Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Sunday, December 28, 2003


He gives me science and drama
and I'm wide awake, I've opened
my eyes enough to see what risk
and pitfall there may be when any
downside uncovers chance better
than this lonely desolation,
and this haunting.
I am not running away.
I'm not sleeping,
wide awake, I am listening,
taking it all in...
He gives me caution,
he gives me time
enough to think, he keeps
my feet grounded in the
reality of choice
and destination.
He gives me science and drama
when I can only give back
these token moon and stars.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Well, Christmas has come and gone... and I guess some of us were more ready for it than others. Haha.. hmm... some gifts were late and I really feel bad about that, but eventually the recipients got what they wanted, which is good. Better late than never, huh? Now its time to think about the past year and prepare to face the new one.
I don't know whether its from working through Christmas or what, or any number of things. Emotions all over the place, but still mostly kept to myself. What is wrong with me, I'm pretty sure I know the reason. And I just keep thinking of how some people are just as sure that they are something like an island unto themselves, needing no one. Somewhat difficult to understand, one thing I do understand though is there can be no changing the way I feel. I've been totally honest, and trying to keep my eyes wide open in certain things, I am still under his spell.

Monday, December 22, 2003

It's raining tonight... Just wonder how the weather's gonna be in a few days. Will there be a "White Christmas? We shall see...
A little stretch up ahead for the next two weeks, filling in for someone on vacation. But I don't mind a bit, I was telling them at work when they noticed the schedule. It just means overtime, which translates very well on the next check. :)
I'm still doing the cookie thing, I'm supposed to make some tonight, too. I think this is gonna end up being the most I've done with that since, well since I was in Fresno. Like I said, it's about time I got back into the swing of Christmas, and I'm really enjoying it. Later on I'm to help my daughter Laura wrap presents when she comes by after work. So anyway, I'd better get started with those cookies, break out the cutters and the cookie press, mwahahahaha! Lol, I guess the holidays are affecting me a little strange this year. Later, people. Take care.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Christmas is less than a week away now, I've done most of my shopping, baked cookies for friends and for parties at work. I'm hoping I might have some free time to catch a good Christmas movie on tv. Something like A Christmas Story, or Its a Wonderful Life. I think I still have the tape of A Christmas Carol, the one with Patrick Stewart. That was a good version, I really like that one. Also I haven't had much chance to listen to the right music for this time of year. Mostly my kids say that its pretty lame, so they pop in a FedUp cd instead. Aaaaaack! Ok, I like FedUp and all but give it a rest for about 20 or 30 minutes, this is Christmas. Lol.
My daughter's grandparents are in from Boston, they came by for a bit yesterday. Very nice people. But I see so much of a gap between them and my daughter. I think I'm in a place where I can see both sides, where my daughter doesn't understand, and gets frustrated with them. Maybe its all that time working with the elderly, in the past... I'm just more used to it, and can understand a bit more.
Anyway, I think I have some more last minute stuff to do... will post more later. Take care, everybody.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Christmas Candles

Tonight I want to light them all.
One for the honorable homesick
yet serving tours of duty,
the ones who still live and breathe.
Light one for the casualties gone
and for those yet to cme.
Another candle for the smallest
and most helpless discarded even now
to be rescued by random strangers.
Let the strangers light them one by one.
Put match to wick for Precious Doe
and all those like her, let the flame burn
till molesters, abusers, killers,
butchers are punished.
Provide the warmth of such a flame
for the family pet tethered in the
snow with no food and a bowl
of ice to drink.
Add one to dispel the reunion squabbles
and stress that comes from forgetting
the spirit of compassion and the
reason for this day.

What happens to the voice, your space,
the place you cut out, settled into
so well when changed perspective
is an opportunity, when you animate
the figures, figments of imagination.
Would a spoken path ever be regained
after laryngitis clears away its hold.
Would it ever be the same...
Just not the same.
What then. Where could you go
from there?

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Yes Virginia... Grandma Ginney. Christmas songs can make you cry... Happy Christmas (War Is Over)... Bing Crosby and David Bowie's version of Little Drummer Boy... And without meaning to, the people closest to you can make you cry, the ones you love the most. Not necessarily a bad thing, just the fact that when they unexpectedly show such appreciation for the intangibles you've given, it hits full force... What's wrong with me, I'm such a wimp today.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Sometimes I browse the internet early in the morning before work... sometimes, like this morning, I have a little more time to think about what I find.. I read vague poems with hidden meanings, and I'm always wondering if I had anything at all to do with them, if I entered into thoughts like those even for just a millisecond. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if that were true...

...Christmas is on us all again. I've got my tree up, lights strung, and decorated by way of Jason and Laura a few weeks ago... The highlight of their time these days is a local punk band, Fed*Up. Laura of course is their "Unofficial" photographer, for the times they perform locally, and she's really trying to promote, with flyers and such. Hopefully, they'll use her photos on some upcoming projects and she can get her name out there as a good photographer. Ideally they'll credit her by listing her name, and maybe even monetary compensation beyond just credits.

...I'll be working on Christmas, but I don't really mind. I was off Thanksgiving which was a real surprise to me, I'm used to working the holidays. After all, nursing homes and hospitals never close.. Haha, they may shut down but they never close! Sodexo is gone from the system and the new staffing comany put in place by HCA, Compass, will be in full effect in January. Our Sodexo GM will be replaced. And in the hospital dietary dept. Compass will be replacing at least two of the supervisors. I'm not sure about the sound of all this, I never was... The update that took place last week really skirted around the question of hiring more help for both dietary and housekeeping departments, so that's still up in he air. The general opinion is that they won't and as more people leave for better positions, they might not fill the slots here that are left, increasing the workload for the rest of us. We'll see...

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Weather Weak

Knowing, just knowing
how the outside can reach
all the way to the core
with chilled fingers.
But then, see what he does,
how he stirs me again and again.
And how he steadies me
before the point of balance nearly lost.
And now, listening to the sound
of frozen pellets at the screens,
coating the streets, branches of trees
in dangerous magical images
for early morning. But tonight,
need is friction for the initial spark
then for the fire of seduction.
Play in this room from the coldness
with tantalizing darts from your tongue
through a kiss. Electric is your touch
warming me to receive, hypnotic the sound
of your voice, moving me to respond to you
as you respond to me.
Perfect Shot

Look above, over
the right shoulder this time.
Following, its following,
up there through the trees,
through leafless branches
reaching to the sky.
Suspended, illuminating
the entire perspective
when you glance back,
when you turn to face it.
Again, if I just had
the lens this time,
worked in just the right
exposure, I swear
I'd shoot the moon for you.

Saturday, December 06, 2003


Someday I will take and hang
my pictures on walls of memory
for you to call up those dreams
at will, when visions are of
such gifts.
Someday I will read to you
sonnets of Shakespeare so that
the reminders of tragedy need
only to remain in the past,
a reminder that what I offer
asks nothing in return, of how
love gently surrounds you
and is lasting.
And here, hoping beyond hope
for the day you look toward
sunlight and find the happiness
that was lost in darkened rooms
so long ago, for the someday
I will sing to you all the love
songs you need to hear.
Too much drama lately, things changing for the worst maybe for some people. Just when you think someone hads the chance to make something of themselves, have a good education, become what they want to be, and eventually have a career in what they love doing, someone else contributes to the constant stress they have always been responsible for, and all it's equal to is "the one straw that broke the camel's back" It's a very long story and I won't go into detail. But now, everything might just go right down the tubes. Brooks, the education. And for what? Some trivial little "I was left out of the decision" that involves one small step further towards independence. Now there's talk of changing all those plans... I feel so bad just to see that. I can't understand all the constant nit-picking in the first place. It just seemed to have added up and now, who knows?

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Have a Nice Day

He's baack...
And now he's taking names,
kickin' it all along the firing spree.
This is not a test... test, test. Gone.
Freakazoid-a-palooza, gone bye-bye as well.
No Resistance now among those giving
Kansas City a bad name.
Paraphrased with the "Oops I did it" and
now it's deja vu all over again.
Legendary with the power of a justifiable
contract, allowing full access,
the almighty final say.
Dispensed comings and goings, although
well scripted to fit the format,
to fit the rumors,
all expectations of the masses.
So easy to predict and outcome and there is
no challenge to second guess the next event,
the lost composure of the close-ups and centered
or the exact words out of his mouth
only seconds before they're spoken.
No challenge there, yet such a popular choice,
makes it that much more worthwhile
and no less entertaining.

(Deep thoughts about professional wrestling? How bizarre.)

Friday, November 28, 2003

Just a Touch

I would beg you
to come in
from the cold
where its warm,
cozy, a place full
of feeling.
There is such
longing here.

