Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Sunday, May 30, 2004

I spoke to my old boss today, who also works weekends at the hospital, and at the nursing home across the street the rest of the time. There may be something there that's available for part-time evenings.
I'll talk to her again probably around Tuesday. Just think, possibly working for Doris Brown again, lol. "Well, ya know..."

I can't really tell at this point whether my daughter will be making her trip out to Canada after all. She took out yesterday morning a little after 8 a.m. I phoned her at 7 with a wake up call, and then again later to wish her luck.. But around 2 in the afternoon I got a text message on my phone saying "My car died." In Sioux City, Iowa. So, after letting it cool down a bit, she was able to start it back up again, but by that time and many phone calls later, she was on her way back into town in order to get the car checked out.
This afternoon it was still in the shop, so I guess right now the entire trip is still up in the air. It would be such a shame to cancel. She's been planning this thing for months now.. I really hope the car checks out all right so she'll at least be able to start out again tomorrow, even if it is a late start.

Poem about the moon (previous post) also about old friends, ones that go way back, that I've completely lost touch with. Maybe not so old friends.. just got to wondering what if I hadn't have made those awful choices I did, I would have been better off, maybe even happy, less lonely. I don't know. Was I really so stubborn to make the wrong choices? Maybe I was.
Then relatively new friends... that I feel so lost without the contact. Just some thoughts that entered the atmosphere. So today they've focused at times somewhere in Blue Springs.. and also sometimes much further away..

Pre- Dusk

Old friend, I haven't
seen you in a while,
but then I
haven't looked
In tonight's sky there's
the half of you showing
just enough to match
the half of me
that is lost.

Thursday, May 27, 2004


Didn't you know...
the abstract has always
been my familiar?
Much like rainbow water
on fresh blacktop
after last night's storm.

Or that the feeling
of repeating, repitan,
is an absolute
like an online Buk wav
that skips on every fifth
word, fifth word, and its
deja vu all over again.

But its the voice betraying
an image of its owner, I'd much
more expect a growl, like Moulton's
Casa de Frute, effectively clearing
seats at the Wild Blue to make room
for friends and those of like minds.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Bench With a View

It's the same here as these rivets
all the way up this wall...
Sixteen per rectangle, some
forty feet high and climbing
out in the open, and above.
Let's see how dangerous
human nature can make this wall.

It's the same height that the
deer went over after wandering too
far into the city, chased even by
unarmed fools into falling, leapt up
and over what looked like so little,
but dropping the distance to the
alley below.

Human nature...

I want their names and addresses, too.
I have plenty of time to catch up to them.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

For a long time I've been tired of being behind, always ending up broke, never able to save enough for what I want to do...
Solution? A second job.. It was decided today that if I could find a part time position, I could eventually save up. And I may have found one already. There was one listed at the place I used to work at. It's close to my other job, the hours would be perfect, and it's exactly what I used to do before, so I may have a good shot at it.. Wish me luck, folks. :)

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Here's another one from Buk (I couldn't resist)

the trash can

this is great, I just wrote two
poems I didn't like.

there is a trash can on this
I just moved the poems
and dropped them into
the trash can.

they're gone forever, no
paper, no sound, no
fury, no placenta
and then
just a clean screen
awaits you.

it's always better
to reject yourself before
the editors do.

especially on a rainy
night like this with
bad music on the radio.

and now --
I know what you're
maybe he should have
trashed this
misbegotten one

ha, ha, ha,

(Charles Bukowski, Def Poet)

Saturday, May 22, 2004

A little item that may be of interest to some of you, as it certainly is to me... Dallas just got burned by the Wizards, 2 - 0. (Was the pun intended? That could be anyone's guess.)

Went to the library today, no luck with one thing, but picked up a book they had been holding for me, Bukowski And The Beats by Jean-Francois Duval. This also has an interview, entitled An Evening at Buk's Place. I've only gotten to page 25 so far but I can tell I'm really going to get a lot of mileage out of this book.
What is it that leaves you feeling giddy, even when a lot of things seem to be going wrong, and there's the sense of impending doom, like the walls or the ceiling may collapse around you at any moment. That's the feeling I've been getting, lately, don't know why really... but then there's also that sense of discovery surrounding it. Maybe it was the way the wind picked up on the way home from the library today, when I make a point to look up always, around this time of year. For certain low-hanging clouds, for a signal to head for lower ground...
Extreme weather, always exciting and a little dangerous.. gets the adrenaline working overtime and creative juices flowing, I guess. Plus its also cause for unexplainable rambling on weblogs, so I'll stop now before I continue to get carried away. Till next time, my fellow bloggers. :D

