Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Its raining and the weather's cool in New Jersey, but its Spring and the trees have filled out with leaves. Enjoy the flowering ones, they remind me of Fresno's white apple blossoms that only last a few weeks, same as here. Enjoy the fact that, like the midwest there are lightening bugs in these parts (something Fresno didn't have, lol.) We even have a plant for the balcony, went to the store yesterday and picked up a hanging basket of geraniums. My mom always had geraniums in her garden... she'd start them from seed indoors right before Spring, and then when the warm weather hit, she'd plant them outside.
I have fantastic news. I got the job I was hoping for, I start Monday. I am now the Pet Shoppe's small animal caretaker. :D I'll be cleaning cages, socializing ferrets, guinea pigs, hamsters and rabbits.... birds, cats, dogs. Feed and water them as well as the reptiles, spiders and scorpions. Scorpions?! (Hey now wait a minute...) They assured me that I won't be required to handle them. The only thing would be to lift the lid and pour water into a bowl. But all in all a decent job, and one that I've wanted for a long time.
So to celebrate, Robert suggested going to Dunkin Donuts for their new Banana flavored iced latte. Kind of disappointing, not much banana taste to it, just the coffee and chocolate mostly. But, aahhh...coffee. And even though Robert didn't finish his, he still felt the effects of the espresso (which is pretty much the strongest coffee you can make.) So we ended up tossing a Frisbee around in the side parking lot to expend some of the caffein, lol. It was fun, I hadn't done that in such a long time.
The other day we brought home a DVD of The Boondock Saints and watched it... then got to thinking about how long its been since any news of a second movie, so I emailed the question of "Will there even be a sequel?" to Troy Duffy (the director.) A few days later I got a response. So here it is from THE SOURCE, there will be a sequel, entitled All Saint's Day.... eventually. No specific release date, but at least its something to look forward to. I was (pleasantly)surprised I got a response at all. If you haven't seen Boondock Saints, I highly recommend it... Robert thoroughly enjoyed it, saying the direction reminded him a bit of Tarantino... I just have to say it's still one of my all-time favorites.

Friday, April 29, 2005


This is for the touch,
either yours or mine...

The tangible comes with a smile
just after a back massage has begun
and you drop your Pringles
on the floor.

Instant relaxation
this good is a virus,
contagious with all that can be
caught and settled into the word
"content" and a joyous soul.

This is for the morning's
half-moon I can barely see
through approaching rain clouds
that look over you on your way.

This is for when we are old
and the future is now...

And this is for the full greening
of trees as we look out over
pavement to the next yard
and sigh with the realization
of warmer weather.
I have some hopeful news to report. Last night I got a call from a place where I turned in an application a few days ago. The Pet Shoppe, here in town... wanting me to come in for an interview at 2 this afternoon. I can't believe I almost turned them down outright for that mall job in Moorestown. But when I got off the phone, I stood there thinking, "What the hell did I just do?" And Robert was looking at me in shock... So I'm saying, "You know, I think I need to call them back right now." The hours would be Monday through Friday, 9-5, taking care of the animals... I'm really hoping they offer me this job, cause the more I think about it, the more perfect this sounds... I've wanted this type of job for years, even back before I was working out at Lee's Summit... (I used to tell everyone it would be my dream job.) And the hours are great, I wouldn't even mind working over, or on the weekends as well. Plus its close, here in town and all... wouldn't have to take the bus. Ooohh... I want THIS job.

Got all set to watch Survivor last night, and there were people setting up the podium for Bush to talk on Social Security.. We sat through that, hoping they would still air the show...
Has anyone been keeping up with Survivor this season? They voted off Steph... those Bastids! I would have much rather seen any of those two minor characters go instead. Now it'll be down and dirty for sure. I'm thinking Ian and Tom will be struggling to keep afloat now with strategy. I'd like to see Tom win, but Ian is a close 2nd favorite of mine at this point.

And I'm still waiting for Russell Simmons' Def Poetry. I got the full HBO schedule for May, and it wasn't listed. So I'll keep my fingers crossed for June. How dare they make us wait! Lol. I know not many people in the poetry groups I'm in watch that, or are into live readings like that, but I just have a feeling that if they watched a few times, they would surely be hooked from then on.