I would reach for you
come to you, feel you,
and with closed eyes,
held breath, a kiss so
slow my time is suspended
and time means nothing
with you having the ability
to stop my heart, beginning
again with just a touch.
With just a touch, everything
is alright again.
Dinner At the Hatfields

I am thankful for living life
and to have a little more
than before at this time,
and years past.
Thankful today that I'm
not on that return flight
to the west
where there was no dinner,
only a quick run to convenience
for a six-pack that couldn't
see me and CNN news that
left me numb.
I called it the year of death,
St. Ginney, Diana, Mother Teresa.
Lucky this year for some
return to tradition.
But on this very day, there are
still arguments in the Ozarks,
one of my own caught in the
crossfire of harsh words,
such as they might be.
Hysterical rants turned to
hurt feelings and snubs,
never supposed to be like this.
I can't even feel sorry for
the thankless anymore.
Just wish you could have
stayed home and had fun
with real family.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

I'm hoping everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving holiday. I know I will be doing some cooking today, provided the turkey thaws out, lol. For me, the holiday is a little better than in previous years. I have the day off today, when so many times before I've had to work, and this time I have the means to actually enjoy something of a traditional Thanksgiving, with a few exceptions. My daughter is visiting step-relatives at Lake of the Ozarks today, so that's one of the down sides. It'll be me and my son, who's gonna help with the cooking.... this should be very interesting, lol. He can be onery sometimes and with a role model like Bam Margera, who knows what could happen?
Warmest thoughts go out to friends and family, the special people in my life who at the moment are so far away. Take care, and God bless.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Second Nature

The touch of my lips
to the nape of your neck
as you dream, of color,
of light and dark.
And phrases, glimpses
of your sentiment
float through memory
like puffs of dandelion
in flight, so difficult
to grasp within sleep,
second nature to cherish
in a place where those
thoughts are images
I hold to my heart.

Monday, November 24, 2003

I'm thinking about how different some people and siutations can be... There's a guy at work who's married and has five kids not yet in school. He works 8 hours during the day, then immediately goes to a nearby nursing home and does yet another 8 hours. Every day he does this, because he has to, to support his kids. Two full-time jobs, man. And then you see people who won't even support themselves, leeching off whoever they can, and complaining all the while about how tough it is. People like that have never had a tough day in their life. Like this other lady at work, who's husband was a veteran who served in Korea, made her life hell the whole time they were married. I don't see how she put up with all the verbal and physical abuse for the some seventeen years they were together, she must be a lot stronger person than most of us, I do know that. I guess she stuck it out till the end though, till he was diagnosed with major health problems and passed away. This lady always has a funny story to tell about those years, but this time there was some heavy stuff mixed in. Nobody had any idea it was that bad. Its the kind of stuff that makes you appreciate and respect a person more than before. Always pleasant to everyone, loves to talk, she'd talk your ear off if you'd let her. And then at lunch one day she adds these bits of seriousness to those funny stories. And you're left thinking, wow - would never have known. I don't know, just rambling on, myself, here. And on, and on....
More later, I guess.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Snap Case

Having stolen the right to even
continue here, having stolen time,
stealing provision, never lift
a finger but to cause more trouble.
You are much too close
to the holidays and memories
of death to assume
forgiveness for this now.
Worse than the vandal
going after family
having missed his target
and taking out pictures
on the wall. Now there is
broken glass at your feet,
deep gash in your knuckles
that you can tend to yourself.
Don't ask if I care how deep
it is, and no, I don't want
to see how it reaches
all the way to the bone.
Did this damage to yourself,
your own worst enemy now,
mine too, with your destruction
of property. Just don't drip
any more on my carpet.
Unserious Angst

All present and accounted for
this one night, all three of them
together for the last time,
hammering out chords, discordant
rythms, jumpin' the air, landing
flatfooted. Chaos on a wooden platform.
There's moshing down below the stage
in this church for Christian punks,
and as the intro nears completion
they regain balance, their places, the
bass player with mic privileges for
this one, opens his mouth to sing
and screams,
"Why must you have
a hamburger
with cheese,
and lettuce, onions and
mayonaise, and pickles?
Why..... Whyyee?"

Friday, November 21, 2003

Dreams Come True

Like air to breathe
in deep, fulfilling
like water to drink,
the ocean to swim
in summer.
Like being surrounded
by fog in winter
magical as fresh
snowfall throughout
Like coming home
to your arms,
to see everything
in your eyes.
Like coming home.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Muse of Change

A view this cloudy
makes you wonder on
the why of reason
that leaves to become
grounded in tasks
of the too immediate,
insistant as
beeper interruptions.
So much here and
too little time.
Giving me back
the muse of change
to let the images come,
I'm praying for it now.
Take the blinders
off my eyes so I can
finally see you.
A much smaller map
is what I need most,
so many miles apart,
so far away, and yet
you teach me no despair,
whisk it away
with hugs and kisses.

Sunday, November 16, 2003


It was the first thing to notice,
stopping halfway down these
steel steps. Early hours silent,
moon directly overhead, a little
to the left along the way.
It was complete with haze
surrounding, ethereal in light
and reflection.
While I dreamed the fog returned
and now swirls around me,
through me. And on the way,
I watched as it surfed the air,
played hide and seek with
form and shape, casting spells,
tricks with my vision
as if the mist here, midpoint
at the streetlight was
trying its best to become
something material.

Friday, November 14, 2003

So much overtime, so little time for anything else. It kinda seems that way, lately. But working straight through so many day translates very well on a paycheck. Someone got hurt at work, which is why I've been filling in for her all this time. People, people, watch out for those ramps and those heavy carts going down them, and for people stepping out in front of you... Well you know its like trying to stop a train, it just can't be done. And watch out for those busted wheels, too. I know quite a few people who have gotten hurt on the job recently.
Local bands... Fed Up from here in the KC metro area has a cd release party and concert tonight. This is the band that's currently in the midst of getting signed. Congratulations to Dustinn, Matt, Justin and their new member, Josh. Rock on with your bad selves, lol. I would have gone along with Laura and Jason, but they'll be late getting back and I have to work in the morning. Plugging away till the 21st, my next day off. Maybe then I'll have time to get some things done, like get my long lost acoustic restrung, work on some more writing, nurse this cold, hahaha.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Sometimes karma works and sometimes it doesn't. There's a lady at work who's just lost her father, he'd been in intensive care for about a week and a half, and all during that time she'd taken time off to be with him. Well, when they moved him to another floor, I figured he was at least out of danger. But today another lady at work came up to me and told me that she was taking up a collection for her, that her dad died last night. And here I thought he was in the clear when they moved him, but then she's telling me they moved him to that floor to die, that there was nothing else they could do for him. I really had no idea. Or maybe I did and just subconsciously distance myself from things like that. I mean, after the last time, when that kid was in ICU. It still comes as a shock when somebody comes right out and says it. Well, I told her I'd contribute. Very sad outcome.
On the other side of the coin, and now very small consolation, is what I mean when I say karma works. I found out today that someone I've known for years to be a very evil person, has had a run of bad luck. I won't go into much detail but the person is an alcoholic and has done some very mean spirited things to others in his family, his whole life.
And here you've got two people that were probably the most complete opposites, in terms of characte. That old man was probably the nicest person, never did anything bad to anyone. I'm really not sure where I'm going with this, except maybe to say maybe now I feel guilty for having sensed some small justice being done from this one other guy's run of bad luck. Just something that struck me kinda weird and hopefully I'll make more sense out of it now that I've gotten it off my chest.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Slow Illuminatation

There are still shadows within him
that distant light has yet to reach.
Not yet the spark of opportunity
to grind the depths of reason as
we move through, move forward
to a full circle of seasons.
When he feels, enough to speak it
to me profound, its the loving
in the dark, dreaming to the sound
of his breathing, such the need is
to know the deepest parts of him,
limitless well of a man, with this
wealth of hidden insight, from
the basis of everything meaningful
he has become, to the awful ache
of emptiness only he can fill, he
touches me like no other has, how
he can always turn me to light,
alive, time and again.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

There must be a Chief's game televised today. I can tell from the neighber downstairs. He invites friends over for the game, and today they've already started to gather for the "celebration" ... I hear the team is doing very well, and although I'm not a rabid fan, I'm surrounded by them at work, so its impossible not to hear how good they are doing. Personally I'd rather see a good Wizards game, now that's something I can really get into, but I'm having a hard time keeping up with them. I usually get all set to watch something... and then fall asleep. I hate when that happens, hahaha. Too much overtime, I guess. Anyway, I suppose there will be much cheering going on. Its funny, the mood of an entire town can depend on a sports event. Its kind of sad really, especially when the team loses, and everyone's kinda bitchy at work the next day. This lady Ginger, at work feels the same way I do about it. She says something like, "I really hope they win, cause I don't wanna deal with everybody's foul mood if they lose."

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Well I'm back online after what seems like a long absence due to a
severe lack of an ISP. Lol... Been working a lot of overtime the past
two weeks, filling in for someone who got hurt on the job, and am I
ever glad I'm getting tomorrow off. Anyway the overtime on the check
will certainly be put to good use.
Well, my time on the internet is limited this morning, just never
seems to be enough time, lately, because I gotta go get ready for
work. Be careful out there people, it can be dangerous.
"It's a wicked world that we live in" - Gorillaz

Thursday, November 06, 2003

The Long Gray

It's a thin line extending centimeters
beyond all the branches iced over
way back when, in remembrance
of the frozen-solid November world
present six winters ago.
New shades of Tule fog settles
in halfway cross country from
both sides, from the east, west.
Now from the San Joaquin, hovered
low and close enough, becoming
ground cover to move through.
You can feel it, you can hear it
through the sound of a train
that alone in the early morning can
fill the air with sorrow.
Perspective is to the first bare tree,
naked branches a skeletal exotic, even
in the essence of dormant structure.
Time now for tracing of the
unfamiliar, this will be uncharted
territory once again, as a one time
to be certain, vaguely hitting some
memory as the nerve of memory proves
always some bearing in the here and now
coming ever from someplace known
and out of nowhere,

