd job now... delivery assistant for a small tv repair shop. Only trouble with that is, there are no set guaranteed hours.. it's more like a PRN position where they call you when they need you... better than nothing I guess.

I'm spending my day off tomorrow sending out my resume, networking and searching for a better job in a better location. I've just had it with the place... and it happens to be Housekeeper Appreciation week at all the local hospitals.... only not much appreciation here to speak of. Oh they're doing the standard gestures, but forgetting to distribute the cute little tokens, haha. For example, there were two boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts getting stale in the office a full day before they decided they ought to bring them out for us.. the final break of the day.. I can just hear Adonna's excuse now... "Oh my, darned if that didn't just slip my mind, and here I've been looking at them all day. Imagine that!"
That and all the trainee nurses HCA has brought in from foreign countries to replace the ones who thought they were going to the new hospital. What a low blow that has to be.. It's time to move on, never again to associate myself with anything HCA.

Long day, messed up hours, and working in ICU too. For the census being down for that area yesterday, I sure worked my butt off today.
I was Linda Bake today. I'm a different "person" on any given day... I get people asking me, "Where's Martha today?" ... "Where's Linda?" "Is Sharon sick today?" I sometimes wonder, since I don't have a regular area.. if they even think of asking about me when I'm gone.. Oh poot.. as if I care! Lol. It's just another day. Put in my eight hours and go home. It's not like its my whole damn life, pffft.
So that's how it is. Tired and cranky. And stressed.. funny how some people can just worm their way back into your life without even asking permission for it, or anything else.
I never asked for this. I'm getting out of town as soon as I can.

Breeze

The wind moves across
my mind in spontaneous rotation,
combustible through rythm, heat
and swirling, the colliding
at pedestals built of
conviction.

I pray, I meditate in the moment
how each the proven unyielding
stand strong against an onslaught
sturm and drang.

How true that uncertainty
lives there, yes, ever the
coexisting element sometimes
winning, sometimes not.

I Spoke Softly

I lose myself tonight in
the throes of conflicting
metaphor.

I spoke softly to a perfect
gentleman who lives for small
lights after nightfall, told him

Inspiration curls my toes,
that from rocks I find gold
enough to make lemonade,

and that in the time
it takes for planets to approach
each other almost close enough
to touch, the universe will hold
the same sky, that same velcro
tapestry into which God tossed
his silver.

The same can be seen
and held lofty
by anyone.

I had a very strange dream last night. In it I was younger, and was there at my grandma's house and helping my dad with some yardwork in the front. Suddenly he flew into a rage and started pitching rocks at me.. everytime I told him to quit he'd throw another one, and they'd get progressively bigger and pitched with more speed the more I told him to stop... I'd tell him, "I'm not going to help if you keep throwing those rocks at me." Pretty soon they were the size of small boulders, whizzing past me all the way down to the dead end at the bottom of the hill. I turned to scream at him in frustration, and when I did that.. I woke myself up at 3 a.m. Wonder what this is supposed to mean? Very bizzare.

I'm thinking of my grandma, I'm thinking of my mom. Virginia Alberta Burson, gone by Thanksgiving '98. Saint Ginney, Grandma Rock, took guff off of no one... always there, always there when times were too tough to continue. Grandma Astrology, Reincarnation, Grandma whose beliefs always ended up in my mindset, except for one.. except for the old-fashionedness and danger of prejudice. I could always overlook because that was never all of her circle.. and it was a big circle. I swear, sometimes I can see her influence in my thoughts, and probably will till I go myself to some white light, someplace with no fear or pain, I swear it on my mother's grave.
My mother's grave lays near where she once stood in mourning for Virginia, for Harold, for the non-survivor twin of a younger brother, and then years later, for three-day-old Christopher. My mother's grave marker spells out the name: Linda Lee Hall, and there floods a lifetime of memory, brief snatches of birthday parties with special touches, handmade ornaments at Christmas time. The good, the bad, the ugly, the breaks where she faltered and hospitalized, weak, dizzy in mental fluff, I thought her weak for that, I am guilty of that. Guilty. Of judging too harshly, of not understanding, how the loss of a child could break a person. I was a child myself, how could I base a judgement, not knowing the facts? But base I did, base I am now for doing so. Deemed her weak and needy. Then. But we go on, we always go on. Through the years and the watching, through the family reunions, where the funniest stories of how Centralia's Aunt Margaret at 12 climbed the water tower, just because it was there, "the longest red hair, that's how you could tell it was Margaret." Through Thanksgivings and Christmases, and New Years...
All the way to the year 2000. So many trips to the hospital, among all the radiation and chemo, and such long all day sessions they were, complete with the waiting, the waiting.
And there (I wasn't ready) to hear the chaplain tell us he was there to make her ready with the Lord. I was always the first one to say she would surely fight such finality, knowing by then what it took to go through the loss of hair, the nausea, the rheumatoid arthritis, the bouts with broken bones, the falls, loss of appetite, the wasting away into unconsciousness was not weakness, but strength.
They are both deeply missed.

Halloween on Christmas... are the lines from the song playing on the radio..
I couldn't sleep. Woke up at 1:30, leg cramp from Hell woke me up, and when I tried to go back to sleep, Ozzy interrupted with his meowing at the bedroom door. So here I am with still the first cup of coffee of the morning, many more to follow I'm sure.. or maybe I'll try it again, forty more winks before the day.

~Back home this afternoon~
I keep thinking about how my cell phone rang three different times later on in the morning... (this is a test) a call from the defective home phone.. my son, testing the phone to see if he could hear it ring on the line. Woke me up again to the tune of Country Grammar. Is life surreal or what? I've been dragging all day as a result and now I think I'll go take a nap, lol.

Birds On Break

I watched them connect
light rails through a
train track sky
complete with its own
separate horizon
running diagonal
snow caps on that arial
mountain range.

Aerie, the eagle's nest
forgotten this late in
the season, is still
my comfort for today.


