Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Monday, February 28, 2005

I'm waiting patiently for a call from Kennedy Hospital. I turned in an application there last Friday. Ok, so I'm not all that patient in the waiting... I'm just so anxious to get back to work. Its all just got me jittery. Its been way too long, I need to get to work, get a paycheck coming in, make myself useful.. have a purpose for the day.
Geez... God, I hope they call today. That place would be perfect, they have several openings I found out when I went there. I left them my resume along with the application I filled out. It's close, within walking distance (not even as far as when I walked to Regional.) Like I said, that place would be so perfect. Well, enough of that... They'll call, they'll call. I'm ready for an interview NOW.
I found an update on what I posted yesterday...
Since this is an ongoing story about the local animal abuse case, I'm posting a link for updates.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Animal Abuse Rant

Inexcusable, well worth an angry outburst. I've had it with people who think they can get away with things like this... it happens everywhere. And again it's very close to where I live, both figuratively and literally. But as angry as I am, I found some good things to this story. One is the fact that the perpetrators and location are mentioned by name in the media...Yes! Let everyone know what monsters are on the next street or block... They deserve the unwelcome attention. Now it's only a matter of time before they're found. And two, judging from the article it sounds like the authorities are ready to make the charges stick. I really hope it gets to that point. I've seen so many cases where there's a breakdown in the system, (The "Boys will be boys" syndrome, if you will) where the abuser may get nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Or a witness is intimidated to the point where he or she drops the charges. Any number of things could happen between now and then; the point where someone actually serves jail time for an offense. I find it hard to believe that many people still operate under the umbrella of ignorance, claiming they didn't know that animal neglect and abuse is considered a crime now. So yeah, I'm calling for these two to be turned in. I'm calling for criminal charges and proceedings. I'm calling for jail time. For once, make an abuse case stick.

33 dogs rescued at Maple Shade house
Sunday, February 27, 2005

A neighbor's complaint about excessive dog barking led to the rescue Saturday of 33 dogs living in filth at a home here.
More than half the dogs were malnourished, said Matt Stanton, spokesman for the state Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Some had parasites, but all will recover, Stanton said.
Authorities are looking for Michael and Shirley Smith, the couple who had been renting the home at 130 W. Rudderow Ave., where the dogs were found.
Michael, 57, is believed to have worked for an auto auction in Philadelphia, Stanton said. Shirley's age is 55. Together, they will be charged with a combined 396 counts of animal cruelty, abandonment, failure to provide proper shelter and failure to provide proper sustenance.
The SPCA posted a warning on the house. After 48 hours, agents determined that no one had been in the home during that time.
Agents found 17 dogs locked in one bedroom. Stanton said five air conditioners were running in an effort to ventilate the home. The dogs were taken to the Burlington County Animal Shelter, where they are being treated.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I'm in a colorful mood today while I'm waiting for Spring... There was snow last Thursday, chilly today. Tomorrow will be alright, but Monday they say we're gonna get hit with more snow. A lot more.
I've been putting applications everywhere I can think of. Just yesterday I found just how close the hospital actually was... its like a ten-minute walk from here. Now I'm kicking myself for not going there sooner (instead of going all these other places by bus the next couple of towns over and having to transfer... and ending up lost, lol.) Well the good part is, there are positions open and I have experience in at least two separate departments. Some are part-time, some a full shift, and the hours would be perfect. I'm hoping they call early next week. In the meantime, I've gone to interviews at PetSmart and Pathmark, and should hear back from one of them soon too, I hope. Got another interview on Monday, hope the weather isn't too bad.

Has anybody been watching Survivor? Better catch it while you can, already two shows down and 4 members gone... Things happen fast on that show. Oh, and not to forget American Idol. This should get good, too as time goes on. But, oh woe is me... I have yet to hear anything about my absolute favorite show -Russell Simmons' Def Poetry. I'm wondering if they haven't actually cancelled it by now. :( Not a good thing.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

