Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Oh God...
am I a masochist, or what?

First, the title needs more creativity and originality, seems plain and over simple.

Are You

Voiced from a distance
across the field of litter,<--should be a colon
paraphanalia and trailer trash.<--improper grammar, is spelled this way: paraphernalia
Are you Charles Benoit
of Liberty? Are you?
of the small and weak? <--cliche
Serial killer in the making? <--serial killers aren't poetic to me, thus to my brilliant mind you are trying to be shocking, but I think we are all desensitized by Hollywood, I'm sure. However children reading this would feel some shock, but we your audience aren't children, and topics such as that don't constitute for poetry, IMHHO
Can you feel my eyes now <-- cliche
burning poisoned darts through <--cliche
the back of your miserable skull, <--cliche
focused for vengeance on your <--cliche
despicable motive? The shrunken <--cliche
black heart that you possess, <--"black heart" is cliche
that you've always possessed. <--pointless redundancy in the word "possess"
I saw what you did, <--cliche
we all saw what you did <--again cliche and redundant, reaching for effect
for sport, from an afternoon of <--cliche
beer and weed, maybe you even <--run on after "weed", and drugs for a topic of poetry is not poetry, poetry is supposed to be from the higher minded faculties or reason and passion.
shot up that day. Did your veins <--cliche
feel it? Feel heat like hot coals, <--cliche in "heat like hot coals"
the same burning embers you drowned <--"burning embers" is cliche
a life in? I hope that you did, hope <--poor choice of grammar, and again cliche
you forgot even to bleach your works. <--cliche
We all heard what you said
in order to free yourself
of witnesses and charges. <--this whole sentence sounding like everyday speech, and poetry is supposed to transcend everyday speech-like writing
Witnesses and charges always <--pointless redundancy
return to hiss and claw
and bite back the way you
have come now, are you really <---end thought at "now"
free. Come now, have you looked <--needs question mark after "free", "come now" is cliche
over your shoulder lately? <--"looked over your shoulder" is cliche
Can you sleep at night? <--cliche
Can you look in the mirror? <--cliche
Friends and enemies, my friend.
Which ones can you trust? <--should be "which one"--lose the "s"

I see a brigade of cliches, virtually no original ideas or phrases. Learn your cliches if you want to master this art that you're responsible for... this smacks or seems to vent your feelings, which is ok, but the avenue of diction and meaning thus signifies that this poem had more of a purpose in shock value, rather than a passionate, soulful, pondering, thought provoking, beautiful, eloquent, and etc, that typifies poetry from great writers...like Edgar Allen Poe said that poetry should be a passion not a purpose. Your purpose is to shock, and I see little passion, sorry to be so blunt, I think you ought to know from me, someone that spent a while critiquing it, and cares that you live up to the status and such an honorable title such as poet, for there is a responsibility that exceeds all of our realizations to uphold it in truth and justice for all, and to true poets who bear witness to possess interest, even, to such an ineffable duty as to be a poet is vital to be and become.

1 comment:

Steve B said...

Rather pretentious, but then critics have that tendency. :)