-- The morning was incredible, going in to work today. Last of the stars were still there, just starting to fade. By the time I was halfway there, I noticed a group of blackbirds perched and singing on some power lines directly over my path. (I remember the bird scene in the Mel Brooks movie, High Anxiety... so I quickly stepped out of bombing range, lol) But just then I happened to look up at the sky and noticed again how the clouds look so much like train tracks... Just a beautiful morning.

Go Through

If I were to travel the distance of highways,
this half-life to me would save what is left
of hope, the remainder of a dream.

If I would search for you, find you again
after time, after loss, after all is said and done
continuing with friendship, what of that...

The feelings are still there, my friend
the ache that lacks you, overwhelming need
of you, the jaded hands in my sleep are yours.

Yours is the breath that takes my breath
the silence that leaves me wanting, the laughter
that I live for, the you that makes me

linger in awe for hours upon those images,
your thoughts, always the mind scope of
experience, there from the beginning.

And so I go through, heeding and heedless
of emotion strong enough to make me weak,
comforting enough to see the best and worst
in you.

Labor Day Weekend

Well, with the Labor Day weekend already begun, it's time to remind ourselves to be careful out there before going out this weekend (or any other weekend).
We've already lost too many friends and family members on the road over the past couple of years, because they were involved in drunk driving accidents.
So get it together people, how many of your friends have to die before you take away their car keys, call them a cab, or offer to let them sleep it off?
Not to let those drinking off the hook. If you're drinking, DON'T GET BEHIND THE WHEEL. You made the choice to drink, now make the right decision by admitting you're not in control. Oh, and I've heard the same excuse so many times... "I'll get in trouble if I'm not home by a certain time"... "My parents will kill me if I'm late..." "I'm not that drunk, I'll be ok..." Excuse the harshness here, but not many parents can kill their kids when they're dead already.
Look if you're old enough to drink, you're old enough to face the music by trusting your gut instincts... if you feel uncomfortable about something, if you have that unnameable fear in the back of your mind, don't do it. It's that simple. Better to still be alive to face a parent's wrath the next morning than never being able to see them at all.
So ultimately it's your decision... but make it an adult decision.



-- I'm not sure how many in the targeted age actually read this blog, but I'm not leaving any available stone unturned --

Mrs. Johnson's House

The house across the street
had cactus/cacti on the porch,
a tomato garden in the back,
stray kittens to give away, and
radio church every Sunday morning.

Year after year
Mrs. Johnson always told me
that she would sew a nice
dress for school if only
I would stop biting my nails.

And in the summers with
her grandchildren visiting
from New Mexico, spending days
anticipating sparklers, black
cats and sidewalk noisemakers,

evenings we caught lightning bugs
saved in glass jars with air-holed lids,
Venetia gathering pulled up grass for
them to hide in, Reynaldo tearing almost
like a flash out of the house half dressed

and untoweled into another humid backyard
night immediately after an adult imposed
bath, mom-shouts trailing after him like
water drops from the heels,
"Don't you go outside yet..."

Ask him what for, he'll grin wide
everytime... "I don't know, I just did."

Justice

Morning breaks
and you are still there
reflecting all those
little darts within
the evidence left behind;
shattered glass along the
street, nothing else remains.

If you had a sound, it would
be of bells, just as clear
and free to reflect, the
far away ringing of laughter
as the nameles, faceless
thief is cuffed and brought
to justice.

I turn the corner, several
corners and meet with a
blood red sky, and at that
moment there is visual
space enough for both the
white-hot and silver-cool
extremes on the pattern, always
there I'm sure, but even more
valid when you aren't hiding.

Ok, everybody can just forget about buying themselves a Powerball ticket. The jackpot is up to $39 million by now but you'll all just be wasting your time and money if you bought one.... Because I've already bought the winning ticket. No, it's useless even to make the trek up the the corner Conoco or Quicktrip, so don't even bother.. I already have the winning ticket. Now don't go around saying if you win you'll give me a healthy sum, divvy it up among the priveleged few, make charitable donations in the name of friends... I have the winning ticket. Yeah... that's the ticket!
Wouldn't it be nice? Oh sweet, so sweet.. I tell you this... there would sure be a lot of happy cats around, lol. No more homeless animals.. I'd start by opening me up a no-kill animal shelter, right here in Sugar Creek... yeah, that's the ticket. There would be a domino effect of such openings, the likes of which Bob Barker could only dream, haha! And I would travel, would move to the city of my choice, do the same thing there... Dream on, my friend...
What would you do with that big a jackpot?

Rotation

Step out onto the landing
the heat so thick
you can almost scoop
the air with the cup
of a hand, a sure sign
a break is needed.

Heard it from inside,
the tell-tale calling
card of resin solid
tree droppings having
crash-landed, bounced
once or twice on the
roof, another signal,
an approach of damaging
winds.

Step out onto the landing
and a stereo symphony of
cidadas rising in creshendo
assault the ears, the same
gust that scurries the reign
of leaves travelling in rotation
pulls the tune closer, pulls in
concentrated hypnotic, so easy
to get lost in.

His Happiness

Because of this,
because of all this
I know he will haunt
me the rest of my days.

Dans la douler mon
coeur se casse
continuellement san
mon irlandais.

My one bright spot
to see from the day,
comfort for the night.
My heart set on a mind
that follows the whims
of the breeze and oceans,
but remains there
in shadow deep in doubt,
I would gladly take
all his highs and lows...

His walls now a fortress,
insurmountable.
I cannot go forward
and I cannot turn away,
his happiness is worth
more to me than me.

Mon seul souffle
chucote votre nom dans
longing, avant que
lest larmes arrivent.

A very understated "yay..." to impart to any and all interested. You may know Def Poetry airs on HBO at 11 pm eastern time. I just got some info from Beau Sia, who's one of my favs on the show. His next appearance is coming up on Sept. 12. Let's watch, shall we? "Yay..."

I just got some pics back yesterday that I took a couple of months ago. Some of them turned out pretty good, I think. I have one that's a lot of contrast with the sun behind some clouds. Just awesome. Plus I have some of Laura's graduation, some recent pics of me I'd like to put up on my profile... since I deleted the one that was up there. The pic was over two years old, ancient for the internet wouldn't you say? If I can ever get together with the friend who does the neat little computer stuff, posting pics for us, me and my son Jason... they'll be up there very soon, I hope.. with a webtv and no scanner its pretty impossible. Well, stay tuned at any rate... I just love the cloud photo, I can't wait to share it. This may be just enough to get me back into photography again.