The weather here has been cool, almost chilly. Its supposed to rain tonight but hopefully after that there will be some more sunny weather. I've noticed the trees have really filled out - this just in the past few weeks. I can remember when there was still snow and the ground, and plows making paths through the parking lot. Yeah, Spring is a lot better. :D

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

What a difference a day makes... I got a call today on the phone and it was someone from another mall where I applied for janitorial positions... I didn't think too much about it before, because they had said all they had was part-time, maybe 2 days a week.. Well they called back today and offered me a full-time position, and day hours, which would be perfect.. All I need to do now is some of the preliminary stuff and I'll be working again... This is great news for me... I needed something, anything to get me out of the house in the mornings. Whew, it's just been too long without a job! Thank God this is all working out now.
Whew, busy day yesterday. A lot of walking.. all the way to Pensauken. All in all, after such a dismal start, it turned out to be a pretty good day.
I finally made my last call to Kennedy Hospital, found out they've been lying to me all this time about there even being a job position open. In one day it went from them telling me "yes, we do have openings in housekeeping." to "That's not true." What kind of assholes do they have running the place? Forgive me, I still can't help being bitter about the whole thing. I can only hope I find something else soon so that if they ever called me back with an offer I can laugh in their face. But it left me just at a total loss wondering where to go next. I was in tears the rest of the morning. (Damn them) But by the afternoon, things were starting to look up. Robert invited me on a hike to get some paperwork done. It was a long trek, windy on the way there, but a very good experience. It was good for me to get back out, expend some energy, cause otherwise I would have been just sitting there at home feeling sorry for myself. On the way there, I was keeping track of some of the new places I could go to apply; some hotels where I could find a job. That would be a hike, but I think it would be a good thing. After all, I was doing pretty much the same thing back in Independence. A 45-minute walk to work, so I know I could do it. I enjoyed it then, I know I could now. The only thing I didn't enjoy about it was facing the monster new management. That was a nightmare (HCA). Also not too far from the mall is where the pet store relocated into a bigger place. So I figure I'll try there today.
On the way back we passed a WalMart supercenter. Robert said he'd never been in there, so we did some shopping; new clothes. Awesome, although I'm not used to that... It was really nice. Robert got him some new jeans for work, and some stuff for here at home.. I got some new tops and jeans... gotta take the jeans back though cause they're too big. Maybe by some miracle they'll have the same brand in my size, although I have yet to find them for the past couple of years now. They seem to have all of a sudden discontinued the smaller sizes. Its a shame too, cause they're reasonable.
Went home and had dinner... then afterward, Robert surprised me by suggesting a trip to Tower records, where we found the Boondock Saints DVD.. and the Incredibles.. Oh and Laura, I finally got the Greenday CD, so you don't need to burn it for me after all.... the new U2.... Lacuna Coil... the new My Chemical Romance.
After scoping out all the new places yesterday to go now, I'm ready to face things with a new zeal, not giving up. So I'm off to conquer my little part of the world, the one where I become an employed person again.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I finally got my two author's copies of my book today. I was anxious to get them, and I'd been hoping they'd show up before now... like in time for the poetry meeting here for local poets that took place last Wednesday. But today here they are; I happened to look outside the door and there the package was. Robert was asleep in the next room, and I came close to waiting till he got up, to open it. As it was, I just stared at the envelope for several minutes after I sat down and remembered to breathe, lol. Then I figured "why wait?" So I tore open the envelope and then there they were, seeing the light of day, in fresh air once again. Wow, just wow... Talk about overwhelming. Now I figure I should find the best way to promote it... Maybe the only limits are really how creative you want to be. Anyhow, this was absolutely the highlight of my day.
Gazing at Night

I wrapped myself around a star, secure
in the essence of how long it took
to find; long as it was to belong
here in peace, in this comforted aura
showing itself deep... deep.

I am still learning;
but how I love the knowledge
for its sake alone, how I
treasure it enough to whisper
this trace, these fingertips
on skin of the star I've wrapped
myself around and come home to.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Pic is from the Weekend... the game ESPN2 didn't air on Saturday. Too bad... my two favorite teams, the Wizards and Metrostars ended in a 2-2 tie.

