Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Sunday, August 29, 2004


Step out onto the landing
the heat so thick
you can almost scoop
the air with the cup
of a hand, a sure sign
a break is needed.

Heard it from inside,
the tell-tale calling
card of resin solid
tree droppings having
crash-landed, bounced
once or twice on the
roof, another signal,
an approach of damaging

Step out onto the landing
and a stereo symphony of
cidadas rising in creshendo
assault the ears, the same
gust that scurries the reign
of leaves travelling in rotation
pulls the tune closer, pulls in
concentrated hypnotic, so easy
to get lost in.

Friday, August 27, 2004

His Happiness

Because of this,
because of all this
I know he will haunt
me the rest of my days.

Dans la douler mon
coeur se casse
continuellement san
mon irlandais.

My one bright spot
to see from the day,
comfort for the night.
My heart set on a mind
that follows the whims
of the breeze and oceans,
but remains there
in shadow deep in doubt,
I would gladly take
all his highs and lows...

His walls now a fortress,
I cannot go forward
and I cannot turn away,
his happiness is worth
more to me than me.

Mon seul souffle
chucote votre nom dans
longing, avant que
lest larmes arrivent.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

A very understated "yay..." to impart to any and all interested. You may know Def Poetry airs on HBO at 11 pm eastern time. I just got some info from Beau Sia, who's one of my favs on the show. His next appearance is coming up on Sept. 12. Let's watch, shall we? "Yay..."
I just got some pics back yesterday that I took a couple of months ago. Some of them turned out pretty good, I think. I have one that's a lot of contrast with the sun behind some clouds. Just awesome. Plus I have some of Laura's graduation, some recent pics of me I'd like to put up on my profile... since I deleted the one that was up there. The pic was over two years old, ancient for the internet wouldn't you say? If I can ever get together with the friend who does the neat little computer stuff, posting pics for us, me and my son Jason... they'll be up there very soon, I hope.. with a webtv and no scanner its pretty impossible. Well, stay tuned at any rate... I just love the cloud photo, I can't wait to share it. This may be just enough to get me back into photography again.

Monday, August 23, 2004

I have just been fnorded, whatever that means... but whatever it is, it's awesome. I have the vague sense that members of Monty Python are somehow descendants of the fnords. (Run a google search on discordians and you may or may not see what I mean.) Anyway, imagination rocks my toes!
Oh, and here's a quiz result I took from one of the links....

I am a Rainbow FNORD!
You are a Rainbow FNORD! colorful and chased by

Which FNORD are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Storm In August

Humid already
and every few feet
the robin is jumping
on the fence post
just to keep up.

Closer with every
second, its traveling
fast, and through.
The second wave hot
on the trail of
cloud to ground force
like hell-hounds,
cats and dogs.

I was told I'd have
that 3:30 walk today
no matter how fast
the work goes, out
in the wind that makes
rain fall in diagonal
code, like neon emeralds
falling through the screen,
programmed right down to
the clean scent of air

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Just some rambling, wandering thoughts for today...
There I was, sitting there just minding my own business when all of a sudden this brick wall came out of nowhere and smacked right into me. Lol, actually the "brick wall" was a song on the radio, and the kind of song that puts you in a trance, very sad, a deep dark, internal frame of mind. The very thing that can make you cry no matter how hard you will yourself not to. Because it just gets in there so deep, and you not only remember how you felt, its also how you feel at the present time. Aahhh! I need a diversion. Bad. Hahaha.
Not to segue into this kind of diversion... but late last night me and my daughter were surfing the net and we hear this knock on the door. Who could it be at this time of night? It was my ex and one of his friends (one of his more responsible friends, which was a relief, lol) came over to hang out for a while. It was cool... but as time wore on, I got the feeling he wanted to stay the whole night. Luckily there were already too many overnighters so there wasn't all that much room. I feel in a constant state of guard so as not to fall back into the old traps now... I can't let myself feel sorry for anyone, I've fought for that decision to stand and it would be the worst thing for me to back down now... I'm proud of myself, haha. I handled a very delicate situation and passed with flying colors. I didn't really have to say "No, you can't stay the night" but I sure didn't offer either... Come to think of it, it was just pure luck I guess, lol. Whew!
I upgraded my roommates.com account to premium. I want to make that move before winter sets in. So now would be a good time to start contacting these people on the site. Should be sending out my resume again too. Gonna be a busy week ahead, but all good. Taking half-steps at a time toward some progress. :)
Today is National Homeless Animals Day. Adopt a Shelter pet. Or if you already have pets, make sure they are spayed or neutered, to help prevent pet overpopulation.
Feel free to also check out My Web Page for more information.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Well I Was