The sense of self-worth at this point is equal to employment. Almost driving myself crazy... Is it time to panic yet? In a few minutes, I'll call someone named Dave to find out what's available at his end. This after he accidentally let his associate fill the position I was to interview for.. After that, I'm going to Voorhees to intervew for a hotel housekeeping job. Yesterday I sent a few applications online, the day before that, I went to Petsmart and survived the first of a potentially two-part interview. I haven't heard back from them yet.
There's a storm coming, about 3 inches of accumulated snow. Hopefully I'll get back before it gets too bad.
Well, as for the evening - There's always the second installment of Survivor... Let's watch!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


If only you knew the pull of words,
understand when the sound is
never dry recitation.
Understand then - that the pull
is vital when lifted off a page,
levitated with the force of purpose,
drama pulling conscience toward some
pulse of survival, to be in the moment
of a phrase, a unique absolute full of
electrons - a sappy, sureal natural
high just to watch.
And listen.
And learn.
Wouldn't you thank God for this?
Thank the muse for presentation
like that? We all would.
One to stand up, throw down
seeking to shock, anger,
make you cry, handstand for joy;
get inside your brain,
get inside your soul.
All the words to get you
and me up out of our seats and
osmosis the cause like microscopic
cells thriving in a Martian sea
of ice.

-- Not only remembering all the Def Poetry performances on cable, which I wish would show up again soon... But really going all the way back to the Java Cafe in Fresno when I went to my first poetry reading. They invited a group of spoken-word poets from Sacramento and I was just blown away by the whole evening. They read from notebooks... They read and every word they spoke seemed to have a life of its own.

Well, there were tornados in Sacramento... it reminds me of that movie "The Day After Tomorrow" when the weather everywhere went haywire. I still have friends in Fresno, just hope they're dealing with all the rain and mudslides ok.
I've been keeping busy with applications and interviews. Some places haven't worked out, but I'm trying to keep something happening everyday. Like this morning I was to go for an interview, so I called before I headed out. The guy told me his partner had already filled the position. But like I said, I'm trying to have something happening on a regular basis until I find something. I've been to Target, a grocery store, some places at the Mall. Today I went to PetSmart for an interview, hope they call me back for a second one. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that, 'cause I would love that kind of work. They have a couple of openings so that doubles my chances, plus its so close to home... would be just perfect for me.
Home... I think the best thing I ever could have done was move here, away from all the stress and everything else, I don't think I've ever been as happy. I think back on how long I've wanted this this and how scary, how much of a risk it was... always knew it would be well worth the risk, and never imagined just how good this was going to be. So in love... I could touch his face, spend hours looking into his eyes.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Cool news on the ASPCA

Russell Simmons Joins the ASPCA in Launching Anti-Cruelty Campaign
Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Hip-Hop mogul appears in national public service announcement campaign and takes a stand against animal cruelty.

(NEW YORK, NY) February 1, 2005 -- Hip-hop mogul, entrepreneur, political activist, and animal lover Russell Simmons has joined The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) to launch a national campaign to help raise awareness of and eliminate animal abuse and neglect.

"There is nothing cool about being cruel to animals, they have no choice and no voice," says Simmons, who is featured in a national television and print public service announcement (PSA) campaign. "Animal cruelty happens every day in America and people just sit by and do nothing."

The ASPCA is encouraging Americans to be vigilant for animal cruelty in their neighborhoods and visit www.aspca.org to learn how to identify possible animal cruelty.

Monday, February 21, 2005

A Duster

Bits of a cloud, several clouds
descended this morning
like confetti and left dust
on Einstein branches centered
across the way, viewed from
the loft where I stand.

No two configurations
are exactly alike
but once in a while,
every once in a while
you can find one
that bears an almost
perfect mirror image
of another.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I've been putting my resume and applications online since before I moved. Last week I went in person to the Mall out here to put in some applications, among them a place in the food court called the Lotus Blossom. Its next to a cajun entre place - two different restaurants, same management. Well I was put to work the next night, unpaid training, in the same spot behind the counter... hardly any movement at all.. I could tell right away, that was not the job for me. I even came close to calling over some of the janitors just to ask if they wanted to trade jobs, lol... Well of course I never went back. But... Now here's the good news. I got a call yesterday morning from someone who'd seen my resume online and wanted to set up an interview for Monday, here in town. The file clerk position would be an easy route to get to by bus. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Finally figured out how to send a file (to the publishers) - having access to a real computer and not just a webtv deal certainly helps. So now that I know for sure that they have my file, I'll just say that the book I Am Ready is in text production stage, and that it will still be quite a while till I hear more about it. I figure I'm just lucky to be able to send the stuff they needed, I went months trying to figure how to do it with something that couldn't even open a file, lol.