But, in the game we DID see, the one in Salt Lake City, the stands held a sell-out crowd of 25,000. Did anyone hear that? I said it was filled to capacity, dammit! Just a note to all those out there who always said soccer would never amount to anything, who based the future popularity of the sport on an off day with less than ideal fan turn-out. Bah, look at those numbers now.. :P

A good friend in Fresno, CA sent me this greeting. He's always been good with a camera. As far as the note on the card goes, only time will tell... I really have no idea how its gonna feel when I finally get to look at that book. I'm thinking maybe sometime this week I'll find out for sure!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I was browsing my Xanga, found this...Oh Dam! Too funny, way too funny!

Watched Columbus beat D.C. United last night. I'd forgotten how much fun just seeing the games are, after being away from it so long... all that time of never really getting to watch TV, or at least a lot of what I wanted. Its just good to do that again. I've really missed the MLS... and it seems a lot has changed. One thing though, there's a game between KC and the Metrostars tonight. And although I won't be able to see it (without watching it on pay-per-view and pay a whopping $20 just for one game.) I'm so far undecided about who I'd want to win. Nah! I'll stay true to My Team... Go Wizards! Apparently ESPN will be showing games on both Fridays and Saturdays, so there will be more than enough action to provide my Soccer fix!

I had my hopes up for the last few days about a job that was close by... a pet facility/day care called All Good Dogs, that would have been a perfect job for me went by the wayside. I called for the last few days, and when I called the last time they told me the position had been filled. Damn. That and the way the hospital personnel office has been just kind of makes me feel like I'm invisible. I mean they've had housekeeping positions open for over two months now, and still seem unwilling to fill them. But finally I've still been keeping in touch with the manager at the grocery store, who tells me there's an opening in their bakery dept. (part-time, weekends and holidays) Not much, but better than nothing. I should hear something by noon today.

I've been eagerly awaiting some of that warmer weather we had a taste of a few weeks ago. They say it'll be here this weekend with temperatures close to 80. Good news there, I hope they're right.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Do you live in Wisconsin? Would you like to see this animal get shot? Would you like your kids to see this animal shot? In Wisconsin, hunters are one step closer to being allowed to do just that... Click the link and read more. Ridiculous, just ridiculous.
Yahoo News Story
Well after those three horror filled days, I've quit the diner because:
1. My coworkers seemed to have issues with each other resulting in paranoia, thinly veiled threats, shouting matches in the kitchen. I thought it best to get out before I ended up on somebody's shit list, lol.
2. The cooks couldn't (or could but refused) to speak English. Huge barrier there.
3. I took "any shift" to mean a set shift.(ie; 7-3, 3-11, 11-7) as well as to be a standard 8 hours. Apparently management's definition was based on less rigid guidelines... 5pm - 3am or longer is not my idea of ideal.

So on to bigger and better things... I'm just glad I had the option not to stay. I'm still waiting for word from Kennedy. It's been nearly a month and a half now and all I get is some "gatekeeper" on the phone who keeps saying the same thing, just leaves me with no real information. So far nothing available at the mall either... and that had looked promising too. I'm still putting out applications to different places... maybe some of those will work out.

I did find an opening at a new pet sitting service, All Good Dogs Daycare that just happened to post an ad in yesterday's paper. As it happens, the place is right across the street from me. I'm supposed to hear back from them sometime today, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. This would be as close to my dream job as I've ever gotten. Would just love to work with animals.

I'm expecting my two author's copies of "I Am Ready" hopefully sometime next week. Today or tomorrow would be even better. I try to imagine how its gonna feel once I hold my own book in my hands. It's just... I'm not gonna know how to react until it actually happens.

I've been (slowly) memorizing some old poems I like. Robert's doing the same thing, only he's leaving me in the dust on this... I think he's got three already set to memory, to my one. Lol, so far I've just got "Aquainted With The Night" by Robert Frost.

I've got to rethink this whole "Meet-up" thing now... They have it now to where coordinators have to pay a yearly fee to use MeetUp. I'm not doing it. We only have 4 in the group, that's not enough people to warrant having to pay a fee just for the name "MeetUp". There's other alternatives for basically the same thing.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Caution Crossing

Incoming... he's on a mission,
ready to commit Hari-kari
if need be.
Incoming, was heard before seen,
it's all instinct from here.
A conscious deviation from
his scheduled formation
with a constant series
of annoying honks, he's
flight rage incarnate...
Maybe he's had a bit too much
to drink, or has the most
unfortunate fear of heights.
But here he is, incoming
with a quick descent,
neck outstretched and
sharpened beak poised for
some serious cross goosing.