I have just been fnorded, whatever that means... but whatever it is, it's awesome. I have the vague sense that members of Monty Python are somehow descendants of the fnords. (Run a google search on discordians and you may or may not see what I mean.) Anyway, imagination rocks my toes!
Oh, and here's a quiz result I took from one of the links....


You are a Rainbow FNORD! colorful and chased by
many


Which FNORD are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Storm In August

Humid already
and every few feet
the robin is jumping
on the fence post
just to keep up.

Closer with every
second, its traveling
fast, and through.
The second wave hot
on the trail of
cloud to ground force
like hell-hounds,
cats and dogs.

I was told I'd have
that 3:30 walk today
no matter how fast
the work goes, out
in the wind that makes
rain fall in diagonal
code, like neon emeralds
falling through the screen,
programmed right down to
the clean scent of air
afterward.

Just some rambling, wandering thoughts for today...
There I was, sitting there just minding my own business when all of a sudden this brick wall came out of nowhere and smacked right into me. Lol, actually the "brick wall" was a song on the radio, and the kind of song that puts you in a trance, very sad, a deep dark, internal frame of mind. The very thing that can make you cry no matter how hard you will yourself not to. Because it just gets in there so deep, and you not only remember how you felt, its also how you feel at the present time. Aahhh! I need a diversion. Bad. Hahaha.
Not to segue into this kind of diversion... but late last night me and my daughter were surfing the net and we hear this knock on the door. Who could it be at this time of night? It was my ex and one of his friends (one of his more responsible friends, which was a relief, lol) came over to hang out for a while. It was cool... but as time wore on, I got the feeling he wanted to stay the whole night. Luckily there were already too many overnighters so there wasn't all that much room. I feel in a constant state of guard so as not to fall back into the old traps now... I can't let myself feel sorry for anyone, I've fought for that decision to stand and it would be the worst thing for me to back down now... I'm proud of myself, haha. I handled a very delicate situation and passed with flying colors. I didn't really have to say "No, you can't stay the night" but I sure didn't offer either... Come to think of it, it was just pure luck I guess, lol. Whew!
I upgraded my roommates.com account to premium. I want to make that move before winter sets in. So now would be a good time to start contacting these people on the site. Should be sending out my resume again too. Gonna be a busy week ahead, but all good. Taking half-steps at a time toward some progress. :)

Today is National Homeless Animals Day. Adopt a Shelter pet. Or if you already have pets, make sure they are spayed or neutered, to help prevent pet overpopulation.
Feel free to also check out My Web Page for more information.

Well I Was

I was viewing all landscapes from these
windows and all I could see was
a world headquarters landmark,
that big corkscrew in the sky...

I was wondering why all family
had left, so soon, so soon.
And those of us who are indeed
standing on the left are now
pariahs, snubbed and burdened
with no clue, but with an
honest heart.

And I was stalled in the underbrush
again like so many years ago, in Fresno
lacking direction, but armed with good
intentions... what will be in all
acute actual desire and will to make
it at all costs...

All that's needed now is courage
and decisive integrity, that's surely
possessed yet has time to sprout,
and blossom, and grow out of season
surely as bulbs planted in the fall.

Well, Mr. Murphy.. you tell me when was the law enacted? The one that states "just when you think nothing can go wrong, something does."
Or how about the one that includes, "Even when there's a whole series of 'wrong' there's always one more to add to the list."
Life is funny, sad, frustrating. I've had more than my share of Murphy's Law recently. I see myself at the brink of the intolerable. I see myself walking out and away for good if there's just one more slight. It doesn't even have to be against me. Usually it isn't. But it's always the principle of the thing, you know? It's always me walking out of the room, just to not say anything I may regret.. Damn the regret, I'm not holding my tongue any longer..

gamblers all by Charles Bukowski

sometimes you get out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that fac
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair
anyway,
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life
itself,
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading though traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as
you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will
somehow
get through the slow days, and the busy days, and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so
delightful
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

Rough day today at work, they changed my schedule and didn't bother to tell me.. nothing like knowing what you're going to be doing before you arrive. They could have told me.
As it was, I was "project person" today, which means cleaning up any unforeseen messes left behind by other departments too busy or too lazy to clean up after themselves.. Not many tasks, but those that take a lot of time.
Uniforms are out of the loop again for this week. We are not to wear them until they can get the sizes right, lol. Whew! Thanking God for small favors, here. I really am kind of tired but I'm still off to a big spaghetti dinner with some folks from work, and a whole bunch of other people...

Your Phase, Your Face

Come back on Tuesday
I'll see your smile
and by this time
next week you'll be
my Cheshire Cat
once more.

I've known well those
who spend their lives
never knowing, never
questing, sastisfied
with their inertia,
their progressive
vegetation.

How very "potted plant"
of them to swear up
and down that there is
no inspiration to be
found across the dark
opening of that world,
worlds they shake their
heads at, turning away.

But I'm watching the
skies again and see that
you have disappeared
from tonight's canvas,
knowing that I'll see
your face again by
month's end.

As The Stranger

Situation uncomfortable here
wasn't it from the start...
all the nagging questions
in the back of my mind...
the ones that always seem
so trivial to ask; in hindsight
the perfect ones to present.

Were there be actual threats here,
backed by fear and paranoia..
at the presence of a stranger
in the line of fire.

Innocence be damned, they took
me by surprise in this, taken
for granted that all was normal.
Oh, breathe in the smell of
hostility in the afternoon.
Just seconds before, yes...
on the step, he turned at the
entrance, an assurance.

These are good people,
they are decent folk.

Can be decent
among themselves
for eternity.


- A recent experience, very unpleasant.. I must learn to rely more on my instinct from now on.