Friday, February 18, 2005

These Stars

How early this morning
to brave a chilled breeze,
a lingering before dawn that
hovers among balconies before
passing on its way.
I reach with icy fingers
for a warm coffee mug,
then face upwards
to a still dark sky where
the brightest signals
are steady;
they are still here
as I am still here.
I thank them:
This is what I've wanted,
this is what I cherish now.
His heart is pure
and we are together.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I was reminded of this just the other day, so I went back and looked for the link. Please, if you have a few extra seconds during your day, click this link to help a shelter or homeless animal. Visiting the site won't cost you a cent, and every click means a small sponsored donation for homeless animals.
The Animal Rescue Site

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Well, after months and months of stewing about the book, not having access to a real computer to send a file of the manuscript. I've sent it off to the publishers. Hopefully its in the right format this time. The last time I sent it (and I really thought it went through) they never got it. I have my fingers crossed, wish me luck. The next thing is the waiting.
Went on an application-filling mission yesterday at the local mall. A lot of stops at the food court, although many of them didn't seem to know what an application was... well, one didn't, lol. Then later on to a Target store for some supplies: Coffeemaker and filters. So today there was some Real Coffee :D I'd almost forgot what I was missing. Stopped by a PetSmart, found that they take mass applications/interviews every Tuesday at 3 pm. so I'm really wanting to get back there next week, that would be a better place to work, the way I am around animals.
I've filled out more applications here within the past week than my entire time in Philly... Its such a better place for jobs, and nearly anything else, than where I was before.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

For Confirmation

I want to capture the trees,
darkroom them inside,
place the squared all around

the stark white spaces
where you can vision them
year-round in your sleep,

underneath perfect branches
all for your faith in the
first stars, the brightest stars

shining through them, there for you
to count scientific with prisms
and tubes and maps of the sky
for conformation.

I want to capture the trees.
Giggle Factor

I was not so much fragile
then as serious
even then as now
such wants and needs
are pure as candlelight
but the heartfelt timbre
of your laughter grows
and gains yet another
level of integrity
like the inside plane
of a joke
that no one but us
Security Synonomous

It can never come from an
outside world to be grabbed
like the short hairs on some
CEO, a suit, a patron saint
of banks which are sometimes
built in the way of cathedrals,
ungodly monuments that stand
in the way at times crushing
what is real.
Nyet - it must come from a source.
It comes from that sense of
belonging, finding whatever
place to call home
which is only a home
because of who is there
lighting candles to
brighten the way.
Here's hoping everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I found it to be the way it should be, very peaceful, loving, gentle.
Oh boy, he's been spoiling me. Lol. But more than that...
"Sigh" I have been doing that a lot lately.. breathing deep sighs of relief, and enjoying it. I am lucky I was able to find what I needed. Able to offer the same and finding acceptance of it all. I've been all smiles, inside and out, been able to rest, away from the chaos of places I was before. There is such peace here at home. I am home.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Kaufman Stadium and Verizon Wireless

Hey... You remember
Sandstone? That big outdoor
place under the stars where all
the big names used to come by
and play.

Remember how we
always said it was the perfect
title for such a venue, how it
sounded like some blend, a native
whisp of herb and smoke, like
sandalwood that made it legendary
far, far into the future in the way
of Callanish.

Wow... and remember how one
or several rich sponsorships
somehow made off with it one day?
Yeah, when their pencil dashing,
bid acommodating, corporate
changing, suit wearing apostles
waved their briefcases over
each seat and merch table
like contract-filled magic wands,
and thus ransomed the legend Sandstone.

Awesome. So you do remember.