Monday, October 27, 2003

In this week before Halloween, I'd like to address all you pet owners out there to pay close attention to the safety of your pet. This is especially true if you own a cat, since there are some very cruel people out there, who may harm pets for sport, around this time of year. Please keep your cats inside these days leading up to Halloween, and it may be a good idea to do so a few days after as well. And as always, never give your pets chocolate, much as they seem to beg for it when its around, there's a chemical in chocolate that is very toxic to dogs and cats as well. Just a friendly reminder, in hopes for a safe and happy Halloween. :)
Oiche Shamna

Rain or shine, I will be there
running through the scavenger hunt,
right after I finish "Old Yeller"
But for now I'm facing half in,
half out of the dark.
Wait for me, I will be there.
Imagine tonight that the moon is full,
that there have never been drugs in
candy, no razor blades put to apples.
Go back to a time before Kevin Perry
sat home Halloween night watching
thriller movies the whole time, ate bags
full of Snickers, huffed enough cans of
all purpose cleaner to never again make
it to class. What the hell was he thinking.
Cloudy or clear, I will be there
despite the latest stories of animal sacrifice
the torturing of a stray kitten or someone's
pet. Only God could help the next person I
see to do such a thing.
Rain or shine, rain or shine
I will be there
trying to remember innocence
and failing miserably.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Well, it seems a lot happened at work while I was gone on vacation. All the exiting stuff usually does... All the supervisors at many of the area hospitals, including the one I work for, who are contracted out by Sodexho, were notified that they either will be gone for sure, or gone pending further notice... Talk about stress. I would hate to be in that situation. But then, who knows, those cuts have actually gone to our level before, and they may again. What was that line from Star Wars? "I've got a bad feeling about this..."
I've been having some temporary trouble with my isp, so for now my time on the internet is limited to the times I can make it up here to the library and use their computers. Hopefully soon that will be taken care of.. So if anyone is wondering why I'm not posting as much or answering my emails like I used to, this is why. Bear with me... Lol
My daughter is in Santa Barbara, checking out the "Dream College" Brooks Institute. I think her exact words when she called me last night, about the place was, "Wow.....Just Wow. The place is amazing..." I'm really glad she's so impressed, it makes for great motivation, hahaha.

They line the hallway
on both sides
before breakfast and lunch,
when alzheimer's and dementia
trips, turns and runs the loudest.
Some in good moods, a few in
perpetual combative mode, and the
whoops and hollers... "Hey, ho....
God is good, Good is God..."
All with something to say,
even coworkers with warnings
in passing, on the way up,
"Watch your back..."
Lock yourself in the utility room
if you have to, and duck out
the other way.
Beware the silent well-meaning
bear hugs from out of nowhere,
the ones you feel compelled to
notify with "a little help here, please."
For now its just a little comic relief,
but in a place like this there's never
enough comic relief to go around,
when it all turns serious, heart-wrenching.
After lunch, dining room duty
wiping down tables, listening, listening.
In the corner she sits crying, begging
to use the phone, call her husband
who's been gone these twenty years.
Outside in the alcove, old man
mutters from his wheelchair
to himself, to anyone within earshot,
"help me... someone please help me."
All a different pitch of monotone,
and at the end of my shift
as I stand at the exit, ready
to punch the new code on the
keypad, from behind me
another voice is added
to the symphony, a thin wail
of "I'm so tired.. I want out
of this world."

Friday, October 24, 2003

Indian Summer

Enjoy it while you can
this unseasonable warmth
won't last long.
And in the morning,
if you take out early enough
when the quiet and calm are
still in control, before stars and
moon have released their
sentinel grip to the new day.
You can feel the power of time
and patience, how much wisdom
there is in the waiting,
and the following,
and the learning.
I look up and he's grinning again
reflecting light back toward some
collective source, having returned,
that was sent unconscious
through the ages
by those in love.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Dreaming Volumes

How long can this distance
haunt my sleep,
this dreaming of you,
to you, with you.
And each night all
that we have,
all that we speak,
though not actually
speaking... volumes
of need, with meaning
through distance
through night.
I look at your hair,
knowing how my fingers
want to become entangled
there within.
The look on your face,
the knowing in your eyes
from where I stand.
And we dream volumes.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

My vacation is nearly over, I go back to work tomorrow. For some strange reason, I feel like I'm ready to go back. Just for the sake of getting on with things. I even think some people have already started getting used to me not being there, since at least one of my co-workers seems to have forgotten my name. How quickly forgotten, hahaha!
Really have enjoyed this time off though, and if I didn't exactly get everything done I wanted to accomplish, at least I got things going in the right direction, I hope. There's still a lot of direction to go, I've sent applications and resumes to quite a few places. Now the hardest thing is the waiting for a response. Well, I'm hoping for the best.
I'm looking forward to the Def Poetry Jam tour coming here next month on the 11th, I was really excited to hear about that. That is still one of my favorites, one that I never miss when its on tv, or try not to miss. So I'll be going to that, for sure. But I have yet to find out where its to be held at. I hope they find a venue before the 11th. I would hate to think they'd take KC off the schedule. Nah, they wouldn't do that, would they?
I think that's about it for now. Until next time.

Friday, October 17, 2003


I don't live and die
by a flashing sword
like the pixilated
wielder of a photon
weapon in the dark,
through all hours
of the night, level
set to full, virtual
shots of some fantasy
invading dreams while
I sleep. I choose no
technologically advanced
mass role playing graphics.
None at all, with exception
for that of a purist,
stills caught through
reflection in patience and
lighting, moments in time
to find some essence of
a muse, God only knows.
I am able, willing, more
than ready to take it all
back, my life, and get on
with living a real one.
How Sentimental

It's unreasonable
the rain tonight, at
forty degrees and falling
fast, slightly out of sync
with the rest of the world.
And thoughts of winter
or Tule fog settling in
and on again turning to
the lonliness of holidays.
Only hours ago there was
perfection in a yard
crisp in color and texture,
bright in a lens,
would have made
such a shot,
a small memory turned
tangible that I could
hold in my hands, smile
in the brief moment
that was my own and private
and all the while, this same
moment spawns the burning
behind the eyes, a feeling
that wants so desparately
to share.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

From the Top

Wide awake I'm
blindsided and rolled
by gravel like being
caught in the inner
workings of a top.
It rolled from the edge,
road to ditch to grass
turning forever in slo-mo.
Fore the only point
connected to anything at all,
aft waving wild at the
witness already sprinting
down towards them, cause
he saw as they streaked by
Damn that's just
way too fast,
saw and took immediate
pro-active cordless stance
from his front yard
in Odessa.

She calls at 12:15
in the a.m.
Before I say anything else,
I'm alright.

Monday, October 13, 2003


When this empty cloud
drifts too close
in and around
visions I've tried to
bring to life, and when
vague intangibles,
having taken the image
shapes of dreams within
patches of moonlight,
there's longing turned
to hope.
We are far less alone
finding laughter in life
and loving it all.
I've traveled this far
venturing so close
I could almost
feel you now.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

It's been a great vacation so far. I've gotten a lot of things done that I couldn't have done otherwise. Things like going to the library whenever I want, getting a little more organized around the place, and some Halloween decorating, a little that is... I've been able to be more relaxed while writing, and I'm really enjoying that. Plus I've been able to get my resume together and printed out the way it should be, and sending it by fax to some different places. Now comes the hardest part - the waiting. I really do hope that I hear from some of those places at least by the end of next week, before my vacation ends so I can look forward to some sort of goal and not be stuck in the same place, literally or figuratively.
I heard also from my friend out in California, it looks like I'm gonna be getting my acoustic guitar back pretty soon. I need to get new strings... But this is good.. :)
My daughter is planning a visit to check out the college in a few weeks, she's really hopeful about ths one. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it really does all work out.
Well I figure I have a week left to enjoy, do some really creative things, and all before I go back to work on the 19th. Oh and before I forget, the score is currently Kansas City-1, Los Angeles-0.....
Go Wizards! Take care people.
Identity Crisis

Haven't been myself lately
and today I may even be
somebody else, and float
the corridors...
But for now I take a cup
of instant to jump-start
the day. An aural dose of
Thrice and Fed*Up, one more
cup to last long enough to
get me there under the clock.
Schedule says I'm Martha today
so down the stairs I go, to
flip the light, undo padlock
pull links from a cart chained up
for when vendors descend in
dead of night, another mysterious
short order, and supplies disappear.
Such an infamous sleight-of-hand.
Guess tomorrow I'll be Sue,
floors three and five,
all week a different personality.
B1, 2, 4 East, West, North,
all points inbetween, and tell them
"That is correct, sir" I am
everywhere, everyday. Another day
collecting another fifty cents.
(must have been inflation in reverse)

Friday, October 10, 2003

Net Worth

My Clan map of Scotland,
Rampant Lion on the wall,
near the corner, and next
to it, sun solstice wind chimes.
Collections of all things
Celtic, photos, books and
mementos useless to anyone
but myself.
Tiny cat plates and figures,
candles, gifts and possessions
of those here and gone
too soon. I know
what this is like.
And right there, you can
see it all when you enter.
The rosary I searched months
for, rescued from an alcoholic
haze-meister who would have
sold it as well, just for spite.
Or the greeting card I sent
years ago and found, kept after
all this time, the one with
"An Irish Blessing"
It's all there, a full-eye view
of what's always been the
most important parts of the past.
You can see it when you enter.
Second Sight

What was left behind
in Shawns eyes
became a gift,
some better quality
of life than before,
some absolute ability
for one, or two
What was left behind
becomes the gift through
modern miracle, science
and donorship, and wisdom
via the bigger scene,
the larger scope
of things to come.
All this from such a terrible
sacrifice no parent
should ever have to make.
What was left behind of
Shawn became second sight.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