We are so not ready for Joint Commission. A month ago none of the departments would let the floor techs anywhere near them, now they want all their floors stripped and waxed in a matter of hours. Impossible? No. Will it be done right? Hell no!
The inspectors will be touring the facility at 9:00 am on Monday. If we're lucky, they'll have everything wrapped up by Thursday afternoon. But since we're still struggling for preparedness, I forsee a lot of glitches in the schedule next week. I'm so not looking forward to this. And the uniforms... they've been having a control issue with those new uniforms. The ones none of us got to pick out, the Taco Bell lookin' ones. Turns out they run just huge and nobody's got the right size now... The Smalls look like a Large and the Mediums look like an Extra Large. And they want us to be wearing them on Monday? Someone says "We're gonna look like idiots." My response to that: "That's what they want." We have no say in anything anymore.. They've had new doors put on the housekeeping carts that don't close right or at all. It's just gonna be a total mess next week. No wonder everybody's so stressed out right now. JAHCO is going to be dinging us right and left... Oh I'm ok... yeah, we're all ok.. I sense this whole thing is going to be the last straw for a lot of people.

Upon reading a critical review by Charles Bukowski

its difficult to accept
and you look around the room
for the person they are talking about.

he's not there
he's not here.
he's gone

by the time they get your book you
are no longer your
book.
you are on the next page,
the next
book.

and worse,
they don't even get the old books right.
you are given credit for things you don't
deserve, for insights that aren't
there.

people read themselves into books, altering
what they need and discarding what they
don't.

good critics are as rare as good
writers.
and whether I get a good review or a
bad one
I take neither seriously.

I am on the next page,
the next book.

Missing

Missing again, that one thought
I had tucked away, I thought safe,
the ideal that was the perfect one
to build on.

Should have seen it coming.
That split-second distraction;
the car speeding by too close
to the curb, the sparrow dive
bombing the neighbor's cat
from his arial tree top perch,

Should I design a "lost" poster
of some sort, notify the authorities,
Independence's finest boys in blue,
thumb a ride to the nearest Krispy Kreme
to file my report.

The sketch will grace the carton
on your breakfast table...
"Have you seen this thought?"
Was last seen in the vicinity
of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"

Retrace the steps now, or in my sleep
you will be found again, in that brief
moment before REM drifts soundless,
wordless, inside a dream, where in
my dream I'm reaching for the pen
and paper.

I was talked into seeing Napoleon Dynamite instead of The Village. ...And I was so looking forward to a good scary movie, Gosh!
This is a very quirky movie.. a lot of retro 70's/80's references in it. So many of the scenes were really so stupid they became funny for the pure fact that the deadpan delivery just kind of grows on you... like mold. Haha, I really don't see how the guy could say all this lame dialoge with such a straight (more like blank) face without bursting into insane laughter at the geekiness of it all. Like I said, a very quirky movie.

Def Poetry on cable last night was really a good one, I've been recording a lot of them just to go back and watch again. I'm trying to get some discussion started on this topic in my poetry group, Bailey's Java Cafe on Yahoo.

Oh, look at the time... I've got to get ready for work again. Oh joy...

Where to start?? I dread these next couple of weeks. At work. Word has it that the JAHCO inspectors have a major beef with HCA stemming from that Medicare fiasco some years back, so they'll be nitpicking the staff like crazy...
We've already been told: "Now is NOT the time to air your grievances." Great... No pressure there, hehe. I am not looking forward to this in the least.
My ex bf is staying with friends in San Francisco, got kicked out from his best friend's place... I think it was over not having a job. Now he's wanting to come back to town to stay at his dad's. His dad lives a few blocks away from me.
I can't get motivated... in anything much outside of work. I'm having a hard enough time staying motivated for work. Hey, at least I'm still writing, I always have that. Thank God. Don't know what I would do if I couldn't just write stuff down whenever I feel like it. I can remember when I couldn't even do that, it wasn't really all that long ago it seems.
Went out last night... very, very informal time of it, haha... unavoidably late, but I can understand, he's got a close friend who's elderly and physically handicapped now, that he takes care of quite a bit, and those things take a lot of time. I don't think his friend can even get around without his wheelchair, and an oxygen tank.. that's really some major lugging stuff around, and it takes extra time just to get him in and out of the van whenever he needs to go somewhere, poor guy.. He's trying to get him into a program where a home health worker can come in and take up a lot of the responsibility, cause he's wearing himself out just taking him to the doctors, etc.
My son Jason came home yesterday after job hunting, all upset cause everybody he talked to acted like they didn't have time for him, or had already hired somebody else. That's what you get for wearing a lip ring to fill out applications. Damn... It used to be kind of funny. It's not funny anymore. Me and Laura both sat right here and told him it was a bad idea, just last weekend. Now he says, we never told him that. But even if we didn't you'd think it would occur to him to take it out whenever he goes job hunting, sheesh.
Well I guess this is my rant for the day. It's gotta get better from here.

Willie Gee Is Tappin' The Keg

Willie Gee says,
"My mind is pickled."

Willie Gee says,
"If they were to open up
the top of my skull like
this pull tab, there would
be more than enough alcohol
inside my brain to flood
Japan."

Never mind the Saki,
he's an MGD man.
Be there at the party,
God willing and the creek
at Hill Park don't rise
like some bad-ass monster
from a B-grade movie.

Imagine if you will,
Godzilla slain off the coast
of Anheiser Bush, why the
tidal push alone would spawn
a brand new generational wave
of mis-queued sound bytes.

(Honestly, there is a Willie Gee, but the name has been changed to protect the infamous...
And that's the beauty of poetry sometimes, that you can take so many different elements and people you see, and hear of. It can mean so many different things to different people...)

Rejection noticed me, I told you
I would withstand, I am still here
after all this time ...

Confuse me, rip my insides
nightly,
have your way, your way..
make me love you, me who
is not enough for you.

Give me hope from the start,
you, also one needing hope.
Take it away from no one,
the telling; tell me, tell me
to keep what's in my heart,
this is what's been done,
there has been
no other way.

Destroy me, trip me, find
me stumbling in the dark
without a clue, having found
nothing of reason, blind and
bleeding a torn soul.
You have been too deep within
me to give anything now
without this
absolute pain.