I was viewing all landscapes from these
windows and all I could see was
a world headquarters landmark,
that big corkscrew in the sky...

I was wondering why all family
had left, so soon, so soon.
And those of us who are indeed
standing on the left are now
pariahs, snubbed and burdened
with no clue, but with an
honest heart.

And I was stalled in the underbrush
again like so many years ago, in Fresno
lacking direction, but armed with good
intentions... what will be in all
acute actual desire and will to make
it at all costs...

All that's needed now is courage
and decisive integrity, that's surely
possessed yet has time to sprout,
and blossom, and grow out of season
surely as bulbs planted in the fall.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Well, Mr. Murphy.. you tell me when was the law enacted? The one that states "just when you think nothing can go wrong, something does."
Or how about the one that includes, "Even when there's a whole series of 'wrong' there's always one more to add to the list."
Life is funny, sad, frustrating. I've had more than my share of Murphy's Law recently. I see myself at the brink of the intolerable. I see myself walking out and away for good if there's just one more slight. It doesn't even have to be against me. Usually it isn't. But it's always the principle of the thing, you know? It's always me walking out of the room, just to not say anything I may regret.. Damn the regret, I'm not holding my tongue any longer..

Monday, August 16, 2004

gamblers all by Charles Bukowski

sometimes you get out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that fac
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading though traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as
you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will
get through the slow days, and the busy days, and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Rough day today at work, they changed my schedule and didn't bother to tell me.. nothing like knowing what you're going to be doing before you arrive. They could have told me.
As it was, I was "project person" today, which means cleaning up any unforeseen messes left behind by other departments too busy or too lazy to clean up after themselves.. Not many tasks, but those that take a lot of time.
Uniforms are out of the loop again for this week. We are not to wear them until they can get the sizes right, lol. Whew! Thanking God for small favors, here. I really am kind of tired but I'm still off to a big spaghetti dinner with some folks from work, and a whole bunch of other people...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Your Phase, Your Face

Come back on Tuesday
I'll see your smile
and by this time
next week you'll be
my Cheshire Cat
once more.

I've known well those
who spend their lives
never knowing, never
questing, sastisfied
with their inertia,
their progressive

How very "potted plant"
of them to swear up
and down that there is
no inspiration to be
found across the dark
opening of that world,
worlds they shake their
heads at, turning away.

But I'm watching the
skies again and see that
you have disappeared
from tonight's canvas,
knowing that I'll see
your face again by
month's end.

Friday, August 13, 2004

As The Stranger

Situation uncomfortable here
wasn't it from the start...
all the nagging questions
in the back of my mind...
the ones that always seem
so trivial to ask; in hindsight
the perfect ones to present.

Were there be actual threats here,
backed by fear and paranoia..
at the presence of a stranger
in the line of fire.

Innocence be damned, they took
me by surprise in this, taken
for granted that all was normal.
Oh, breathe in the smell of
hostility in the afternoon.
Just seconds before, yes...
on the step, he turned at the
entrance, an assurance.

These are good people,
they are decent folk.

Can be decent
among themselves
for eternity.