First, a moment of silence and prayer for the friends and family of Frank Whittlesy, an 83-year-old man who was tragically struck and killed by oncoming traffic while leaving the supermarket Monday evening.
(story found at examiner.net)

Just as I was on my way out the door yesterday, a friend who lives out in Liberty came by needing help with moving stuff into the basement. They have been doing some finishing touches on their house (which is only about a year old). Right now they're hiring people to finish the basement. Well it seems Home Depot delivered all the drywall early and left it on the front lawn. And since the workers hadn't had a chance to get there yet, and it was scheduled to rain, she was rounding up as many people as she could find to move all that stuff around to the basement. So it was me, my son, some other guy and her, all trying to move these 8-ft, 10-ft. and 12-ft. pieces of drywall. Hahahaha. Me and her handled about 6 or 7 of the 8-ft. pieces from the stack before the workers showed up. And I just learned something. I can't lift worth ca-ca. Did it but had a lot of trouble... a lot different from what I'm used to at work, with the linen carts. So this morning I woke up all sore. Anyway, after that we both went in and help her mother paint the kitchen. It really looks good, a kind of muted red color, really fits the interior. Even before a second coat it looks good. Took up the rest of my day, but it was good to help some.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Well, I was off these past two days, go back to work tomorrow, and then, and then....
I don't go back till the 19th. Gives me plenty of time to look for something else, somewhere else.
I hope the search yields something decent. I've already sent my resume to a couple of places, online.My daughter finally found a job at Krispy Kreme. And hmmm... she makes more per hour than I do. Well I guess that's one more reason to look elsewhere, the hospital doesn't pay its housekeepers enough.
Well I'm really glad though that she's been able to save up for a good digital camera she's going to be using for school, and beyond that, for what she's choosing as a career. She'll be visiting Brooks sometime later this month. I hope she likes it.
At this moment, the Wizards are tied with Colorado 2-2 in tonights game. Soccer, much better than football, baseball: the Chief and Royals. You can really tell around here when the Chiefs are winning a game, and also when they're losing. There's some pretty angry people then, they just take it too personally. I mean it's one thing to say, "we won" cause you relate so to the team. But it's really stupid the way some folks take it as a personal insult if their favorite player happens to fumble the ball. That's why I could care less about the NFL. There are just too many hardcore fanatics. Don't get me started about the Superbowl, hahaha. Oh I'll watch, but not for the game, it's for the ads. That tradition goes all the way back when the marketing class was given an exercise to time each commercial and then calculate how much each national buyer of airtime spent during the game. And I've been watching for the ads ever since...

Well "We Won!" (the Wizards) KC 4, CO 2 Final score... See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Take care people.
The Only Thing That Matters

I'll meet you in the pouring rain.
We'll brave the elements, wind
and thunder, we'll match our
electricity with that of the skies,
when lips and tongues meet, searching,
needful, mindful, tender,
such an urgent response.
I'll meet you in the pouring rain
we'll be soaked through coats,
clothes, to the skin, the chill
so bitter the only thing that matters
is the warmth of us, the feel of your
body held close. The only thing that
matters is the deep, hypnotic
power of your kiss.
And now I find myself
falling into feeling, into surrender,
into weakness, in too deep
into the intensity I've never felt.
I'll meet you in the pouring rain
where the only thing that matters
is you.

Friday, October 03, 2003


When we are solid, strong, together,
secure in the knowledge of each other.
Loving, content after passion
renders senseless the body, spends
energy, leaves sleepy warm smiles
and murmurs of "Goodnight, sweet
dreams my passionate man..."
I can struggle with wakefulness
a few moments longer, just to
hear your breathing as you fall asleep.
S.S. Victim Rant

Payday. I passed the address
today by accident on the way
to the bank. And now the whole
scene reeks of deja vu
all over again.
The house where it happened.
Small stuffed animals circle
the tree, just like the papers
said, tall candles line the curb
just beyond. Vigils are ongoing
until the killer
is caught.
And I (hate this)
had no idea this was
so close, because I am so
tired, hearing of killings,
the stabbings, deaths of
people I've known from
years ago.
This is supposed to be
the "heartland of America"
at least that's what the
journalists have always called it,
but only the heartless will survive
here eventually, they're too busy
wasting life here, they spew hate here,
call themselves good ole' boys, realists,
hunters and survivalists, NRA spokespersons
and gun enthusiasts. Not a one wants the
ounce of realization it takes to see that
they're living a Springer episode, how base
they want to exist, how little they want
to know.
Another triangle where he beats up pregnant
girlfriend, like a fool she takes him back
time and again. Now he's a murderer, both
having run off to parts unknown, leaving
behind death. I knew the victim.
I always know the victim, more and more,
too often these days.

Writer's Block

I gotta story to tell,
a million of them.
I need to write, need to write
but life, survival, obstacles
block the way, that linear
line of thought, that which
inspires, although if a thought
were to come across to others
now, it would be a convoluted
tapestry of impenetrable meaning.
And I can imagine, like years ago
comments like "where the hell did
that come from?" or "it's dark, like
Plath" and never having read Plath,
much. But still - I need to write
a poem, let the answers come on
the breeze, on the winds of change,
on the turn of seasons. Let the heart
and gut instinct change my life for the
better, God knows it needs changing.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

There have been so many complaints from the people I work with about how we're being treated, about the new time schedules, about how things are being run in general, etc.. I don't understand this: They laid off those three people, Dennis included, and the reason was... "budget"... There are plans to shut down this hospital, MCI, and Lee's Summit Hospital within the next couple of years, yet the powers that be are spending so much money on cosmetic stuff, like redoing the circle drive at the entrance. It looks better but really didn't need to be done. And all the extra painting done on the outside by independent contractors, that's gotta cost. So what's really up with the "budget"? They'd rather beautify the place on the outside, than keep staff on the books that keep it clean on the inside. Grrr...
I still say that was low the way they did those layoffs. I haven't heard from Dennis lately, think I'll call, find out if he's found something. He told me the (general manager) said MCI was hiring floor techs but Dennis don't have a car, and the busses don't run that early. His answer was, " "Bus service has improved greatly in the past couple of years." Uh. No, it hasn't. It was ok when living right down the street from work, but MCI is all the way across town. Yeah, I'll call up and say, ".... Hey you..." lol.
And I sure hope there's not another day like yesterday at work. Had to go in at 8, which is too late t start in my opinion. You feel like you're behind all day long. I lost my keys, had to go through the trash looking for them, weren't there. checked everywhere. Dealt with snotty nurses, I'm doing my job, but I'm always in their way. Everybody's having to come in at a different time now, plus take their lunches at different times. There was nobody out there when I took lunch. Randy says they're trying to split us all up, and I'd have to agree.
Well today has to be a better day, so I'm gonna go ahead and get ready for it... "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it..." (Colin Quinn, SNL)

Saturday, September 27, 2003


If it has a good beat,
you can dance to it...

Not too likely but more
the intricate cadence
of complete sound with
that almighty pull, drawn
into the rythm, you know
it's got to be the rythm that
gets to you, when it's good
and creating its own friction,
heat. Its that vibration
having been built from the
ground up, like campfires
on the beach, like passion
you can feel all the way
from where you stand,
when the only thing in
comparable opposition
to stir the spirit is the
haunting sound of pipes.

Friday, September 26, 2003

I just got notice today of one of the many changes currently taking place at work. Starting on the 29th, the people working in each area will have a different time schedule. It's gonna affect me all the way around because I'm a relief person and in a different area every day.
5 East: 6-2:30
5 West: 7-3:30
5 Middle: 8-4:30
4 East: 7-3:30
3 East: 6-2:30
ICU: 8-4:30

That's really gonna suck, coming in at 8:00 and not getting off till 4:30. Not only that, the lunch break times are gonna be different as well, so that means they're splitting us up at lunch. Maybe that'll cut down on employee complaints against the corporation. Well you know, anything to further the cause would be in our own best interest. Yeah.
Risk Worth Taking

I roam the hallways,
the visiting spirit confronting
an unknown past when the past
hides itself so effective,
unattainable to find meaning
from complex shadows,
foremost in my mind,
what was this damage done,
and why?
I know that your fear
becomes my fear metamorphosed,
that I am afraid of your absence
And that I can no longer ignore
this emptiness, such the awful
ache deep inside, for you.
And when I know I can still
burn away the chill of this autumn
And when those struggles continue
so far away, yet strike so close
to home, touching exposed nerve,
feeding fear, danger of loss,
losing love, the past is again
immediate, here to steal away
the hope I offer you.
And when I'm always dreaming
the safety of you, know that I'll
never be ready to let it take away
any more of you from you, from me.
So remember, my love, that its always
the risk worth taking.

September 26, 2003

Thursday, September 25, 2003

In one of the rooms I was cleaning yesterday, a car accident victim who said he was finally going home the next day. We got to talking, he was telling me how he totaled out his car last Friday, even showed me pictures of the wrecked car. My God, you know he was so lucky to walk away from that. Believe me there are people in less damaging wrecks who don't make it, I know. He's a young kid, just graduated high school last year. Told me that this particular time he had his seat belt on, when he doesn't usually wear one, and couldn't explain why or the reason he chose to buckle up. Man... I told him it just sounded like someone was definitely looking out for him that night, he is extremely lucky. I just can't help but think of Shawn when I see stuff like this.