Friday, May 21, 2004

It was absolutely down to the wire yesterday. All in a panic over my daughter's graduation. Somehow she was informed the day before the ceremonies themselves, that she would have to redo a major project in order to get the one point needed to graduate. So... in a last ditch effort, and with a little help from friends and family, not to mention pulling an all-nighter, she managed to scrape up the all important point. Thank God.
Commencement included over 400 students in Truman High School's Class of 2004, and the ceremony itself took two hours from start to finish. (A lot of those in our group said they were ready to go, just as soon as she finished walking across the stage, lol) It did seem to drag on forever after that.
But still, it was a wonderful event, and I'm so glad she was able to participate. I'm really so proud of her, she's done an incredible job pulling it all back together at the last minute. So, the point I'm really trying to make here is... Congratulations, "Dun Laoghaire." I knew you could do it. You were awesome up there!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

If Walls Could Talk

"We did not paint these walls
this awful color."
It was a diaper brown
tinged with green
(or maybe that was old glue)
My father stood facing the wall
after the initial discovery-shock of a week before, having done battle using the chosen weapons of a recycled spray bottle and putty knife.
That week's worth of
scraping away to the colors underneath...
"Ok, it looks ready.
Open the can"
I lift the lid to the plaster and hand him the smallest scraper I can find, then leave him to his work. At seven years old I've done my part, scraped paper to the baseboards, refilled spray bottles, lift supplies to the ladder. And called on one again to bring the Polaroid and record how these walls will actually speak to the next owner of this house on South Hardy...
"We did not paint these walls this awful color."

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Don't let this happen to you...
I was so sick at work today, and in a lot of pain. Could barely finish North Tower so I knew I was in trouble at around 9:00. You know how things go through your head with something like that... gallbladder, appendicitis, kidney infection. And I still went ahead and did the counts for South tower.. I'm too stubborn for my own good. But by then it was really getting hard to walk without my side killing me again. So I ended up telling the lead, who called Martha back in to finish up. Then he walked me up to ER (made sure I got there without passing out, hehe)
I was in there the rest of the day waiting for results to come back and whatnot. Turned out to be pneumonia.
So... This is what happens when you overdo things, get stressed out. You get sick and you can't sleep, can't eat. All it takes is for your body to be run down enough for all kinds of nasties. Anybody out there - don't let this happen to you. It's no fun at all, I guarantee it.

Friday, May 14, 2004

A Room of Silver

Its the reflection, beveled
a million times infinity as
light catches, bounced onto
and across the trail of countless
others watching, or being watched.

Milling of characters through, around.
Some staying overnight, some for weeks
at a time, all are given a task, they
are part of the entourage...

Doing for Drella, the great white hope,
robot-man, promises everyone's quarter-hour
in the spotlight, or on film, but therein
lies the rub, that for this amount of time,
there's the unblinking eye, the why of the lens,
constant, unwavering, intimidating, you find
yourself within the eye of the storm.

(A spur-the-moment response to one of the Group poetic challenges they often have... Guess I had Warhol on the brain.)
Ohhh... I think my sinus/flu remedy just wore off. Not sure if it's just me or if it really is cold in here. Hahaha. I have been dutifully informed that it must be just me. Thunderstorms and chilly rain the past few days, I don't think they've helped much.
On to better news...
Graduation takes place this Thursday. They're having it at the big auditorium here in town. Relatives are already here from Boston, and I've been granted a prime spot to take pictures from. This has been quite a year, though. My daughter admits to having "senioritis" during most of it.. But at least she's on the list, some people didn't even make it on the list. It should be a great night for her, although she's starting to get nervous, worried about tripping up in line and all that. I know she'll do fine.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

It's the change in the weather, I've been feeling it for the past couple of days. Spring flu, I guess, I wanted to call in to work yesterday but didn't. Just trudged through it. Would have been good sleeping weather too, it rained most of the day, but still it was nice when the sun finally came out..
Achy, my whole body, I should call in today, but that's not going to happen.
(Good thing its not the stomach flu, haha.) And last night I went to bed super early, slept all the way through. But I'm still tired, feel like I could use another four hours sleep, that's not gonna happen either.
At work yesterday they had the kickoff of nurses appreciation week. Big whoop. We end up cleaning up more after them than we do the patients; nurses make the most mess.
They also had a special deal in the cafeteria about the new facility they're wanting to build at the central location between here and Lee's Summit. Complete with posters of the new hospital, as designed. It just seems to me they're jumping the gun a bit. They've only just now filed a "certificate of need" and none of this has even been approved yet. Blah, blah, blah.. just want out of that place.
Last week, mandatory meeting, and it was explained how someone, i.e., the EVS general manager, could track our activity from a remote location, via bed tracking, our pagers, and computer. Well that's all fine and well, but this is from someone we haven't even met, I don't even think I've seen him at all. Someone who, to me has the potential to become a corporate slavedriver, as if it hasn't happened already. Total job disatisfaction here, just my opinion.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Lost It