The Blackbirds are Rough Today by Charles Bukowski

Lonely as a dry and used orchard
spread over the earth
for use and surrender.

shot down like an ex-pug selling
dailies on the corner.

taken by tears like
an aging chorus girl
who has gotten her last check.

a hanky is in order your lord your
worship.

the blackbirds are rough today
like
ingrown toenails
in an overnight
jail---
wine wine whine,
the blackbirds run around and
fly around
harping about
Spanish melodies and bones.

and everywhere is
nowhere---
the dream is as bad as
flapjacks and flat tires:
why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of
dust
like a bad boy just out of
school---
you tell me,
you who were a hero in some
revolution
you who teach children
you who drink with calmness
you who own large homes
and walk in gardens
you who have killed a man and own a
beautiful wife
you tell me
why I am on fire like old dry
garbage

we might surely have some interesting
correspondence.
it will keep the mailman busy.
and the little butterflies and ants and bridges and
cemetaries
the rocket-makers and dogs and garage mechanics
will still go on a while
until we run out of stamps
and/or
ideas.

don't be ashamed of
anything: I guess God meant it all
like
locks on
doors.

Now and Then

There is now the sense of
not being right with anything.

Back in the old-school
day I was not fragile,
was only serious minded.

All these years and when
I found it, it was seen
as half full, yet the glass
was not mine to taste from.

Now so convoluted with those
tiny hairline fractures that
could shatter at any moment
the thing that would be torn
apart, how life threatens to
break a heart over and
over again.

How today everything I saw
or heard or felt was such a
reminder of loss that I ask
myself, How much is too much?
I couldn't begin to reason
a guess from the fragmented
thoughts and tones of

perpendicular ideals that
only come from feeling too
much, going too deep for
there ever to be much hope
of finding the way back.
How true? Too fragile for
love, after all.

Saw the news last night... then I came in to work this morning and saw this:
Message From The CEO
July 20, 2004
MEMO TO: HCA Midwest Staff
FROM: Dan Jones, CEO
SUBJECT: Certificate of Need
 
I'm extremely pleased to inform you the State of Missour yesterday approved our Certificate of Need to establish a new 257-bed hospital in Independence that will replace and consolidate licensed beds at IRHC (Independence Regional Health Center) and MCI (Medical Center of Independence).
The new facility - to be built at the northwest corner of 39th Street and Selsa Road in Independence - will open in 2007, with groundbreaking expected later this year. Throughout the construction and transition process, we will ensure area residents have access to high-quality health care. IRHC and MCI will remain open until the new hospital is completed. Although we have an exciting transition ahead of us, we will remain focused on providing the best possible health care at our two existing facilities until the new hospital is complete.
This is a great time for IRHC and MCI staff. I want to personally thank each and every employee for your tremendous support throughout this process. We are absolutely committed to providing first-class health care for this community, and a replacement hospital will allow us to achieve that goal.
As this project moves forward, I will keep you informed of  new developments every step of the way. You are the backbone of this organization, and you will be instrumental in making this transition a smooth one.
Thanks again for your continued support.
Dan Jones.
 
So its official.. they are definitely going to close the hospital.  Only thing, though, I'm not waiting around for it to happen. It's time to move on. It's been time for that for too long already.

Well I guess that's not the only thing I've been sick of lately. My job, this city, this life...  If I don't chicken out, there will be my two-week notice announced by the end of this week. I've really had it.. I'm just so burned out with that place, the new company that took over last year. It doesn't even matter that they all went to Jefferson City today to debate the closing of two of the area hospitals.. that doesn't matter to me any more. All I know is I want out of the whole mess.  This city.. I don't know what compelled me to come back here in the first place. Well, on second thought, I'm certain of why.. but what I can't understand is why I felt like I had to stay here so long afterwards.. I'm tired of hoping for something that I'll never end up with. What a ball of chaos this blog is today.. Tired of being lonely, always hoping for something that will never happen.... This really sucks.

Ok, I'm already sick of hearing about Martha Stewart. I didn't care one whit about her before, why should I now? Is anybody with me on this? Oh, what a centered individual with inner strength. Not. More like an actor on cue, if you know what I mean.. Who really cares? I don't know personally of anyone who does. So enough with the Martha bit, OK?
I am currently out of the webtv loop at the moment, which means I have no access to the internet at home. Until I can get this straightened out, I'm stuck with posting and returning emails from the library, so bear with me... I'll be back. (hehe, seems I've recently heard that somewhere before, just can't quite place it, lol)

Godiva

Allow me this
box of cornstarch
to cover your naked body with...

Such a deep massage, it will feel like silk,
sprinkled first on your back after those
hard hours at work,lounging, stretched out,
relaxing on your bed.

It will be fluid motion, my hands like waves
lapping the beach on the way to your hidden
endings and loving every minute of it.

My fingertips will travel slow,
oh yes, they will travel, playfully
winding down past, toward the back
of your legs, lingering long enough
everywhere to draw random swirls
of patterns in the dusting.

Soft like the weightlessness of silk
remaining, covered, you, your skin,my touch.
 
Turn now, allow me to become
your Lady Godiva, riding your
horse steadily to the ocean;
my passions continue, warm and loving.

Moan for me, my love.
I swear I would give you my all.

What They Want 
  
Dusk winding open along the road
turned devious through the onslaught
of fragmentation, thoughts too splintered
these days any longer to find the right words,
the way to continue making sense of  this.
Or who to pray to now who could
turn back the clock.
 
In the sky, at my back
the clouds were shifting,
forming shapes that dissolved
into puddles the next day.
 
And the hills of  these streets,
a killer to the muscles in your legs.
The concrete of this building,
doomed and razed, demanding refusal
to go down with the ship.

I've been trying to add some different features to my poetry group today.
Bailey's Java Cafe
Some ideas: a featured poet each month, and I'm also trying to figure out a way to incorporate more discussion among group members....
And as always, anyone is welcome to come visit the group. Check it out and see how you like it.