There's a lady at work who's always bringing cakes for birthdays and such. She says she can't sleep a lot of times at night so she's always up at 3 in the morning baking a cake or cookies. Then she'll carry it to the bus stop, catch the bus to the Square, then walk from the Square to the hospital. Imagine having to lug those things around every time like that, sometimes she'll bring more than one when two birthdays hit in the same week. Little bitty thing too, not even 5 feet, weighs like 80 something. And here she's pushing these big carts around at work, don't know how she does it. Anyway, she bakes all these cakes, but never one for herself, she's diabetic. We all ought to find out when her birthday is and do somthing special, I mean after all, she's the one all the time thinking of everybody else. I remember when it was my birthday she asked me what kind of cake I wanted and I said "coconut" and I figured it would be like a mix with some cocunut added, or even just in the icing. But here she brings this 3-layer cake and says she made it from scratch. Wow... so we really need to do something really nice for her... It kinda bothers me some people complain about how she's so "grouchy" a lot of times, and I'm sorry, I just don't see it. She's just talking, everyday conversation, nothing grouchy about that.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Equal Parts

In the morning, still dark
and cool, there's moisture
in the air, and looking up,
there's the Cheshire cat moon
guarding his share, his equal
part of the day, playing
peek-a-boo through the clouds
and lightning strikes, like the
one that hit the building early
on, setting off fire alarms of
unknown origin on every floor.

(Fade out, then fade back in)

I gaze at all this through
the entrance, slowly close
the door and wait for the
perfect time this afternoon
for while you sit, I straddle
your lap, armed with a spoon
and a bowl of rocky road,
feed you fun, slow, sensual,
teasing sweet.
And there we are, face to face...

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Last night marked the last show for Without Incident. Jeremy, their bass player is moving out of state and it was kind of an emotional night by the end of the evening. Very sad for a lot of people. Well the rest of the band will continue once they get a new bass player but they're retiring the name, which I thought was very touching. A kind of message that says, "once you're gone, it won't be the same so this is our way of telling you we'll miss you."
The show itself was pretty good, held in a church not too far from where I live. There was about six different bands there. It was kind of bizarre, though. Friendly moshing up front, where Riley's drums were stored off to the side for the rest of the show. I kept thinking "geez, they're getting awful close to the equipment, guard it..." But there was no damage. As I watched them it seemed as if they knew the boundaries. I was surprised. That's why I say "friendly" moshing, cause if somebody fell, somebody else would always help them back up. Wow. You don't see that every day. And nobody got mad eiher. So I guess that's how Christian Punk operates. I was pleasantly surprised.
Without Incident did a version of Amazing Grace during their set, and another band did a version of Friday, I'm in Love. ... Sorry, that song just wasn't meant to be punked-out. Just my opinion, haha.
Wish I could remember the name of the last band that played. they were a little older than the rest of them, and the lead guitar had some real intricate bluesy type riffs mixed in with the other stuff. I liked the contrast.

Friday, September 19, 2003

New rumors at work.. Well now its that they're gonna let two more of the housekeepers go. I keep thinking, if a certain someone doesn't keep his mouth shut, and himself out of trouble, they're gonna make him the next to go. Poor guy - sometimes he just pops off stuff without thinking, or maybe the truth is he knows what he's doing, he's just testing people. I also hear of an upcoming meeting that involves an entire department. Major, major changes going on.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Life can be good again.
I can find solace and
comfort from the past,
never go back, never
run away...
Never run away.
I promise.

Monday, September 15, 2003

No Call, No Show

(Payday... Jesse come on)

Here I'm on overtime and
wondering just how long it
should take to cash a check.
Should be here by now
spooning up this stuff so I can
go downstairs for the cart, put
pans in warmers, burned my fingers
on the pilot, damn, these old folks
gotta eat and some get more than
cranky when they gotta wait.

(Jesse come on already)

Something. It might have been the way
or even the reason for a distraction,
the trip-up that cost half the residents
on this floor their banana pudding.

(Something is terribly wrong)

Nah, he should be here helping clean
this mess, I barely have time now
to wrap silverware, bag rolls,
paste up the water, powdered thickener.

(...at least come in time to help serve)

Jesse never showed.

Monsters (Conspiracy of Silence)

Half the crew is
holding their tongues
Knowing all along now
They know, you can
see it in their eyes,
they know.
If there's something you
should say then you damn
well better spill it.
You can start by answering,
Where are they?
Now that they're on the run
now that the deed is over
and its too late now for
Jesse McKinnis.
They know the where, the how,
they know the why. Its like
they've all gone suddenly mute,
but never them in shock.
Never them, 'cause they
knew all along, synchronized time
while the set-up played itself out.
Payday, make it look like
it was for the money.
The same money he was gonna use
to surprise his grandfather, restore
the classic sitting for years
in his garage, but...
Monsters never gave a rat about that,
just hard-core accesories now.
There's a special place
in Hell for the lot of ya.


Home fires in the
Highland hills.
For once I have
new dreams
at summer's end, as
the old becomes
a new hope for the
year to come.
What good is a
dream without
convoluted meaning,
but I sense that the
unknown is a lot
less frightening
when seen
under your light.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

It's been raining quite a bit for the past few days. I wonder if there's gonna be the same kind of mess I walked into the last weekend it rained so hard. I wonder if they know how much I talk about them here on the blog, those folks out in Lee's Summit. I wonder if they still remember me at the Groves. I'm restless today, I wanna do something but I don't know what. Somebody stop me if I say anything about going back to the Groves. Hahaha! Like maybe a PRN position up on third floor or something. Doris tried to get me to do that when I left the first time. And when I went to work at Regional, lo and behold she was there too. Haha, she's everywhere with that voice.... "Well, ya know..." Never mind people, that was an inside joke. I'm just rambling on here. Something, for some reason, made me think about Jesse McKinnis. That was awful. Maybe something I read somewhere just kind of spurred my memory of that whole mess. Jesse never deserved what he got. Never did a bad thing to anybody. I'll write more someday but not now.

It's the rain, its the seasons changing, its decisions made, its freedom again. I hope.

Friday, September 12, 2003

All For This

You've got me now to where
I could beg for the touch
of your hands on my body,
the kiss from your lips,
a nuzzle, urgent, passion felt
above my shoulder, beg for
you to need this much as well.
Only for this, I can almost
taste the scent of you as
you reach for me, ravage me,
move through me, all to
obliterate this awful ache
within that only comes from
being without you.
I could beg for all this,
have you understand
with just a soft touch
of my own, a caress for
your hair, your skin
and I swear another look
in those brown eyes of yours
I'll be lost forever, but still I
hold you gentle, tell you true
my hands love you as much
as my heart.
And in the morning, I'll again
smooth your hair, wild from
restless sleep and dreams,
wake you with kisses
just to see you open your eyes,
just to tell you how much this means.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I've stayed away from tv on purpose the past couple of days, but because the images are always gonna be there, images and words, and tributes to firefighters and emergency workers. Everyone pulled together two years ago. I can't figure out why it takes such a tragedy for people to pull together like that. I don't know, just some observations I guess. I saw the attacks on tv as it was happening, I guess that was enough for me. I was working third shift at the time at another hospital in North Kansas City, and when I came home that morning, I fell asleep trying to watch some tv, and happened to wake up again when they broke into programming with taped footage of the first plane that hit one of the buildings. They had already switched to a live feed by the time the second plane came through.
Not long after, I heard one of the announcers say that the first structure was leaning, and I remember thinking, "surely not, that can't be right." But it was. And by the end of the end of the day those buildings were gone, along with all the people still in them. Even as far away as I was, the whole experience, watching it, left me feeling chilled. Knowing that from then on things would never be the same. Its still awful to remember, but the feeling I have is that we're supposed to remember, just some of us in different ways, in private.

In 45 minutes, stray dogs
can pass you from behind
and forge an unspoken path
of protection along the way,
the entire way.
The morning can change
from dark to dim, to colors
of coral and sky blue
so that by the time
it takes to reach Truman
and Forest even the clouds
can look like train tracks
from here.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Yesterday my horoscope said, "Self-control is the last resort. Hide from others. The future will change tomorrow." Very ominous-sounding. I was hoping nothing would change for the worse, and what was up with that "hide from others" part?
Well today for the moment I feel pretty good. Things might be getting better. Hopefully certain people will finally mean what they say for once. Just want my life back, you know?
I emailed a friend who lives in Fresno and well its a long story, but he ended up with my acoustic guitar I told him to keep. Lately I got to thinking that's part of what I want, used to do, an now really wanting to do again. He still has it, so I guess I'll have him send it. Wow, little by little, piece by piece, finally. I just hope it doesn't all blow up in my face for some reason.