When I returned, I always did
miss that place.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Hot Pavement

The purple flowers on vines
my mother called "clematis"
twisted and followed their
path up a trellis to the
right of our front door.
On the other side,
almost hidden by them
every spring, a blue
evergreen offered home
to a nest of baby robins.
I never knew how many times
she plotted rescue from
the living room window -
I've lost count of those
sudden dashes out the door,
kitchen broom in hand
ready to shoo away the
"mean old neighbor cat"
who always came to play
with her first symbols
of spring.
I lost count.
All I chose to remember
are the endless warm days
stretching into each other
when my feet itched to
find the freedom of cool
lawns, hot pavement,
with those invariable
bloody big toe mishaps;
skin flapping as I was
forced to walk slower,
then re-enter the house:
Normal step, heel, step,
heel - try not to dirty
the floor on the way to
the bathroom medicine
cabinet holding that
trusty box of Band-Aids.
Ask myself, "One? Two is better."
I'm satisfied with a job well done,
dash back to some glorious day
again to the freedom of
sprinkler-wet grass between toes
and at dusk
with my father's warning,
"Chigger bites in the grass,
don't sit there" fading fast
im my ears, I'm off to find
a suitable container for
those strange flying things
that flicker in the air
at eye level.
One Hot Topic

I stand before you
because I didn't fall behind,
here with a story that has a
knack for giving misery
a frozen language of its own
for all its friends.
This is just some story
of a little boy with flashy
ambition, coins, colors, tattoos,
spiked blue hair with a streak
of red and an ego to match
who thought he could rule
the world
one band at a time.

~ Ok, ok.. it sounds like a shot. It probably is. All I can say is, rest in peace, Fed Up... Long live A Delicate Disaster. Hahaha!
Pain For a Daughter by Anne Sexton

Blind with love, my daughter
has cried nightly for horses,
those long-necked marchers and churners
that she has mastered, any and all,
reining them in like a circus hand-
the exitable muscles and the ripe neck;
tending, this summer, a pony and a foal.
She who is too squeamish to pull
a thorn from the dog's paw
watched her pony blossom with distemper,
the underside of the jaw swelling
like an enormous grape.
Gritting her teeth with love
she drained the boil and scoured it
with hydrogen peroxide until pus
ran like milk on the barn floor.

Blind with loss all winter,
in dungarees, a ski jacket, and a hard hat,
she visits the neighbor's stable,
our acreage not zoned for barns;
they who own the flamining horses
and the swan-whipped thoroughbred
that she tugs at and cajoles,
thinking it will burn like a furnace
under her small-hipped English seat.

Blind with pain she limps home.
The thoroughbred has stood on her foot.
He rested there like a building.
He grew into her foot like they were one.
The marks of the horseshoes printed
into her flesh, the tips of her toes
ripped off like pieces of leather,
three toenails swirled like shells
and left to float in blood in her riding boot.

Blind with fear she sits on the toilet,
her foot balanced over the washbasin,
her father, hydrogen peroxide in hand,
performing the rites of the cleansing.
She bites on a towel, sucked-in breath,
sucked-in and arched against the pain,
her eyes glancing off me where
I stand at the door, eyes locked
on the ceiling, eyes of a stranger,
and then she cries...
"Oh my God, help me!"
Where a child would have cried Mama!
Where a child would have believed Mama!
She bit the towel and called on God
and I saw her life stretched out...
I saw her torn in childbirth,
and I saw her, in that moment,
in her own death and I knew that she

~ Anne Sexton

- From Tangled Vines: A Collection of Mother and Daughter Poems, edited by Lyn Lifshin (Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, publ. 1992)
-Reprinted from Live or Die by Anne Sexton (Houghton Mifflin Co. 1966)

This one really jumped out at me when I was reading through the book, partly because this is one of my favorite poets, and also maybe I was missing my daughter back in the midwest...

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


There are dragon wings
rising from the
illumination of clouds
and timing is all
good things now and ever,
so much to say
even more to feel
and live, and together
there is no need to
voice them all...
He already knows
how this touch
conveys my truth,
knows how these colors
today are so much
brighter thatn the ones
of yesterday;
trees taller, sun warmer
and surrounding me safe
like his arms, comforted
we are tucked away
from the world, finding
solace in each other...
Knows the intensity
in connection, how
risk can be worth it all.
I swear sometimes
he has the peaceful face
of a guardian.

--Haha! First poem in about a month. It's about time, huh? Lol. Oh Happy Day :D