This is the new Cure cd I bought yesterday. It still has the plastic shrink-wrap on the case, just begging to be opened. I love the Cure, but at the same time, a dear friend is also very much into them, and with a birthday coming up in the next week I thought it would be the perfect gift. :D

And speaking of birthdays, there were two events I was invited to on the same night... I opted for the first one that came up. A friend in NE KC. It was a nice place, an older house. I love the set-up of the place, with it's huge windows, just awesome. Also a creative idea for the party was to place disposable cameras at various locations through the house, with a sheet of paper for each one, to list who took the picture, etc. Haha, great concept and good theory, but the cameras seemed to be creeping all over the place, getting mixed up and all.. two in one location, three in another.. But the pictures should be very interesting.. hmmm... except for the "Unlucky Seven" who drank too much.. some of us were kept very busy with towels and carpet cleaner.. But all that aside, I had a great time and am really glad I went. So thanks Epsilon, and Happy Birthday!

A good friend has done some occasional writing in the past and has allowed me to post them online. I think they're definitely worth reading, what do you think?


Through trials and heartaches I must endure.
I know that His love will make me sure
of a love so true, it can be mine
for the present and for all time.
-Lisa Baker

How many times have you been in despair
and felt so much pain?
How many times did it seem no one cared
as if the world was to blame?
I've tried and tried so many times
to put my trust in you,
but its so hard to realize you see,
who wants a prisoner like me.
- Lisa Baker

I want to write about how when the balance shifts, it tilts everything to the extreme, like some pinball game gone rabid, how when I sit and daydream, my pen sprouts Warholian wings and flies away to the moon on cow wallpaper and side-by-side images of Coca-Cola bottles. I want to write about how the park I used to steal away to when I was a kid, crossing trails and railroad tracks (always "to the tracks!) to steal the flattest stones from its creek bed and skip two, three, four times in a row, the dance made mad ripples in the rush, now stagnant, standing unmovable until the next tornado season, bringing along its heavy rains just perfect for flooding the adjoining tennis courts the city just replaced in time for spring. I want to write about all this but tonight the total wreck of imagination is nonexistant.

Broken

I want your face to be
the last thing I see
tonight, the last thing
I ever see in this life.

Every day I read and write
and lose some part of myself,
wondering who is the one
lucky enough to hold your
heart.

Every day the city, place of
my secret wish, bench of my
tearful break.

The remembrance of such split
loss of ideals, the system
of beliefs, faith in a man,
who you are is everything.
I'm the one who needs you.

This daily dose is harsh
reality, what is never
to be, never more, no love,
slow dances, no touch,
warm and loving, there is no
laughter tonight or any night.

Have a Fun and Happy 4th of July everyone!

We Were Busy

They had it way back then,
even said as much, that
war is hell and unhealthy
for children and other
living things.

They said it, and we turned
our backs, indifferent, in
favor of buying Prada and
tabloids because enquiring
minds wanted to know the
latest shenanigans of Jagger
and Jeri, the rise and fall
of disco, took artists to court
trivialized words and meaning.

We were busy and technology
grew in leaps and bounds,
while battles turned stealth-
ridden and nothing is remembered
of the fairness in a street fight.

There will be no shootout at the
OK Corral, no 30 paces, no challenge
issued by the sheriff at high noon,
for the break of dawn.
So put your guns away.

A good friend from work forwarded this to me yesterday. I'd really be interested to see what comments this generates, so if you have any feelings about this, please leave your comments at the bottom, (I promise I won't slam anyone for their opinions)...


This is not very long, but very informative. You have to read the catalogue of events in this brief piece. Then, ask yourself how anyone can`take the position that all we have to do is bring our troops home from Iraq, sit back, reset the snooze alarm, go back to sleep, and no one will ever bother us again.
In case you missed it, World War III began in November 1979... that alarm has been ringing for years.

US Navy Captain Ouimette is the Executive Officer at Naval Air Station, Pensacola, Florida. Here is a copy of the speech he gave last month. It is an accurate account of why we are in so much trouble today and why this action is so necessary.

AMERICA NEEDS TO WAKE UP!

That's what we think we heard on the 11th of September 2001 (When more than 3,000 Americans were killed -AD) and maybe it was, but I think it should have been "Get Out of Bed!" In fact, I think the alarm clock has been buzzing since 1979 and we have continued to hit the snooze button and roll over for a few more minutes of peaceful sleep since then.

It was a cool fall day in November 1979 in a country going through a religious and political upheaval when a group of Iranian students attacked and seized the American Embassy in Tehran. This seizure was an outright attack on American soil; it was an attack that held the world's most powerful country hostage and paralyzed a Presidency. The attack on this sovereign U.S. embassy set the stage for events to follow for the next 25 years.

America was still reeling from the aftermath of the Vietnam experience and had a serious threat from the Soviet Union when then, President Carter, had to do something. He chose to conduct a clandestine raid in the desert. The ill-fated mission ended in ruin, but stood as a symbol of America's inability
to deal with terrorism.

America's military had been decimated and down sized/right sized since the end of the Vietnam War. A poorly trained, poorly equipped and poorly organized military was called on to execute a complex mission that was doomed from the start.

Shortly after the Tehran experience, Americans began to be kidnapped and killed throughout the Middle East. America could do little to protect her citizens living and working abroad. The attacks against US soil continued.

In April of 1983 a large vehicle packed with high explosives was driven into the US Embassy compound in Beirut. When it explodes, it kills 63 people.
The alarm went off again and America hit the Snooze Button once more..

Then just six short months later a large truck heavily laden down with over 2500 pounds of TNT smashes through the main gate of the US Marine Corps headquarters in Beirut and 241 US servicemen are killed.
America mourns her dead and hits the Snooze Button once more.

Two months later in December 1983, another truck loaded with explosives is driven into the US Embassy in Kuwait, and America continues her slumber.

The following year, in September 1984, another van was driven into the gate of the US Embassy in Beirut and America slept.
Soon the terrorism spreads to Europe.

In April 1985 a bomb explodes in a restaurant frequented by US soldiers in Madrid.
Then in August a Volkswagen loaded with explosives is driven into the main gate of the US Air Force Base at Rhein-Main, 22 are killed and the snooze alarm is buzzing louder and louder as US interests are continually attacked.

Fifty-nine days later a cruise ship, the Achille Lauro is hijacked and we watched as an American in a wheelchair is singled out of the passenger list and executed.