It was Greg Cordum's birthday today, (General Manager of EVS at Indep. Regional, MCI, and Lee's Summit Hospital) and it also happens to be Housekeeping Appreciation week so he got us all pizza. I told him it was also Jason's birthday, and when he asked how old he was, he didn't believe me when I told him, he's 22. Andy, my old boss came by the hospital too. He still says everybody misses me out at Lee's Summit. And I still have to say he's one of the best bosses I ever worked for. He'll work right alongside you when your swamped with a ton of stat dismissals. Not like some of the supervisors here. Well I shouldn't complain too much, at least I still have a job, which brings me to some of those that are no longer co-workers. I think that how it was done was very cold and heartless on the part of HCA. I guess that's what happens with a big corporation like that.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Steps Away

Just a sigh of relief away
is the freedom of my own
time, own thoughts
own words, own words.
No fear, no stress,
no headache,
able to save again,
able to breathe again,
drink in the air,
watch colors of night
with humor again.
When there's something
Laoghaire, its your cousins.
Life is complicated - Why does it seem we're always afraid to feel,
that love is something to be afraid of, to run from. Maybe I just
feel too much - everything.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Well, a lot of things went down at work while I was off Friday and Saturday. Let's just say we're minus three more people as of Friday. After months of delaying an official "announcement" about this, they go and lay people off without such an announcement. I can't say I really agree with the tactics here. I mean aren't we supposed to give a standard 2-week notice to quit? What, they can't give these three the same courtesy? This brings us to a grand total of 7 slots that probably will never be filled. One transferred to Lee's Summit, another resigned for health reasons, one quit a couple of months ago, the ER housekeeper transferred to another department, and now Dennis, Shelley, and Roxie from nights, are gone. Really gonna miss Dennis, trading cat stories, or "Hey you" joking around all the time, up on the floors. Man, that sucks. Hardly anybody that's left jokes around like that. I was talking to Randy, who was saying they went by seniority. Well that can't be right, 'cause I'm one of the two newest people here. I guess they counted my time at Lee's Summit before I transferred, plus I'm the only other housekeeper who can do linen too. I guess I'm lucky there.

If you've ever seen on here where I've mentioned the local punk group Fed-Up, good things have been happening for them this past week. This is the band my daughter shoots pictures of, promos and all that, sometimes for their website. Well it seems that they have been signed. Hmmmm.... only a rumor at this point because nobody around here can get in touch with 'em again to find out what label. I gues they forgot to ask the first time. Or, see how quickly they forget?
And Laoghaire finally got a job after a year of looking, now she's at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Now she won't have to drop that class that goes in tandem with it, hopefully. And more officially she's been accepted into Brooks Institute of Photography. I may have mentioned that before. Must be a sign of fatigue. So with that I'll sign off.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Every year on Labor Day weekend, they have an event called the Santa-Cali-Gon. Independence was the site where the Santa Fe, California, and Oregan trails met. So they have a carnival, craft vendors, country and bluegrass bands, food booths, etc. up on the Square. I don't go anymore because it's always too hot plus there's just too much crowd. When my mom died, the funeral happened to be on the first day of the Santa-Cali-Gon that year and everybody went up to the Square afterwards. I thought that was just too much. I didn't go. A year before that my Grandma Ginney died right before Thanksgiving- I didn't even know things were really that bad until I got a call from my mom, long distance. I was in Fresno at the time. I was making a scarf to match her coat, purple. Working on that to send for Christmas. And I was in the middle of it when I picked up the phone. Geez I remember all I could really say was "I'm making this scarf, its her favorite color. I'll never get to give it to her." For some reason when I started the project it meant so much. So instead of sending Christmas presents I came out to Kansas City for the funeral. And you know how people say they "appear to be asleep"? A cliche cause you hear it all the time. But I swear, in this case it really did look like she was sleeping. I ended up going back to Fresno on Thanksgiving Day, because that was the stipulation for getting booked on a flight on such short notice.

The remainder's always standing so
far away from me, distant anodyne
a mixed message always so vague.
What mixed message can be found here?
I'm supposed to be quite a person
but never quite knowing
what that means exactly,
good or bad, it could be anything.
I'm left grasping at the emptiness
of straw again - and what was it
Warhol once said, "Timing is all,"
but what good is time when spent
in useless company, the rude, the
bad and the lazy, thieves never
leaving the scene of the crime and
returning only wasted time and burn-out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and expose all. Well even more than I'm really comfortable with. Like there's this extra person in my house that's been there for about a month now and won't leave either. See I knew something was up when I saw the people he'd been staying with pull up and leave about five boxes of his damn stuff out in the rain. Said he was gonna be gone by Labor Day but... still here. You know, what if I did just all of a sudden just leave. Just disappear. And the saying "nobody goes hungry in my house" well that sentiment has been more than abused, especially when they're playing Everquest in shifts now. This is totally insane, useless. Neither one of them has a job. Excuse me, but fuck all that. I can't take any more. The very next chance, I'm out of here for good. I don't care where it is, just away from here. I can't live like this. I can't take this.
Shades of an X-Phile

And in the darkness
the cynic to my believer
Scully to my Mulder
Its theory to theory
And I was blinded by
his science, talk of the
stratosphere, the cosmos,
systems to systems, creation
to evolution theories or my
favorite theory that merges
them both, faith and disregard.
Then there's that way of
quoting Shakespeare, Bronte
and Neruda, the scope of
language much more than I
can ever hope for. Maybe
the problem here is that
I've lost education along
with everything else, yet
another something to reclaim.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Bailey here. It's amazing how you don't realize you depend on technology until you're without it, even for a short time. Cell phones, the internet, all a line to the outside world, greater in scope than you can travel in a day or 45 minutes, the time it takes to get to work. At work yesterday at the elevators near where the cafeteria is, one of the dietary ladies asked me "are you getting skinnier or are your clothes just getting bigger?" Geez the fourth person in about a month. (And no, Laoghaire I am not anorexic - so quit playing that song whenever you come over, haha!) It's just stress, you know.
Anyway, it was a long day, I ended up working through last break just to get done. Then I tried to go to the place to get a top up card for the phone after I got my check cashed and the bus I was waiting on I guess was stuck in traffic and would have been waay delayed, so I just took the regular bus home. Later on though my daughter came by and offered to give me a ride up there, went to a Chinese place at Independence Center, pretty good.
I have two days off, I'm going to bed and sleeping in tomorrow morning. Right now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. Goodnight everybody.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Soul Screamings

Nothing I wouldn't do now
No distance I wouldn't travel
No pilgrimage too far to retrieve
and return to hand him the something
of value and substance he so desparately
needs, and know that my heart belongs
to him already. That and my
soul screaming, silent yet
believing in him still, primal, pleading.
pleading to see me, I am here, I am real.
I watch him forever run a struggle
each day with some unknown torment,
a god-awful school of piranha worry that
tears away at the vital and leaves only
confusion that he hides behind a masking
of the every day-to-day trivial, the altogether
meaningless. I know that from all the world
he holds this chaos inside.
From all the world, except for me
and its the only me I'm capable of being,
because when he's churning, so I churn,
hurt when he hurts, bleed when he bleeds.
Even now when he pushes so much for me
not to and I'm not pushing as hard as I can,
but tossed just the same by the unknown
as in the potential knowing.

Monday, September 01, 2003

Wow. Talk about deja vu. There was major problems with the phone lines earlier today and I kept getting disconnected in the middle of posting the previous entry. So I guess it took each time I hit the "publish" button. Its probably because of the rain, which has caused some problems elsewhere too. Like the night before last when it really started coming down, another lady from work had to evacuate her house because the entire walls in the basement collapsed from all the rain, had to call her son to help her get the animals out 'cause they were scared and hiding under the beds... gas line broke and it was really concentrated inside the house there. She was lucky to get herself and everyone else out, but imagine. She stopped by during one of our breaks yesterday with her son, she was just in tears, said the whole downstairs was just rubble, the foundation's shot, and they said it wasn't even safe yet to go back in for some clothes. I really feel bad for her. It could have been a lot worse though, she could have been asleep and ended up being trapped inside with all that gas when it happened.
Oh and the hospital sprung leaks everywhere from the rain, there were a couple of code reds, from where water got into the wiring and shorted out some lights. Puddles all in the patient rooms up on 5th floor, half the break area was completely soaked, an inch of water in Healthline, the classrooms there. They had the wet-vacs running nonstop yesterday. The lead kept saying "This is the day from Hell" And she tried calling the supervisors but they weren't answering their phone. It's an old hospital and when you have the entire season with no rain, then all of a sudden you get 15 inches of water all at once there's gonna be some major problems.

I said one time I was going to list all the music CDs that I own right now... And these are ones I'm never letting go of again, because some of them are replacements for one's I've lost over the years.

Galore - The Cure
(I tore this place apart looking for the CD I had of theirs and never found it. Got this one at Sam Goody - it has all the songs I like on it.)

Tribute to the Ramones
We're a Happy Family - Various
(My daughter got me this for my birthday)

Anthology - Ramones
(another birthday gift a couple of years ago)

Artist In the Ambulance - Thrice
(Replaces Korn as my new favorite band)

Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack - Various
(I really like the instrumentals on this)

A Day Without Rain - Enya

Paint the Sky With Stars - Enya

Celtic Mouth Music - Various
(A lot of the songs here are very rough, the sound quality isn't that great. But there are a few really good ones once you get past all the others. A few with incredible harmonies.)

Live At the Acropolis - Yanni
(A Christmas present from my daughter. I used to play this one all the time back in Fresno.)

Amused to Death - Roger Waters
(I had to special order this one off the internet, through a friend who had a credit card. Haha)

The Belfast Gigs - Horslips
(Another one I had to special order. They had another album, my favorite of theirs but it couldn't be found, even on the web.)

Men Without Women - Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul
(You know Little Steven - the guy with the scarf on his head in the E-Street band. He's also Sylvio Dante on the Sopranos.)

And some Christmas albums...

The Christmas EP - Enya
(My mom thought this was a beautiful rendition of Silent Night "Oiche Chiun" sung in the Gaelic language. So I played it a lot.)

The Kansas City Holiday Album - Various
(The proceeds from this went to benefit Wayside Waifs, one of the largest animal shelters in Kansas City.)

The Christmas Attic - Transiberian Orchestra
(Got this one by mistake, thought it had a certain song but it didn't. Kept it anyway, it's still a Christmas album.)