- A recent experience, very unpleasant.. I must learn to rely more on my instinct from now on.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

We are so not ready for Joint Commission. A month ago none of the departments would let the floor techs anywhere near them, now they want all their floors stripped and waxed in a matter of hours. Impossible? No. Will it be done right? Hell no!
The inspectors will be touring the facility at 9:00 am on Monday. If we're lucky, they'll have everything wrapped up by Thursday afternoon. But since we're still struggling for preparedness, I forsee a lot of glitches in the schedule next week. I'm so not looking forward to this. And the uniforms... they've been having a control issue with those new uniforms. The ones none of us got to pick out, the Taco Bell lookin' ones. Turns out they run just huge and nobody's got the right size now... The Smalls look like a Large and the Mediums look like an Extra Large. And they want us to be wearing them on Monday? Someone says "We're gonna look like idiots." My response to that: "That's what they want." We have no say in anything anymore.. They've had new doors put on the housekeeping carts that don't close right or at all. It's just gonna be a total mess next week. No wonder everybody's so stressed out right now. JAHCO is going to be dinging us right and left... Oh I'm ok... yeah, we're all ok.. I sense this whole thing is going to be the last straw for a lot of people.
Upon reading a critical review by Charles Bukowski

its difficult to accept
and you look around the room
for the person they are talking about.

he's not there
he's not here.
he's gone

by the time they get your book you
are no longer your
you are on the next page,
the next

and worse,
they don't even get the old books right.
you are given credit for things you don't
deserve, for insights that aren't

people read themselves into books, altering
what they need and discarding what they

good critics are as rare as good
and whether I get a good review or a
bad one
I take neither seriously.

I am on the next page,
the next book.

Monday, August 09, 2004


Missing again, that one thought
I had tucked away, I thought safe,
the ideal that was the perfect one
to build on.

Should have seen it coming.
That split-second distraction;
the car speeding by too close
to the curb, the sparrow dive
bombing the neighbor's cat
from his arial tree top perch,

Should I design a "lost" poster
of some sort, notify the authorities,
Independence's finest boys in blue,
thumb a ride to the nearest Krispy Kreme
to file my report.

The sketch will grace the carton
on your breakfast table...
"Have you seen this thought?"
Was last seen in the vicinity
of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"

Retrace the steps now, or in my sleep
you will be found again, in that brief
moment before REM drifts soundless,
wordless, inside a dream, where in
my dream I'm reaching for the pen
and paper.
I was talked into seeing Napoleon Dynamite instead of The Village. ...And I was so looking forward to a good scary movie, Gosh!
This is a very quirky movie.. a lot of retro 70's/80's references in it. So many of the scenes were really so stupid they became funny for the pure fact that the deadpan delivery just kind of grows on you... like mold. Haha, I really don't see how the guy could say all this lame dialoge with such a straight (more like blank) face without bursting into insane laughter at the geekiness of it all. Like I said, a very quirky movie.

Def Poetry on cable last night was really a good one, I've been recording a lot of them just to go back and watch again. I'm trying to get some discussion started on this topic in my poetry group, Bailey's Java Cafe on Yahoo.

Oh, look at the time... I've got to get ready for work again. Oh joy...