Someday I will take and hang
my pictures on walls of memory
for you to call up those dreams
at will, when visions are of
such gifts.
Someday I will read to you
sonnets of Shakespeare so that
the reminders of tragedy need
only to remain in the past,
a reminder that what I offer
asks nothing in return, of how
love gently surrounds you
and is lasting.
And here, hoping beyond hope
for the day you look toward
sunlight and find the happiness
that was lost in darkened rooms
so long ago, for the someday
I will sing to you all the love
songs you need to hear.

-- An old post from a few years ago... something good got me thinking how the past lays steps and foundations for the here-and-now, and for the brightness of what-happens-next. This one's for my Irish.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Well, my book cover finally went to print. Now the book is available online through Publish America (publishamerica.com). I'm so pleased with how the whole thing turned out... its almost unreal. Excuse me while I celebrate... *YEAH!...Woo-woo-woo...(various hip-hop gestures: raise the roof, etc..) Unbe-LIEV-able! YEAH! :D Yes!*
Ok, I think I'm better now with some of this out of my system. Just thought I'd make that little announcement there. I'm all smiles.
Work went a little better on my second night. The hours still suck, it doesn't leave much time for me and Robert to spend together, but I have to remember, this job is really only meant as a temporary thing till something better comes up, like the hospital, or the supervisory position at the mall.. Those hours would be so much better, too. I'm used to getting up early, early - not staying up past midnight before coming home. Well, its better than nothing I suppose.

Friday, April 08, 2005

What a long night it was, I didn't get home till almost midnight. I started a new job yesterday at a local diner just up the street. I'm lucky to find someplace so close. But the hours kind of suck. I just need to remember that this won't be a permanant post, and that hopefully someone from the housekeeping dept. at the hospital will call for me to come in for an interview... or even the guy at the mall. Come to think of it, I should just go ahead and call him, to see what's up. Maybe I'll get lucky and there will be that opening. I really would be more comfortable doing that kind of work... at least with that, I know what the hell I'm doing, lol. Plus the hours would be so much better. I'm not the night owl I used to be waaay back when. I was kind of unprepared as far as a uniform... I borrowed a white shirt, black pants, and a tie. Yes, a tie. I feel so Avril Levigne now.
It's beautiful weather the last couple of days. The afternoons have been so great, sitting out on the balcony just taking in the sun and a good book. I even went and got some sunscreen just in case, cause Robert and I both burn so easy. It was really getting hot, even - and its still only Spring yet. Last night things cooled off quite a bit with the rain. Today it's been cloudy with continuing rain. But even that feels nice.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

My horoscope for yesterday should have read: "Beware of overprotective geese while you are out and about..." Because while walking from the bakery to the mall yesterday afternoon, Robert and I were almost attacked by one very angry goose. Lol...Great. Now instead of the territorial stray dog I used to occasionally contend with, these days I'll have to look up to fend off some personal air raid, a dive-bomb from overhead. Guess we were too close to his nest, because way down in the gulley, there was a female roosting. Apparently there's already been a few people attacked in the mall parking lot, just after getting out of their cars. Guess it all depends on where they park...

I've been trying some different things lately... Yoga, new ideas for my poetry group, memorizing certain poems - just to know I can do that. I may have picked the wrong poem to start with though, because of the way it's written.. people just don't talk like that anymore, with the "doth" and irregular placement in context of certain words. I wasn't fully aware of how hard this was till I was called upon out of the blue to recite this thing. And you know, my mind drew a complete blank even though just that afternoon I could recite the damn thing word for word. I think maybe it's cause I was just caught off guard.

Tried to catch the beginning of a movie on cable I wanted to see, the one about Sylvia Plath was on HBO last night but didn't start till 10 pm. After about 20 minutes I knew I wasn't gonna make it till the end. I'm always missing movies - omg, I'm notorious for falling asleep trying to watch something on TV. So I went to bed before that happened. Good thing we have it on DVD, I really was enjoying it. When they started spouting out poetry, just off the top of their head... and getting passionate about it... DAMN! It was like watching Def Poetry... only difference was they were reciting other's work instead of their own. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna catch the rest of that movie soon.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

8 Fragments for Kurt Cobain by Jim Carrol

Genius is not a generous thing
In return it charges more interest than any amount
of royalties can cover
And it resents fame
With bitter vengeance