Traditional Celtic Christmas - Various
Instrumental... bagpipes. Need I say more? :)

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Through a Glass Darkly

Dusk. At first the sound was
drowned out by the rain,
then as coolness faded and
damp heat returned, so did
the calling of locusts on either
side, somewhere, front-to-back
which direction, cant tell, really
I'm content just marveling at the fact
that they are speaking in stereo tongue
some udecipherable language
incoherent to us humans.
Later, as darkness gains
momentum and substance
there will be the clouds
at the streetlights, moths and
others of its kind, following
some ancient pre-programmed instinct
each with their own separate flight log,
some even on a kamikaze mission, but
most soaring a different holding pattern,
the effect, a chaotic buzz, as one
seen through a glass darkly
and then set free back out into
the night air.
Last night at Barnes and Noble almost turned out to be a complete waste of time. I say "almost" because at least I got to talk to a good friend of mine while I was there, and I picked up a suspense novel that looks like it might be pretty good, Quietus by Vivian Shilling. What happened at the bookstore was that I was all set to come to the poetry reading and participate, and even called up there way beforehand to make sure the thing was still going on. So when they said "Yeah, it looks like it's still on for tonight." I said "Thank you," hung up the phone and high-fived the person standing next to me, which was my son, who also went with me, by the way. But after I got there and waited, it didn't look like anything was even set up to go on, I asked and they told me that the person who was in charge of that had taken another job and possibly the event would be on hold indefinitely. I really wish they could have told me all this over the phone. But - live and learn, I guess. Next time call 2 or 3 times to make sure.
Then this morning I tried to post a message in one of the groups, and I noticed it didn't take so I thought it might have just been a glitch or something. But when I checked my email, there was a delivery failure notice for that very message. It seems that it violated some kind of policy, which I don't understand because it wasn't spam, and I didn't post any inappropriate pictures, and I didn't threaten anybody, so this is really weird. It just seems that the gods of censorship are working overtime today. Lol.
So now the good news... It's not really official yet, but my daughter has been accepted into Brooks Institute of Photography. She's really kind of nervous now about keeping up the GPA. She'll do fine, I have major confidence in her, even when sometimes she has trouble generating it for herself. Plus, I told her that I'd help out on any project. Which so far has been the animal cruelty laws issue for that big paper she has to do.

Friday, August 29, 2003

I forgot to mention how yesterday after work, my daughter was waiting for me. Actually she called me on my cell phone while I was still doing a dismissal. The first words out of her mouth when I got in the car was, "I need your help." So we went to the animal shelter to get some info on contact people who would have answers about local animal cruelty laws. Well, that's her senior project, a paper on this topic. And I told her I'd help in any way I could. It turns out that yesterday she found out that one of the planning sheets for this project was due the next day, not Monday as she'd thought. So there we went, but by the time we got there, the person she most needed to talk to had already gone for the day. Anyway, she had to be home by a certain time to recieve another call from Brooks. And I went online searching all the local shelters, and contact people. I came up with quite a few pages of info. So I guess that's part of what I'm going to be doing at the library today, among several other things... You know, I'm really glad she picked this topic as her project because I have a feeling that helping her out with this will also help me out too, in the long run.
They scheduled an inservice today at work. Vi told everyone, "if you see 9999 on your pagers, come back down to the storeroom." Well of course everyone thought the worst, you know. It turned out that they were just having Andy from Lee's Summit come and demonstrate some new taski-type mops they got for everybody. By the end of the day, there were at least two people who absolutely hated them. But I've used them before at North Kansas City Hosp. I happen to think they're a heck of a lot better than those raggedy old string mops we'd been using. Bye the way, I should be asking Andy the next time I see him if he wants me to store away those pillows I find every now and then that are from Lee's Summit. Hahaha! Some of them I've even labeled "Property of LSH" myself! I wonder how they ended up all the way out to Indep. Regional. lol. Thieving ambulance drivers most likely.
I've got an extra day off that I didn't find out about until today. That means I'm off Friday, Saturday, work Sunday, off Monday, then have have three days on till I'm off again. But they STILL haven't posted my October time. I hope this isn't their way of somehow getting out of it. That would be so lame.
Dun Laoghaire has been accepted into Brooks, as far as I know... there was to be another phone conversation with a student administrator this evening but I'll have to wait to find out how it went. So keep your fingers crossed, everybody!
I have another poetry reading tomorrow night. This will be my second one. I may still be a little scared, but at least I'm not petrified like I was when I first got up there. I'll be by myself I think. My daughter has a church retreat to go to. My son, I don't think he'll want to. You know, it's probably something of a test... I can handle it.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

A few days ago on one of the yahoo groups I post on, someone commented on a recent poem, I think it was "The Purging." Anyway, the person said that some of the images reminded him of the early days of Everquest. How very ironic, this, a videogame. That most definitely was not the effect I had in mind. But oh well. Live and let live... Let's hope that's as far away from me as possible.
Right now I feel life is like that U2 song, It's a Beautiful Day (don't let it get away) where all these bad things keep happening, but the attitude of the person is not that negatively impacted. I mean I've some material things and just today a source of transportation. But like someone said, when one door closes, a brand new one opens up. I feel I'm on the verge of one of the most exciting times of my life, in the midst of near-poverty. And I'm happy about this. It all comes down to one thing. The things I was so stressed and sad about last night turned out not to be as bad or as final as I thought. At least I hope they stay this way. Keep praying. Strange for me to say since I haven't usually been all that religious in my life. But when things are important you learn to look toward something bigger than the self, and place your desparate hopes there. I really do hope I'm not just fooling myself, but I don't think that's how it is.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Over the weekend: My son convinced my daughter to cut his hair into a mohawk, hmmm. My daughter is going through an unemployment crises, and believing lame interpretations of computer read-outs are personally accurate. Hopefully I convinced her that's not the case.
What else is new... the co-worker who lost her son in the accident finally came back to work. The supervisors say she can stay out of ICU however long she needs to.
The big news we were all supposed to get about our jobs on the 21st never happened. They have delayed it all yet again, this time till Sept. 1. Seems to me they are testing loyalties here. I am so ready to go elsewhere anyway.
I spoke to some people I haven't heard from in a while. A lady I used to work with out at the Groves, the nursing home right across from the hospital. And a friend who lives in Florida. I guess their advice would be valid if they really wanted to know the whole story. I don't know. It seems I'm just stuck in this situation that I want so much to be out of already but every avenue is blocked.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

The Purging

I am not running away,
this place is sanctuary
and casts influence
to find consolation alone.
I am not running away.
This is where a shaman
goes to heal the self,
rid the pain of too much loss.
For the journey this time
turns again through an
early September, runs rampant
to a hard ending in November.
It's here, when I'm ready,
when it becomes too great.
I can stare it down, embrace it,
birth it out of me daily if I have to.
Right here on the coolness of sand
where the leaves would have turned
and the boardwalk has been shut down.
I will find no distractions
in placing turquoise, amethyst, rosaries,
bury turtle pins and charm bracelets.
This time it will be Asbury Park
turned my Callanish.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

I've been having these dreams lately, that could have a connection to something. I'm almost afraid to find out, but I'd need specifics about certain things in order to be sure. Last Saturday morning - this makes it exactly a week ago. I told a friend at work about the dream itself. Now it just feels very spooky to me if the conditions turn out to be valid ones. Just that fact alone, I mean.

Friday, August 22, 2003

I never told anybody exactly how he did finally leave this world, Shawn Peacher. I didn't hear the details until much later. Well they did eventually "pull the plug" on him. I don't know why that bothers me so much, I just think they could have waited a little longer. I know it's a long shot but people have been known to come out of such a condition. I also never told anybody that once, from right outside his room I actually did see him move, a couple of times. And on one of those times I did find myself holding my breath, thinking that he could very well be taking his last, right then. And I looked around to see if any of the nurses noticed this, and at the same time thinking that machine will start beeping an alert, but that didn't happen. Would it have changed anything if I'd have gone to Debbie and said something - anything. I wanted to, but didn't because it might have been considered an intrusion. It's been said that we "never know what we would do in a certain situation until we actually do it." I was caught up in the moment but backed away after a second thought. How many people have backed away like that in their lives. How much would it have changed, really if they hadn't. So many unanswered questions. Anyway, I wrote the poem "Unspoken" and plan to read it next week, because its another one of those things I feel very strongly about. I've even considered asking a friend who wrote a similar poem if I could read that one too. Well enough morbid scenes for today. This has just been where my mind is at lately.

Thursday, August 21, 2003


I would paint you
in shades of silver
and colors of the ocean
to match your moods and
all the beliefs I remember
and fell in love with
when I found you.
I would paint you free
like herds of wild mustang
traveling the great plains,
which thrive in the open.
I would paint you sweet
like grapes in Visalia orchards.
Like the wine, like the songs
I treasure most, because of
what they remind me, Irishman.
I would hang this canvas
in the sky, in the Rockies,
or at the shore, and let you go
because I love you deep.