Attempt to construct
colors chosen for
contrast, the mix
between light and
dark, love and
loss, life and

Try again, for
purity, regain what
was just lost here,
never mind the back
button, the
bullocks or the

And I've come to
curse myself again
for not saving the
work before it was
too late, haven't
we all gone through
this self-kicking

Alack, alas, and woe
is me...
Back to the drawing
(key) board.

(What a shame... this post started out as a rant against papparazzi,
but as usual, the dreaded backspace button
reared its ugly head. :(

Sunday, May 09, 2004


You were the one,
and the one
you will always be...
How could I think now
to take another
into my deepest corners
where you have gone,
now that my heart
is taken with you
to a warmer climate?
How could I ever
not dream, reach for you
to hold close, to love,
when those images
haunt me still
even in daylight,
when the heart that's
come to beat for you
breaks so complete
watching you vanish.

Friday, May 07, 2004

I saw this a couple of weeks ago on a Xanga site, I just had to post this while I had the chance.. This is just priceless.

So You want to be a Writer, by Charles Bukowski

so you want to be a writer?
if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

The word for today is... "chocolatemilk"
It would seem to be some kind of inside joke, like teasing someone at work, maybe. Why, something like that could quickly turn into a long-running series of quips and one-liners, sure to cause high fives after each and every one. (hee-hee)

There's an old vacant place not far from work, one of the first ever convenience stores in the area, one of the first to stay open late, years, years ago. When nothing else was open, "I'm going down to the 'Milk Jug' for some smokes... toilet paper... a soda..." whatever. It shut down years ago, and has stood vacant ever since, still has the sign out front.

Good one, if I say so myself, earned me high fives all the way around the table.
"Hey did you see the news last night? They're trying to revamp the area, open new stuff around here finally. They're gonna reopen the Milk Jug, but this time they're calling it the 'Chocolate Milk Jug."

Aww, Billy, you know we're just kidding.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

I'm up early again this morning, browsing the sites and listening to the radio. It's gonna be a long day, and I'm gonna hate it. These late days just kill me. But for now I'm waiting for some of my favorites to spin on the Buzz. ... How much coffee will it take to get through the day?

I took an AQ quiz last night, scored a 9. I guess that's a good thing. Lol.
I also found out my elven name (from a Hobitt site) is Anarane Nolatari.
Boredom has its rewards, I suppose.

For the past few days, I've been in a major rut. Very low. I just feel kind of lost right now, can't relate the way I need to. Can't connect... and what's the reason for that? Static? Interference? Weak signal? Who knows. Distance maybe. Am I losing what little connection I had? I feel like I'm losing my best friend.

Just get this day over with.

Sunday, May 02, 2004


This tree has the perfect shade
of royalty in its living
and breathing.
I'd wish for it to last,
snap a picture to capture
part of the real life
third dimension, ten-fold.

Would anyone passing now,
this early on Sunday morning
know exactly, how it takes
one hundred and seventy-five
steps from the foot
of the bridge
to reach this point?

(Take the picture)

And what if you did actually
lay down among the green
and silver tonight, pretend
for a moment and recall
easier times? What if?
Could you rest deeper then,
enough to face the next day
with a heart less heavy?

(Just take the picture)

Ok, it went something like this...

"You have incredible images going on but in stanza 2, and lines 2, 3, and 4, you could have replaced 'what you wrote' with 'some word or phrase of my choice' and in stanza 4, lines 1 and 2, you already stated 'this' when I would have put, 'blah, blah, blah'...

I kept thinking, what is she gonna tell him next? Maybe something like "Here's what you should do. Print out your poem, send it to me via U.S. post, but before you put it in the envelope, hold it out in front of you and tear it in half, then tear again until you have 50 pieces of paper. And I'll rewrite the whole thing myself."

Makes about as much sense as the mud offered before, ha. And all this after seeing three separate acts of cruelty from the same person.

So.. there goes my morning vent.. we'll see what happens later.