The terrorists then shift their tactics to bombing civilian airliners when they bomb TWA Flight 840 in April of 1986 that killed 4 and the most tragic bombing, Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988, killing 259.

Clinton treated these terrorist acts as crimes; in fact we are still trying to bring these people to trial. These are acts of war. The wake up alarm is getting louder and louder.

The terrorists decide to bring the fight to America. In January 1993, two CIA agents are shot and killed as they enter CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

The following month, February 1993, a group of terrorists are arrested after a rented van packed with explosives is driven into the underground parking garage of the World Trade Center in New York City. Six people are killed and over 1000 are injured. Still this is a crime and not an act ofwar?
The Snooze alarm is depressed again.

Then in November 1995 a car bomb explodes at a US military complex in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia killing seven service men and women. A few months later in June of 1996, another truck bomb explodes only 35 yards from the US military compound in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. It destroys the Khobar Towers, a US Air Force barracks, killing 19 and injuring over 500.
The terrorists are getting braver and smarter as they see that America does not respond decisively.

They move to coordinate their attacks in a simultaneous attack on two US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. These attacks were planned with precision. They kill 224. America responds with cruise missile attacks and goes back to sleep.

The USS Cole was docked in the port of Aden, Yemen for refueling on 12 October 2000, when a small craft pulled along side the ship and exploded killing 17 US Navy Sailors. Attacking a US War Ship is an act of war, but we sent the FBI to investigate the crime and went back to sleep.

And of course you know the events of 11 September 2001. Most Americans think this was the first attack against US soil or in America. How wrong they are. America has been under a constant attack since 1979 and we chose to hit the snooze alarm and roll over and go back to sleep.

In the news lately we have seen lots of finger pointing from every high official in government over what they knew and what they didn't know. But if you've read the papers and paid a little attention I think you can see exactly what they knew. You don't have to be in the FBI or CIA or on the National Security Council to see the pattern that has been developing since 1979.

The President is right on when he says we are engaged in a war. I think we have been in a war for the past 25 years and it will continue until we as a people decide enough is enough. America needs to "Get out of Bed" and act decisively now. America has been changed forever. We have to be ready to pay the price and make the sacrifice to ensure our way of life continues.. We
cannot afford to keep hitting the snooze button again and again and roll over and go back to sleep.

After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Admiral Yamamoto said "... it seems all we have done is awakened a sleeping giant." This is the message we need to disseminate to terrorists around the world.

Support Our Troops and support President Bush for having the courage, political or militarily, to address what so many who preceded him didn't have the backbone to do--both Democrat and Republican. This is not a political thing to be hashed over in an election year; this is an AMERICAN thing. This is about our Freedom and the Freedom of our children in years to come.

It was the best birthday cake this year, and it wasn't even my birthday.
There's a lady at work who'll bake a cake and bring it to work anytime one of us has a birthday... She had such a hard time with mine over the past few months. Understand that she lives downtown and walks to the bus stop every morning, then she walks another couple of blocks once she gets to Independence. One time she was distracted and left it on the bus, another time she was chased by a pit bull and wouldn't you know it, the cake happened to end up in someone's open trash bin, and she sure wasn't going in after it, especially not with that dog still hot on her heels. I'd keep telling her, it was alright, she didn't have to bring one, after all that.. But she insisted. So today she brought the best coconut cake. Made from scratch.. Wow. Cool... Double wow.. and I would imagine Dun Laoghaire knows the rest of that story.

The Contentedness Of Dreams

Not the trivial grind of today.
No tv, no work, no hot shot
company reps, no politics...

Instead tonight I will wonder
and think-tank on faith in words
and dreams, wishing so desparately
to offer the one I love the relief
he deserves; solace to him when lost
in self doubt, I wish him restful
sleep with none of the troubled
circumstance.

Take away this anxious
time, replace it with alternating
currents of relaxation and excitement,
the contentedness of dreams, lightning
bugs caught across summer lawns and
saved in jars, blankets over picnic
grass, to clink plastic tumblers of
Vanilla Coke to chase thirst away
with a satisfying bite, walks in the
rain, for the rain's sake alone...

Just dreams, and such wonderful
dreams at that.

Spent Sighs And Whispers

There are times each day
you are terribly missed
in private, quasi-private,
with too many chances to be
alone with my wishes.

As in this moment when
the night promises endless
hollow, hungry hours, when
again I'm alone with my
thoughts and myself, to quiet
the deep sobs that catch
so complete, spent sighs and
whispers sent to some outward
intangible, always something
I can never touch.

A Thistle For Nothing

They don't call it
a thistle for nothing,
purple spikes that are not
grown hydroponically, with
care and tending, but wild
along the roadside with the
freedom to spring up just
wherever they want.

Who in the world would not
pray for an option like that?

Most of them tiny, in scattered
bunches, but along the journey
there's always the few odd ones,
proud, tall and thriving in the
soil and sun, having soaked up
what delicious rain fallen
the night before
so that in the morning
they have slept well enough
to survive another day
of fumes and exhaust.

Well the trip to the library yielded some Bukowski books I had on order that got sent back... I looked around for another book in particular, The Fiery Cross by Diana Gabaldon, they didn't have that. So I looked around some more and found this:



So this is what I'm reading right now.
I would have gotten a good start on it earlier today while waiting on the bus home, but someone came by with a grocery store ad from the mail and couldn't help expressing loud absolute amazement at all the bargains, lol. It's a huge book, gonna take a while, looks awesome though.

It's my day off today... I don't have much going on. I'm stuck in this awful rut, and not really know the best way to go forward. I'm stagnating here in this town and I keep thinking all I really need to to is something drastic to perpetuate a change.. good, bad, but not indifferent. Inertia brings its own brand of hell. I have to do something.... anything. Pondering on the pro's and con's takes too much time, especially when it seems like that's all you've done for months. You eventually get to where you say, "enough." Its past time I stopped dragging my feet and do something to see some positive results. Some progress I can see in relation to what plodding away on this daily basis brings. I'm emo, I'm frustrated, depressed because I see no end to this right now. "Whah!" I'll get over it in time... Just a little bit of where my head's at today, that's all.