Pills and powders only placate it awhile
Then it puts you in a place where the planet's
poles reverse.
Where the currents of electricity shift

Your body becomes a nagnet and pulls to it despair
and rotten teeth,
Cheeze Whiz and guns

Whose triggers are shaped tenderly into a false
In timeless illusion

The guitar claws kept tightening, I guess, on your
heart stem.
The loops of feedback and distortion, threaded
right thru
Lucifer's wisdom teeth, and never stopped their
In your mind
And from the stage
All the faces out front seemed so hungry
With an unbearably wholesome misunderstanding

From where they sat, you seemed so far up there
High and live and diving

And instead you were swamp crawling
Down, deeper
Until you tasted the Earth's own blood
And chatted with the buzzing-eyed insects that
herion breeds

You should have talked more with the monkey
He's always willing to negotiate
I'm still paying him off...
The greater the money and fame
The slower the pendulum of fortune swings

Your will could have sped it up...
But you left on an airplane
Because it wouldn't pass customs and immigration

Here's synchronicity for you:

Your music's tape was inside my Walkman
When my best friend from summer camp
Called with the news about you
I listened then...
It was all there!
Your music kept cutting deeper and deeper valleys
of sound
Less and less light
Until you hit solid rock
The drill bit broke
and the valley became
A thin crevice, impassable in time,
As time itself stopped.

And the walls became vises of brilliant notes
Pressing in...
That's how diamonds are made
And that's where it sometimes all collapses
Down in on you.

Then I translated your muttered lyrics
And the phrases were curious:
Like "incognito libido"
and "Chalk Skin Bending"

The words kept getting smaller and smaller
Separated from their music
Each letter spilled out into a cartridge
Which fit only in the barrel of a gun

And you shover the barrel in as far as possible
Because that's where the pain came from
There where the demons were digging

The world outside was blank
Its every cause was just a continuation
Of another unsolved effect

But Kurt...
Didn't the thought that you would never write
another song
Another feverish line or riff
Make you think twice?
That's what I don't understand
Because it's kept me alive, above any wounds

If only you hadn't swallowed yourself into a coma
in Rome...
You could have gone to Florence
And looked into the eyes of Bellini or Rafael's

Perhaps inside them
You could have found a threshold back to beauty's arms
Where it all began

No matter that you felt betrayed by her
That is always the cost
As Frank said,
Of a young artist's remorseless passion

Which starts out as a kiss
and follows like a curse

-- There was a special on TV several years ago, long before Russell
Simmons Def Poetry on cable, that showcased spoken word poets.
Someone introduced this "fierce poet" and Jim Carrol started reading
after the death of Cobain. It really struck me because I'd heard
about him from as far back as I can remember, "Basketball Diaries"
and all that. Here I thought he was gonna be this 70 year old guy
walking out, but there he stood, just as vital and asking the
perpetual "Why?" as the words in the poem, voiced from the living to
the dead. It definitely made an impact.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com

I've thought about doing something new in my poetry group, Bailey's Java Cafe. Have one day a week set aside as "Lyrics Day" where members can post their favorite song lyrics. And to go along with that, I could also post my favorite for the month. Complete with maybe a video, like the one here, or just an audio version of some songs.
I don't know how many of you saw recently this band U2 inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Kind of disconcerting though, when you think of it. I was always under the impression they only do that when a band seems to be nearing the end of their career. I'm not ready for that, and neither are they. From the looks of things, these guys won't be slowing down anytime soon, and they've definitely earned the honor.
Such a great band... They've been one of my favorites for years. Just look how long they've lasted. And their music has always had lyrics that were more than lyrics somehow. Bono is a poet, so being a poet makes a singer/songwriter more than just a musician. Couldn't count, really, how many songs are among my favorites, almost all... these come to mind first though: "Numb", "Bad", "Where The Streets Have No Name"... wow, all the way up to "Vertigo" and the song Bono wrote for his father, "Sometimes You Can't Make it on your own." All great songs. So here's a toast to U2, fire up those Bic lighters (for those of you under 25, activate your cell phones.)

Custom Narnia

Sundogs and moonbeams
incense, cats and candles.
And what a soundscape of
harp, mandolin, old-new
school punk to grunge to
the heaviest of metal gods.
I love it all, this library,
this memorization;
an education all its own.
Go back and salvage
all of what you've missed
through all these years...
Seems I've found my own
chronicles, the ones
that fit me best.