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Where to start?? I dread these next couple of weeks. At work. Word has it that the JAHCO inspectors have a major beef with HCA stemming from that Medicare fiasco some years back, so they'll be nitpicking the staff like crazy...
We've already been told: "Now is NOT the time to air your grievances." Great... No pressure there, hehe. I am not looking forward to this in the least.
My ex bf is staying with friends in San Francisco, got kicked out from his best friend's place... I think it was over not having a job. Now he's wanting to come back to town to stay at his dad's. His dad lives a few blocks away from me.
I can't get motivated... in anything much outside of work. I'm having a hard enough time staying motivated for work. Hey, at least I'm still writing, I always have that. Thank God. Don't know what I would do if I couldn't just write stuff down whenever I feel like it. I can remember when I couldn't even do that, it wasn't really all that long ago it seems.
Went out last night... very, very informal time of it, haha... unavoidably late, but I can understand, he's got a close friend who's elderly and physically handicapped now, that he takes care of quite a bit, and those things take a lot of time. I don't think his friend can even get around without his wheelchair, and an oxygen tank.. that's really some major lugging stuff around, and it takes extra time just to get him in and out of the van whenever he needs to go somewhere, poor guy.. He's trying to get him into a program where a home health worker can come in and take up a lot of the responsibility, cause he's wearing himself out just taking him to the doctors, etc.
My son Jason came home yesterday after job hunting, all upset cause everybody he talked to acted like they didn't have time for him, or had already hired somebody else. That's what you get for wearing a lip ring to fill out applications. Damn... It used to be kind of funny. It's not funny anymore. Me and Laura both sat right here and told him it was a bad idea, just last weekend. Now he says, we never told him that. But even if we didn't you'd think it would occur to him to take it out whenever he goes job hunting, sheesh.
Well I guess this is my rant for the day. It's gotta get better from here.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Willie Gee Is Tappin' The Keg

Willie Gee says,
"My mind is pickled."

Willie Gee says,
"If they were to open up
the top of my skull like
this pull tab, there would
be more than enough alcohol
inside my brain to flood

Never mind the Saki,
he's an MGD man.
Be there at the party,
God willing and the creek
at Hill Park don't rise
like some bad-ass monster
from a B-grade movie.

Imagine if you will,
Godzilla slain off the coast
of Anheiser Bush, why the
tidal push alone would spawn
a brand new generational wave
of mis-queued sound bytes.

(Honestly, there is a Willie Gee, but the name has been changed to protect the infamous...
And that's the beauty of poetry sometimes, that you can take so many different elements and people you see, and hear of. It can mean so many different things to different people...)

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Rejection noticed me, I told you
I would withstand, I am still here
after all this time ...

Confuse me, rip my insides
have your way, your way..
make me love you, me who
is not enough for you.

Give me hope from the start,
you, also one needing hope.
Take it away from no one,
the telling; tell me, tell me
to keep what's in my heart,
this is what's been done,
there has been
no other way.

Destroy me, trip me, find
me stumbling in the dark
without a clue, having found
nothing of reason, blind and
bleeding a torn soul.
You have been too deep within
me to give anything now
without this
absolute pain.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

The Blackbirds are Rough Today by Charles Bukowski

Lonely as a dry and used orchard
spread over the earth
for use and surrender.

shot down like an ex-pug selling
dailies on the corner.

taken by tears like
an aging chorus girl
who has gotten her last check.

a hanky is in order your lord your

the blackbirds are rough today
ingrown toenails
in an overnight
wine wine whine,
the blackbirds run around and
fly around
harping about
Spanish melodies and bones.

and everywhere is
the dream is as bad as
flapjacks and flat tires:
why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of
like a bad boy just out of
you tell me,
you who were a hero in some
you who teach children
you who drink with calmness
you who own large homes
and walk in gardens
you who have killed a man and own a
beautiful wife
you tell me
why I am on fire like old dry

we might surely have some interesting
it will keep the mailman busy.
and the little butterflies and ants and bridges and
the rocket-makers and dogs and garage mechanics
will still go on a while
until we run out of stamps

don't be ashamed of
anything: I guess God meant it all
locks on
Now and Then

There is now the sense of
not being right with anything.

Back in the old-school
day I was not fragile,
was only serious minded.

All these years and when
I found it, it was seen
as half full, yet the glass
was not mine to taste from.

Now so convoluted with those
tiny hairline fractures that
could shatter at any moment
the thing that would be torn
apart, how life threatens to
break a heart over and
over again.

How today everything I saw
or heard or felt was such a
reminder of loss that I ask
myself, How much is too much?
I couldn't begin to reason
a guess from the fragmented
thoughts and tones of

perpendicular ideals that
only come from feeling too
much, going too deep for
there ever to be much hope
of finding the way back.
How true? Too fragile for
love, after all.