Soul

Everything here comes with
a thousand words.
His face could mystify sages
of ancient times, become a
wistful sonnet so full of
meaning, tenderness.
Eyes much more than windows,
God only knows how it's a
day's work to look into,
or ever find them.
Keeping mindful of visions
that ever holds those stars
adrift, clear.
Watch how they glitter,
coat the mountain breeze,
the air so thin and pure here.
Just these short hours under
the night and the breathing
is easy, sighs so fulfilling.
Look at him sleeping, so content,
he has a beautiful soul.

Today The Metaphor Is Free

And I could spend hours each day
scanning these pages for the one
poem so delicious I could
devour it whole.

Where these words have a mind
of their own to wrap tight into,
enough to feel the pulse,
surrounding heat beyond the heat
of summer.

A page where just the breath of
speaking can toss clouds shifted
by a humid breeze, change images
like erosion of sea to sand
where I bury continual hurts,
watch as they are washed away
to make room for something brighter.

At last communication, Laura and her dad were on their way back from Fargo, and she has finally resumed the trip back home. They should be back in town sometime tonight.. Well, what a trip that turned out to be. Somebody should write a letter to the MTV show, Pimp My Ride and have them fix up the entire car for her, for as much she's been through with that fool thing.
I went out with some friends from work last night. Started out at this Mexican restaurant just up the street. Palomino's (Decent food, and pretty reasonable) From there, went to another place with a DJ, celebrated a co-worker's birthday. I kept having to tell her 40 ain't so bad.. I don't think she was all that convinced, though. Anyway, I had a good time there, I haven't been out like that in quite a while.. but as much fun as I had, I don't think I'm gonna be doing it again anytime soon. I'll be starting my 2nd job next week so I'm going to be more appreciative of my days off and spending that time to myself, doing the important things like laundry, writing, errands, cleaning house, writing, grocery shopping, writing, and writing.
I slept in today, then went to get some supplies at Wal Mart, and was wanting to get to Barnes and Noble.. but I got such a late start, plus having to wait on the bus.. I didn't think I'd make it back in time for the last transfer. Bus went right past the bookstore too :( So, later for browsing the poetry section, maybe next Friday if I have the chance.

Boredom Falls In Canada

They rolled up the sidewalk
precisely at 7 p.m. last night
and in the blink of an eye
what little there was is now
already shut down.

So much for the middle of this
Odessa-like nothing, the space so
much forgotten, lost in Gladstone.

Tennis shoe heels like two pogo sticks,
mad as a March hare in June
when the crow flies, and now you're
skipping down the street like the
gay guy in Jackass the Movie,
regardless of the strange looks
from those two kids on bikes.

Still not taking pictures of the
maple leaf, the empty gas station,
the darkened restaurant and grocery
store, walking, walking who knows where?
Its all for the sake of exploration,
and well you know, years from now this
will all be the source of laughter,
good times, still good times.


(Something for my daughter, who's stuck in Canada at the moment.)

Would you like some good news first or maybe the not so good news? Ok, and now for something completely different. I was hired for the perfect 2nd job I was hoping for. I start the 14th of this month. Perfect because its as close as my other job as I can get, right across the street.. and it'll still be daylight when I get off, which is good. I'll still get to see the light of day on my own time :D
My daughter's been in Canada last week, visiting a friend. I call this the trip from Hell. I swear she's had soo much trouble (car trouble) since the very beginning. I won't give all the details, but for the duration, it's been one thing after another. Well, now she's on her way home, and this thing happened yet again. So last I heard she was still waiting on assistance (after she called them a second time and found out they were headed in the wrong direction) How's that for an outfit who's expertise is roadside assistance? Lol. I will keep updates on this, till she gets home.. as I've been doing on my Xanga site, since most of her friends read that one... I was keeping them posted on the trip when she didn't have access to a computer. I suppose this is all for now... Unless I have some thunderbolt of inspiration in the middle of the night, and I'll have to get up to furiously post online... provided my son isn't hogging the keyboard then..
Cherios!

Well, it was a good day at work... No big shots or supervisors to get in the way of doing a job; in fact, one of them is on vacation for the next two weeks and we can all work without being spied on. And for once, they didn't short us on the linen this time (however, I'm still going to have to call tomorrow for some empty carts for us to use) They guy even came and took the dirty linen on time for us... which brings me to the close call I had this morning. Just outside the door to the dock, there is a long ramp to the right. I was sitting on the bench, and there were two other co-workers further down, at the end of the ramp. I just happened to look up and there was this cart full of dirty linen headed straight for me. Somehow it swerved and hit the wall next to the bench, but as soon as I jumped up, here comes another one. Luckily this one wasn't going all that fast so it could be stopped with no problem (or injury). Well anyhow, I counted that as enough excitement for the day, lol. At least it broke the monotony of an otherwise boring day. When things start going too smooth, it would seem the "gods of the "workday" like to keep us on our toes.

Flip Side OF The Void

Ask how there can be such
vague comparisons in the
search for something valid
and meaningful within.

Have you read forever,
whatever there may be
to seek, called upon words
to find more questions
in the answers?

What is your outcome now?
If my wishes owned a vision,
dreams a voice, I would see
and hear a comforting tone
that sounds strangely like his.

I spoke to my old boss again yesterday. She called me and asked if I still wanted the part-time evening position at the Groves. So I guess tomorrow around 9 a.m. I'll put in the application, be interviewed and hired on the spot. Doris set it up like that, since she'll be on vacation. And after that... orientation on the 14th. So I guess I'll be actually start on the 15th.
I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing.. yeah, I need the money, and yeah I couldn't do much else right now without it. But am I effectively condemning myself to this place by taking this job? I've told myself a lot lately that if I don't do something about this rut soon, I never will. Is this a good step in the right direction, or just more inertia. I can't seem to figure exactly what this is going to do.. will I be asking myself everyday, "what fresh hell is this?" or will I be able to easily see that this is just what it takes to get what I truly want? And if so, how long does this have to take? I'm usually patient, but this is just the tip of the iceberg with the self-nagging questions.