August 21,2003

Wednesday, August 20, 2003


Sometimes words are just
simply words
and a poem is just a poem
There are no direct speeches
except now, to myself...
Get over it and on toward the
exist and then live part,
exist and then live, surely
there can be no perpetual
constant one or the other
(That's right, but don't call
me Shirley) Because for now
I've got ten thousand stories
to tell that I'm still not done
living through yet. Because
I will always have
a story to tell... ones of
shooting stars and bears in
the woods, of Sir Ozzy, of
bus fantasies and of what
noise, if any. a tree makes
when it falls alone in the

hahaha, I'm sure this one doesn't make any sense, and for some reason I felt compelled to put in a quote from Leslie Nielson in Airplane.
I haven't been myself the past couple of days. Maybe its the heat, or stress. Or maybe just my own insecurities. But if I came off sounding unduly urgent to anyone, I sincerely apologize. I have a feeling that things will even out soon enough. And even if they don't, it won't be the end of the world. So now onto the task at hand, which is always a challenge. "I have a story to tell." I need to pick a good one for next Friday. Remembering Moulton? Nah, that's too long. I will come up with something, maybe even something new. Remember this: Spoken Word rules...

Through This

Hope stolen from a
callous soul may cause
it to cry for a day.
Take the hope from
the soul of an empath,
she will never recover.
I still don't understand
What good can come of this.
I'm wearing my insides out,
a reversal of vital emotion
and defenses. Here, these
walls have crumbled and
understanding can no longer
be found when I look for
the vanished meaning
of courage.
The Sound Of His Voice

Today has found me confused
lost, wondering, waiting
wandering, searching
so lost.
What would I be then
without the possibility
of you.
Should have been more
careful in what to wish for
Ask and you shall receive
a flood of heat and desire.
I close my eyes and allow the
images remembered to take hold
and send me transfixed to
another place.
Now that such a gift has
been released in a sense
I know that his pull is
one of pure addiction
that seems to know before
I know myself how badly I
need the sound of his voice
in my ear, that calming effect
for when my thoughts are
working overtime and blocked
words threaten to tumble out
to hang in the air, each batting
against others in a rush of
convoluted meaning only he can
decipher with just a few words
of his own.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Its the worst thing in the world to be blocked from writing. Either from someone sneaking up on you to look over your shoulder, or with all the unwelcome prompts to "hey, check this out.. you gotta see this." I'm afraid. This is too damaging to me, this being here in a situation that's never been what I really wanted. I should have listened to people years ago when they told me this was not the future for me. But I was too stubborn to listen. It was my mom. I should have listened. Now I'm stuck in this terrible rut with no hope of getting out of, save some major disaster, some upheaval. Why should I wait for this now. I deserve living my life the way I want with the freedom to write whatever the words say, no fear of retaliation. This is just another form of control. Home-based censorship. For years I've been trapped like this. Five years too long. I finally get my writing back again, I'm not turning loose of this now. Damn all the having to seek out broken minutes to myself just to be able to write a single line. I'm unsure and afraid, but I know all my words are true. That has to count for something. I'm afraid that the concept of patience has run out, leaving me to wonder how could I handle this. My one much needed source of courage has vanished. What could I be now without that possibility. I am so close, I can't give up on this. Don't give up on me.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Today finds me confused,
so lost, wandering, waiting
searching, lost
What would I do
without the possibility
of you.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I've been kind of busy this weekend, trying to keep up with all the messages and ideas everybody's throwing out to everyone else, about the group. I was so excited about doing all this, I think I got way ahead of myself and started my own group. I think it'll be ok, though. I won't be trying to take anyone from the original group. I'd rather keep mine small, to keep more of a close-knit feel to it. I've seen some really good poets on Xanga, so that's where I plan to go for membership. So if anyone's interested, feel free to visit baileys_java_cafe at yahoo groups.
Well after spending all this time on the internet, I feel kind of blah today for some reason. It might be the heat. I think it got up past 102 today. And no relief for tomorrow either. At least there's a window unit and a fan here. I wonder if everybody finally got their power back on in the east, out toward New York and other areas. I sure hope so. And hope everyone's still doing ok.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

A day of shopping and filling out employment applications yesterday, for my daughter and son, respectively. At the "Center" looking for school clothes and underwear. Hahaha... I dare anyone to ask "dun Laoghaire" what she wore on her head in the car while driving, at least half the way home. I was kind of embarassed but at the same time laughing so hard... It was craziness, I tell you, these young whippersnappers today, having fun. What's the world coming to? The two older ladies in the car next to us gave a shocked look, the one in the passenger seat covered her eyes. Oh the shame, the shame. But the way I see it, my daughter can do anything she wants. I know for certain that she is not on drugs, not wanting to be in a gang, not going out and having sex, not stockpiling weapons to shoot up a school, not drinking and driving or any of those things you hear in the news. My daughter has become a free spirit, but with a responsible attitude, a decent concience and I'm very proud of her, even if she does *giggle* occasionally wear a thong bikini for a hat on the way home from the mall.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Time and Trepidation

When you hear them say
time heals all, remember that
they've only forgotten
how time can also obliterate
a near lifetime
of memory and belief,
a faith, a path, a wonderment
at what was thought lost forever
is now being rediscovered slowly
and deeper, deeper I fall into
the chasm of uncertainty.
As unattainable as you are
at this moment, and as mysterious
as I can be without meaning to be
and avert my gaze against the
possibility of missing some precious
something presented so full and so
real but not yet surely within my
grasp. Yes, at this moment I am
afraid the time will come I will
have been erased because of my
fear of yet more loss and failure.

A lady at work was telling all of us at break this morning about a freaky experience she had up on 4 North. That's part of a separate wing, way at the other end of the hospital. The 4th floor of the North tower is used for long term patients, some even bedridden. Well she was in a patient's room cleaning it, and she thought she was asleep, she heard her breathing and everything but she kept smelling roses from in the room, so here she's looking around for these flowers and there's none in there. So she goes and checks some of the other rooms for the source and none of them have any flowers at all. But every time she came back into that room there was a strong scent of roses. She finished cleaning and went on to the next few rooms. Then found out a little later that the lady had just died. And the realization that she was in there working either right before or during. That would be freaky just by itself. But how do you explain the rose smell in the room at the time? She says it had to have ben someone coming for her to take her to heaven. I have heard stories like that before how somethin like that can happen right before a person dies. This one is pretty tame, compared to some I've heard. I don't know whether or not I believe in them. But now that I think back, not one person I've heard relate such a story has ever had a reason to lie about it. So there must be something to it.
Work went at a steady pace yesterday. I really like when it's like that, it just seems to make the entire day go faster. I was in the ICU area, and probably will be today. I'm glad that they moved so many out to another floor, it just means they're getting better - that's always good news.
Also got an invite to join the moderators in one of the yahoo poetry groups I'm in. It seems they want to get more input on some for new members to interact with the rest of the group. I think I'm really going to enjoy being a part of this, I'm excited about it.
I guess the Xanga site has really been having some major problems lately. Something about a series of DDOS attacks, which I take to mean somebody has been infecting the site with some kind of virus, over and over again. They say they're in the process of getting it back up, but I just wonder what all that has done to my posts on there. Well it's a good thing I have my own copies of everything important. Even if I've lost them on Xanga, I know they're not gone for good. I can still repost my poems somewhere.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

To Continue...

Because the feeling I hold now
is the morning's brightest star
lifted safe in the sky at dawn
where no one can ever
steal it away.
I hold the elements of
such feeling in another
safe place deep within
the core of my existence.
For this I feel alive, after
all these awful years spent
searching through too many
idle storms of futility.

I wish I hadn't ever thrown those old poems away. Geez, I don't even remember now when that was. I do know that it's probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. And I'll probably still kick my own butt over it from time to time. It was an entire notebook of poems I had, representing two creative writing classes, complete with instructor comments written in the margins. He'd said he liked the way my mind works. Well I did keep one of them I had turned in for the class (I couldn't bear to part with that one since it was the first really good one, I thought) And I still think First of Thirteen is in a class all by itself. The day he read it for everyone, he asked for comments and when none came he said that it took him a couple of times reading it before he caught on that it was about "writing" itself. Then he looked at me and said "that is the message here isn't it?" I nodded, said "yeah" when the truth was I didn't know myself, what it was about. I'd worked on it for days, I think I rewrote it by hand at least fifty times. It was during my "Warhol" phase. At the time the images were the most important thing. Images and the flow. I had to get the images right, I mean Warhol was all about images so I had to do it justice. (without the luxury of a camera, that is.) And I just realized something here. 1) I'm rambling again and 2) lacking a means for images seems to have been a recurring theme.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Aaahhh... Is it still only Tuesday? This week is just dragging. It's like time is in slow motion or something. It was like that at work today. Well some days the motto goes a little something like this: "Wait for it... wait for it..." (patient room dismissals). Then at about 3:00, it's "Hurry up and get these things done." I once had four stat cleans that came in at the end of the day. Impossible, especially when they expect you to clock out at 3:30. Oh yeah, it's also interesting when a nurse will put in a stat clean in bed tracking so that when it comes across the pager, you rush to the room only to find they haven't dismissed the patient yet. Whoops, somebody didn't check first! Lol. Does it sound like I'm complaining? I'm not really, at least I didn't think so but now that I look over this, I can see how somebody could get that impression.
I'm waiting for it to get dark out. I hear there's glitter storms and meteor showers due later tonight. Hope I can see a little something anyway. Wouldn't it be great to get a shot of the full moon at the same time as Perseids? I've never taken nighttime shots like that before. I don't think its possible with a throw-away camera. I'll just be glad if I can see half a dozen shooting stars. I'll have to tell Laoghaire about this... Wow.... Cool... Double Wow... Double Cool (in a hushed awe-struck whisper)
I'm going to tell you all my classic "shooting star" story from a camping trip one year at Shaver Lake. But not now. For now I'm going to hammer some words out on paper.